Not sharing my ‘born again’ experience

A couple days ago I wrote a draft post about my ‘born again’ experience and it’s one of those posts that you want ‘out there’ but after you give it a day or two to think on it you realize you’d rather not post it. Does that ever happen to you?

Why not share it? It could likely help others, but as many of my online friends remind me ‘write about whatever the fuck you want to.’

It’s a deeply personal experience that contains situations and events that are painful to me, that’s why. With particular issues of past relationships; suicidal depression; mixed manic-depressed episodes; sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse; and having been emotionally manipulated.

I confess that according to ‘the world’ I was considered weak. It would have been easy to define me as a ‘broken’ or ‘lost’ person at the time, which made it all too easy to manipulate me. My Christian faith in many ways served me in a positive way in that it gave me a community and a sense of direction. But the harm done to me far exceeded the benefit.

Sure, there were “bad” Christians out there who caused me a great deal of harm, but this is not the reason I stopped believing.

It was the lack of help from the personal god I gave my life for; it was the inconsistencies in a coherent message about the supposedly obviously truth; it was the god and person of Jesus who, when you look at the whole of scripture (which I did, several times), was neither a nice father nor best friend; it was the spiritualization of my mental illness, that has both a biological and developmental cause; it was the language of smoke and mirrors and double-speak, and it was the discouragement and disdain for my search for anywhere truth may exist outside of what people told me to believe.

Every step toward my health led to doubt, which led to unbelief. I can’t help that it happened, in fact, I didn’t want it to happen. I begged my god to keep it from happening; I prayed for years; I immersed myself in scripture; I sought help from spiritual advisers; I surrounded myself with Christian believers and music, and yet…my faith just left me, after 20 years of radical completely immerse faith. Just like that.

Since that time four years ago I’ve not had the constant conflict in my mind and the pain and confusion from trying to make things make sense. I’m allowed to be skeptical and use my rational brain, and my unbelief serves me better than my belief every did.

My search for truth led me away from the doctrines of Christianity and the skepticism of the supernatural. Many can’t say that, and in kindness, I say I can respect you and your journey, but I don’t have to respect your beliefs themselves. I understand these things are intertwined, but I wish you wouldn’t see it that way.

I’d love to hear many viewpoints on this, but you should know that attempts to get me back will be unsuccessful. I will not accept walls of scriptures or attempts to bring me back into the fold.

UPDATE: I posted my story as “Protected” so you’ll need a password if you want to read it. You can request the password by emailing me at It’s at my discretion who I feel comfortable sharing it with. Thanks for your understanding, friends.

3 thoughts on “Not sharing my ‘born again’ experience

  1. I deleted my entire deconversion blog, hundreds of entries long, for the same reason. It was a record of terrible pain, trauma, guilt and suffering…I didn’t want to leave such a legacy of agony out on in cyberspace. Also my son featured prominently in it, as a sick priest and one of his religious counselors diagnosed both my son and I as suffering from demon possession. I could not risk my boy ever reading such insanity.

    If there’s something you really want to get off your chest you can always post it and then delete it a couple days later, or make the post password protected. I hope you feel free to delete any comment that is not helpful, including theists opinions on your deconversion. On my blog I attempted to be diplomatic and allow theists to post, which was a mistake. You don’t need to put up with anyone’s shit, nor do you need to justify yourself, or your story, to anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the advice, Violet. I may make it password protected. If I make a password protected post would it show up in people’s feed as password protected or not at all? I’ve written posts then made them password protected before but wasn’t sure if other people could see I wrote the post. I guess I can try and ask what people can see.

      Edited to add more: It just baffles me how you and your son could be diagnosed as demon-possessed. I mean, in this day and age. I’m so sorry you went through that, Jesus! (I mean in the Lord’s name-in-vain sense. LOL)


      1. I wrote some really sensitive posts as password protected, and only gave the password to my closest WP friends. It’ll show up in other people’s feed, but it’ll be a white page that says “this post is password protected” and then leaves a space for people to enter the password. So people have to contact you to get the password, which is a hassle but gives you control. No part of the body of the post will be seen, not even the title. You don’t even have to give out the password if you’d like to keep it for your eyes only.

        Yeah, the demon thing was bad. The truly awful part was that the priest did such a good job of backing up his “diagnosis” with scripture, I actually believed him for a time, much to my utter shame (I was also suffering from severe postpartum depression so my judgement wasn’t the best to begin with). The bible is filled with demons, and exorcisms are at an all time high now in the US (mostly involving women and young children, which figures)…so apparretnly I’m not the only one who got duped into thinking demons were attacking us. Ugh, it makes me sick to think about it. What an absolutely vile thing to tell a disabled woman and infant.

        Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.