So much for the post I was going to write today, about how Elsa from Frozen is the badass superhero princess that I’ve wanted since I was a child (my childhood princess, Ariel from The Little Mermaid, does not hold a candle to her). But, alas, I must write this post about a less interesting topic because I simply cannot focus on anything else at the moment.
I’m not at liberty to give much detail about what led me to this place, because it is quite personal and involves other people, but last night I was in such a state of despair that I wanted again to die. I felt as if my depression was “cured” (ha!) at my mom’s, especially after I upped the dosage of my new med, however as I started thinking about going home the last few days it started to creep in again.
Last night what felt like a frantic attempt to find an immediate solution, I ended up applying to a job at my former workplace. This is like one going back to an abusive boyfriend, but I figured the devil-you-know versus the devil-you-don’t-know kind of situation, ya know? And I know there have since been some major changes within the company, for better or for ill, with the HR director being fired and all. So maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be so bad (I say with a squeaky skeptical voice)?
The situation had gotten so bad at my previous job that I felt I had to quit after 2 years despite trying everything in my power to stay for a whole year after it became toxic (it was that important to me to continue to work) and it was creating some major health problems for me and I stayed way longer than my healthcare providers advised. A few months after I quit I was determined to file a complaint with the EEOC for disability discrimination however from the date I could likely prove I had been discriminated against to the time I wanted to file it was too late.
If you’d like to see posts about my previous job and career ambitions: My ‘Werk it’ blog posts
The reason I’m going on and on about this is because for me to apply means I must be really desperate. To be fair I’d only been back home from my mom’s visit for 28 hours last night and all day yesterday I had been gung-ho determined to change my life. It’s not enough to feel like I’m making some progress, so I pushed myself farther than I was capable of doing.
While I’d advise one to live in the moment if you are in a situation you can work to change it is important to problem-solve.
I just looked at my 11-step plan to fix my situation and I realized that while I’ve done steps #3 and #4, and worked very diligently on #5 I have not completed steps 1 and 2 which are:
- Establish a routine at home and
- Put routine on my calendar specific steps for goal and also scheduled “me” time
I have made some progress in #1 and #2 but they really need to be my top priorities. I need to find my very pretty and fancy looking calendar I bought for school, which would be just perfect for keeping myself on track to move towards my goals.
It’s not like I totally bypassed these steps but without them I am doomed to fail because I will get overwhelmed, which is exactly what happened. I also don’t have to be perfect, I just and to try to stick through it regardless of how I feel and make slight adjustments if needed.
What keeps me spinning into circles is focusing on the wrong things because they feel most important however they are, in fact not. I need to fact-check myself sometimes and check my gut instinct.
Tomorrow I have a 2 hour float spa appointment tomorrow. Talk about self-care. I’m looking to find out what zen comes out of that experience.
Elsa post is coming later in the future sometime, don’t you worry.