Update: the following was written yesterday. This week they’ve had the 20 new employees start to take phone calls and I’ve been assisting them. Because it delights me to mentor others this has made my day bearable. I’ll need to help them out over the next few weeks. I’m hoping my supervisor will see the value in this and how I contribute to the team. The lead trainer consistently choses me over other people to do this and I could really use some positive feedback.
Hi all. I’ve written several draft posts in the past couple weeks, but nearing the end I’ll be too emotionally exhausted and can’t finish.
I am quite sure I have entered a depressive episode, which hasn’t happened in a very long time. I have cried every day for the past week or so (after not having cried at all for many, many months) and I am very irritable, snapping at my family. I have had trouble leaving the house and I notice my eyes and spirit are down cast. I feel as if my work environment has broken me.
My work environment has become toxic, over the course of a few months, and especially the past couple weeks and this last week I could not stop myself from obsessive rumination, which I know has led to where I am now.
In my draft posts I wrote out details about what was happening, objective facts I could share so that you all can sympathize with the injustice and validate what I’m experiencing, but I have already done that with my counselor and I don’t need to ruminate anymore, as the general take – away is that, objectively, my employer is doing some really shitty things.
This is quite the turn -around, as I may have expressed to some of you how happy and confident I had become. I had intended on staying at this job for many years and was so glad to find a job that I could actually do.
There are, in fact, many good things still about the job that I love but the amount of asshattery and disrespect for employees has skyrocketed upon what appears to be a shift in focus that, in my humble opinion, will eventually result in negative outcomes for the company.
I have uncharacteristically shared my voice, which for me is quite difficult given that I abhor conflict, but there are certain situations – where people are being shit on – that I feel compelled to speak up. As you can imagine, regardless of how this is presented (which, I of course do in kindness and gentleness) any challenge to the vision and you are suddenly a problem person.
And so this feels emotionally very much how it felt when being verbally attacked by the narcissistic pastor many years ago. People are fleeing the department, and even the company itself, right and left, and its no wonder why.
This feels like when I was in martial arts tournament in high school, sparing an opponent who was much more skilled than I, losing my balance as she repeatedly kicked me in the head til I fell down. I remember feeling confused, dizzy, sick to my stomach, and my face and chest hot with shame.
This all sounds so dramatic, and you know that I am also beating myself, blaming my mental illness to tell myself it’s my fault and all in my head. However, when I look at the facts I have to acknowledge that it does look pretty shitty and that anyone would be upset.
I’m afraid to say that the stress had finally made me cross some sort of threshold, to where my moods have, once again, become dysregulated – this, after such a long time in good mental health.
Yesterday I did a mindfulness exercise for 30 minutes and realized I have not been having fully-fledged thoughts, not at all. My thoughts and emotions when I try to “watch” them are so overwhelming that I fall asleep. This is classic Quix defense.
And it’s something my brain hasn’t done in a couple years.
I believe if I keep doing the mindfulness exercises and focusing on the facts I’ll make it through. Today I focused on physical tasks, like laundry, dishes and trash. That helped. Anything to get me out of my head.
Eventually, I’ll need to find another job, unless things miraculously change for the better. I am grieving this, because it was not what I wanted at all. I don’t want to start over.
In fact, looking for work is probably more emotionally exhausting that what I’m currently experiencing. So I’m going to keep my head down and do my job and at least get through this move (we move next month – and, yes, we did find a place!) The moving process will provide a lot of opportunties to focus on non-work activities.
After the move I will re-evaluate. In the meantime I’ll be helping the new employees adjust to the job, something that gives me pleasure. I love mentoring others. So even if everything else at my job is shitty I can focus on that.
WHAT I’M READING:
Nothing- I’m having a hard time focusing
WHAT I’M WATCHING:
- The Handmaid’s Tale, one the most intense but GREATEST shows ever, on Hulu
- The Karate Kid, the 1984 movie
- Sensitive Skin, a touching and amusing series about a woman’s midlife crisis, starring Kim Cattrall (Samantha from Sex and The City)
- Evil Genius, Netflix documentary about the Pizza bomber bank heist (Note, imo, SPOILER: Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong was not an “evil genius,” she was a sick fuck with a personality disorder that got away with multiple murders)
WHAT I’M LISTENING TO:
- Phantom of the Opera (I loved the soundtrack as a teen and am finding it comforting to listen to the music now. I like the newer vocalists)
- Janelle Moane (This lady is so gorgeously talented. A breath of fresh air!)