It’s not often that I come across a piece of art which so brilliantly portrays what it like to experience feelings of anxiety and depression (well, at least not how I experience it) as does the anime I discovered on Netflix yesterday called Your Lie in April (Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso in Japan).
Kōsei Arima is a child progedy pianist whose emotionally abusive mother made him practice night and day. His mother died and he’s has since stopped playing the piano because he’s lost the ability to hear the notes while playing.
When he’s pressured into playing again he sees the “ghost” of his mother, the scenery turns dark and suddenly he’s in the bottom of the sea playing the notes from visual memory but can’t hear the keys. He feels like he’s drowing and the keys only make a glub-glub sound when he pressing on them.
I saw this scene and gasped, That’s exactly what depressive anxiety feels like!
When I’ve experienced extreme anxiety I have also been unable to hear. Sounds do very much sound muffled and indecipherable. The feeling of hitting the keys and not being able to make the right sound is like the feeling of dissociation from one’s body and the scene brillantly exemplies the the loss of hope from not being able to make your brain function like it’s supposed to. The deep dark sea is an oppressive weight and the light gets farther a way while you keep sinking.
When I have had suicidal thoughts* I’ve thought of drowning myself at night as I’ve felt that my death should be an outward expression of what’s going on internally. My biggest fear is the deep dark sea.
*Don’t be alarmed – I’m not currently having suicidal thoughts.
However if you are experiencing thoughts of wanting to die or harming yourself please get help. I just found out that Suicide Depression Lifeline has a chat feature: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx I don’t know about you but the last thing I’d feel I’d be able to do while having suicidal thoughts is call a stranger.
I can’t wait to continue watching this show to see how young Kōsei Arima gets through his anxiety and depression.