Life Doesn’t Make Narrative Sense

So, what do you believe now that you don’t believe in God?

I’m at a loss on how to answer that question. It doesn’t feel relevant.

I suppose a good retort would be:

What do I believe about what, exactly?

About how the earth formed?

What is the purpose of our lives?

What is LOVE?

(🎤Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more.)

It’s not like we shouldn’t be asking these questions it’s just that I’ve spent the majority of my life in my own head constantly asking those types of questions for my own sanity now I’m more focused on living my life.

I don’t really miss the “purpose-filled life.”  For me it was so…angsty. I don’t miss that. And I don’t miss the mental gymnastics it took to remain believing.

What I do miss is the ability to allow myself to fantasize.

For me fantasizing is dangerous. I say that partially because fantasy has been like a gigantic monster that has picked me up, swung me around, and pounded me into the ground. So emotionally it has wrecked me. But I also say that as a person with a mental health disorder as getting carried away with fantasy has put me in borderline psychosis.

Yet, I still want things.

I’ve learned since deconverting that wanting things is not a sin!

I used to fantasize about singing Karaoke and having everyone in awe of my beautiful voice!

Maybe in reality I can take voice lessons so I feel comfortable singing out loud if I’m singly mostly in-key. Maybe one day I’ll feel confident enough to even sing Karaoke in front of bunch of people! Or maybe if I learn enough about musical notes I can even write my own songs. Actually, I’ve already done that. Sorta. I did write songs for my kids when they were born and I sing them each their own song every night at bedtime.

I used to fantasize about kicking butt at roller derby. That didn’t work out, but – damn it – I was so brave to try! Now I can be proud of myself for conquering my fear and there is now a sport out there that I actually enjoy watching!

I sometimes fantasize that I’m someone people listen to and respect. I like to mentor others and was given some opportunities to do so at work and I loved it. So now I fantasize about being on the Training team. Maybe one day. Though not for a couple years. Mostly because I don’t have the confidence and I’m scared of not being liked.

I’ve always fantasized (like most girls/women) about being in a romantic relationship that would make all my dreams come true. However I’ve found that sublimating that desire into making my own dreams come true has been more satisfying and confidence boosting.

I used to fantasizing about people wanting to read what I write. That fantasy came true! I’ve had 3,000 visitors and 20,000 views since I started blogging. That’s way more than I was expecting, which was less than 10, honestly.

I used to fantasize about writing a novel, though at this point I don’t see that happening. When I was a kid I used to write short stories which had a great beginning, an okay middle and no end (I’m very poor at wrapping things up). I’m creative but don’t have the focus, discipline or motivation to care.

When I came out to my brother as an atheist he told I should write a book about deconversion as that is not a topic you commonly read about. Maybe I will write it some day. It is something I know about and it is something I actually care about.

As a kid I used to love art but my dreams were squashed when I overheard my art teacher tell my dad at a teacher conference that I had talent but that I didn’t try hard enough! As that was not true I felt completely misunderstood and I stopped being creative (it’s weird how childhood hurts can stay with you).

I keep trying to learn how to sew or knit so I can make beautiful things. But I have no patience to finish what I start! I think it’s because I realize that I can just buy beautiful things that others make. Like, somehow it’s serving society better by buying and appreciating their art instead of contributing my crap.

A couple years ago when Bitstrips ceased I was really bummed as I had enjoyed using their app to express my sense of humor on this blog. I now use Bitmojis with the same company. This allows me to use the same avatar with some catch phrases but I can’t change my facial expressions from what they’ve created or add my own words, which is extremely limiting. I have had the fantasy of creating my own comic but I wouldn’t even know how to get started.

All of this I suppose is healthy fantasy but I have to be able to do something with it or otherwise I become disjointed from reality.

Back to the question of What do I now believe?

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comfortably answer that question.


That reminds me…on Christmas I heard a song on the radio whose lyrics were:

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that’s playing
There’s no time to waste
There’s so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need

If you just believe

“Well, belief in yourself good but it’s not ‘all you need'”

I criticized out loud. My family shot me dirty looks. How dare I diminish the magic of Christmas! Bah humbug.

Actually, right after my out-loud pondering I practically squealed:

“Who is singing? He’s got the voice of an angel… well, if angels actually existed they’d sing like him. Wait…is this JOSH GROBAN?!”

I only know of Josh Groban because of this video he sings in on My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The song perfectly sums up my spiritual beliefs.


Life Doesn’t Make Narrative Sense

This song is so great except for the last two lines. I mean, it’s great advice but What. The. Actual. F%*@! I need to catch up on the show. Needless to say – I guess Rebecca will NOT be getting back with Greg!

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.