No Satisfaction

Today I’m feeling more anhedonia. That is, no matter what I do I’m not getting any sense of well-being or pleasure, at all. I need me some dopamine. You’d be surprised how much you need it to feel well. Right now I’m feeling an antsy sense of boredom. Typically I can get over this by accomplishing a small goal but that’s not working.

I thought about buying a pack of cigarettes, as I’m quite sure smoking would work, at least temporarily. I’m not a smoker, per se. I’ve only smoked a total of 3 packs in my life so, it’s not addicting to me like it is to others. Regardless, smoking is not a healthy activity and can I honestly justify it? No.

Well, I put away a couple bags of groceries and I felt well for about 2 minutes then I’m back to this shit. I didn’t think the “at ease” would devolve into this. Writing this post is helping but when it’s done I’ll be back to mind-numbing boredom.

Walking didn’t help.

Even finding my rollerblades didn’t help.

At least I’m having zero anxiety. That’s something.

Something to talk to my psychiatrist about on Monday. I’ve read this can be a side effect of my new med. I also have gained 10 lbs in the last 6 weeks (holy shit!) This last week I’ve been constantly stuffing food into my face because I can’t feel any satisfaction.

About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.