In the 15 months I’ve had this job I have NOT:
- Had any mood disturbances that would clinically classify as having a depressive or manic episode.
- Lost my badge/key (not even once – total improvement from my normal flightiness)!
- Displayed any disordered behavior – nothing would indicate to anyone I have a mood disorder despite how I feel inside.
- Had to hide in the bathroom to cry (I have had to do I this so many times in my life).
- Been socially avoidant. I actually thrive on interacting with others now.
- Let my insecurity and lack of confidence affect my job performance.
How is this possible?
- Bravery. I’m serious. It’s been fucking scary and uncomfortable the amount of work I’ve put into myself and my life to get to this point.
- Meds! I can not emphasize enough. IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR MEDS. I tell my kids I have a non-contagious and non-deadly brain disease that effects my emotions and I have to take pills for it. It’s the truth.
- Therapy. Honestly, I’m actually really embarrassed how much therapy I’ve needed. Most need some help untangling themselves and go to therapy for a short period of time, but for me it’s been regular therapy for years. The reality I may require professional therapy the rest of my life, to un-brainwash myself from so much distorted thinking due to childhood experiences, my former religion, and distorted thoughts from my mood disorder.
Sorry, friends, for my absence. I’ve been moving AND starting/training for a different position at work at the same time.
This has highlighted quite a few things in my personal life that I am unhappy with. I mean, just disciplines, habits, lifestyle not inline with my values.
I’ve found that with the new start I want NOW everything to change this instant. I have been feeling deep DISGUST with myself. The intensity of which I feel is way out of proportion to the reality.
Welcome to this life of a person with mood deregulation! My behavior may not be disordered currently however my feelings are nearly always on ludicrous drive.
In fact, I’m not sure disgust is even an appropriate emotion when checking the facts. Sure, I’m disappointed with myself with certain things, but haven’t I been doing the best I can? Yes.
I have been focused on the little things. To use the least personal example, with my new grocery store they only use plastic bags and no paper bags. I feel disgust that they are so careless about waste and are contributing to environmental problems.
Normally, this is not something that I’m overly concerned with. Yes, I’m concerned but I just try to do my part to help by bringing my reusable bags. Often I’ll forget and ask for paper, which often throws the cashiers off a little because they are used to using plastic bags.
But the last few weeks I’ve been so scatterbrained I forget and I’ll hate myself and society for it. It’s was out of proportion and I’ve been feeling disgust in how little thought I, and society, give in taking care of myself, themselves, and the places we live. Important, but my disgust level is super high at present.
In addition to this intense disgust I’ve had the secondary emotion of anger. Like, why do I even have to move from the longest home I’ve ever had? Why did my previous position have to become so toxic I had to change departments?
I’m so angry with how “off” I feel with a disruption of routine. I HATE change that is not on my terms. I don’t handle it well, not at all. I rely on routine to regulate my mood and feel secure and when it’s thrown off I’m just a big mess.
For now I’m going to go but will post what I intended to be a weekly thing but what has become monthly: what I have been reading, watching, and listening to.
In the past MONTH:
I have been watching:
- Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu (it keeps getting better and better)
- Homeland on Hulu (the main character has bipolar disorder and this is the most accurate portrayl of bipolar I’ve seen in entertainment – more on that later in another post)
- GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) on Netflix. This show really lifts my spirits – it’s so much fun .
- Local news, state and national news is too upsetting at present.
I have reading:
- A book about an Elephant named Hannah – just started it and can’t remember the name.
I have been listening to:
- Not much of anything at all.
I’ve been playing games mostly:
- Candy Crush
- Pokemon Go
With my new schedule working regular business hours and the longer commute I have less time to blog. I’ll have to find a way to fit in time.
Till later, then. Cheers!