At my last job on day 3 I was doing the office manager’s job while she was out sick, which was just ridiculous. Turns out the office manager, who’d been there for over 10 years, was looking to leave.
I know this because apparently, I’m still on the employee email list.
If I were still there everything would have fallen on me in her absence. Lovely.
So yeah, glad I’m gone.
This news helps. It helps because in my free time (which I have in spades at the moment) I spend time regretting my decisions, despite knowing they were the best decisions I could have made in those moments.
But when you are sitting in your king-sized bed, surrounded by papers and mail, laundry and empty water bottles, binging on craisins, and unsuccessfully trying to find some sense of joy on the internet, you really start to zone in on those decisions.
I wonder how many times I’m going to keep closing doors. And I also wonder how many times I’m going to keep sticking with things until they become unhealthy. Historically, I’ve done the latter. I’m trying to make healthier decisions.
They tell me not to ruminate.
But ruminating at this moment is the only thing that’s making me feel better, at least temporarily. Yesterday following the New Hampshire election helped. I was reading a book about populism and that helped. And right now I’m ruminating in the form of a blog post.
It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since I quit my job.
The job search is maddening. I even applied for my old position that I quit last March, and two other positions within the same company. And I hate that company. In fact, when I drive by the building I secretly flip them the bird. I got a call from the head trainer who likes me because now she’s a recruiter too, and based on my conversation with her I was for sure I’d start on Monday.
She said a couple weeks ago that she was excited to see my name on the docket and that she’d “pitch” re-hiring me to the higher-ups to see if they can get me started.
She nor anyone else in HR ever called me back (typical) and I haven’t heard about the other positions I applied for with the company. I called to followup and haven’t gotten a return phone call. I hate waiting. And I hate being rejected by a company I hate. Which I realize may not make a lot of sense because why would I even want to work there? (answer: I’m desperate) but it just feels worse.
I haven’t heard back about that hospital job I interviewed for a week ago either. That interview was an hour and a half and took a lot out of me because of the behavioral-based interview questions. I’m sure they have a lot of qualified candidates, and they may possibly still be interviewing. I just need to find out soon if I’m no longer being considered. They said to call back in a couple weeks for an update if I haven’t heard from them. I don’t think 8 days can be considered a couple weeks. I’m trying to figure out when to call.
I have re-applied to my social services job from 2016 five times since I quit. It’s because it’s a good steady job. I wasn’t able to do it at the time because I had just lost my faith, just told my husband I wanted to split, moved into a different bedroom, and hadn’t worked for an employer in 7 years. I didn’t have the psychological tools to handle it. But now I do. Not that I want to work there. But again, desperate. So I contacted HR and asked them why I hadn’t been considered again for the position (it has a high turn over rate). They simply said there were a lot of applications.
It feels awful to be rejected and ignored. I feel like I’m groveling.
I don’t think vocational rehabilitation is going to be able to help me. I got a letter in the mail from them saying that based on my records they do consider me to have a severe disability (a 3 on a scale of 1-5) and that I could use their help in preparing for and finding work.
Though there is something else the eligibility letter said that really bothered me. It simply listed that my disability affected me in two areas: interpersonal skills and self-direction. To be honest, that kind of hurt my feelings. I’ve never had any interpersonal issues on the job nor had any issues with self-direction on the job. In my personal life? Maybe? but not at work. Ask any of my past coworkers or supervisors.
It reminds me of my last session with our family therapist. She insinuated that I didn’t really want to be independent. That broke me because I’ve never felt more misunderstood.
I have a disability.
I know because I’ve gotten validation confirming disability for FMLA (family medical leave) at a previous job, and now from vocational rehabilitation. I’m simply just trying to find a way to live the life I want despite having limitations.
I had to call the vocational rehab place to set up another meeting. The letter said I was eligible for services but never said what those services were or how to get them. My caseworker is brand new. Vocational rehab didn’t help me last time (I found a job on my own several months later), so I’m really skeptical this time. Despite my skepticism, I’m trying to keep doors open that may help.
Only 3 1/2 weeks since my last job. God, it feels like months. I can’t do this for months. I need a job within the next couple of weeks or I’ll go crazy.