Funny Shit My Husband Says

His potty humor. If drugs sounded like their function:

“Laxatives should be called I-B-Poopin,

Antidiarrhetics: The Shit Stops Here.”

When I’m having cramps and don’t feel like going out he says:

“Kick your uterus in the nuts and let’s go!”

Most people say they follow the Golden Rule when hubby says they actually follow the “Bronze Rule”:

“Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you…unless it’s otherwise inconvenient or unpleasant.”

On my wanting so much alone time:

Me: What do you want??
Hubby: I want your brain and some of your time.
Me: That’s a lot to ask.
Hubby: I’m a lot of man.

(Hubby is a big guy)

Hubby says I shoot down his ideas:

Hubby: You always poke holes in my ideas!
Me: Oh yeah? Well, you punch holes into mine! Things come dribbling out of your holes and gushing out of mine.

(Er, TMI? Sorry!)

On thinking of myself a better Christian for not complying to the rules hubby says:

Me: I knew what I was supposed to do, I just didn’t do it. I’m such a rebel! ::gleeful laugh::
Hubby: You weren’t a rebel, you were a hypocrite.

(Yowch! Okay, that last one wasn’t funny…)

Lame Jokes


P.S. All these jokes/-isms were posted with my hubby’s permission

P.P.S. I hate the term “hubby.” I need to come up with something less…I dunno. Will have to think on this…

P.P.P.S. I’m feeling much better from yesterday. Thanks for asking!

6 thoughts on “Funny Shit My Husband Says

  1. Your hubbie has a witty sense of humour..well apart from that last comment. If a family member tells me they’re constipated..I reply.. “STIFF SHIT!” hehe. I have been tempted many times to say that to my clients/patients..but of course haven’t. LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Also..regarding menstrual cramps. Just ONCE (at least)..would I like the men folk to experience what they REALLY feel like. Well, that and labour. They’d be a little more sympathetic if they did I reckon!

      Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.