How it’s going

If only I could find something else to write about other than how I’m doing, but I can’t.

Try, Quix. People are unsettled, but I can’t write about anything ‘settling’ at the moment.

For 6 weeks (or has it been 7 or 8?) I’ve had little motivation and wasted away my days. When my kids were in school there was something about knowing they were in good hands at least for the hours they were at school, and when they came home their presence would remind me that I’m a bad mom. What a horrible way to look at it, I know. It’s not their fault, in any way. I’m pretty sure it’s my depressive mind.

Now that I know they’ll be home from school for at least 2 weeks (and, let’s face it: probably more) I have had a slight shift in perspective. I don’t know what it means yet, but I feel less like a bad mom. I’m somehow connected with my son more and my teen daughter’s attitude has been helpful.

Maybe they are just happy to not have to go to school for a while. Tomorrow I start the “social distance” learning with my kids that the school has implemented through their website. Hopefully, it won’t be like pulling teeth, as I think my kids were hoping for a staycation, not home school. And hopefully, I have enough ink and paper to print out the assignments.

Today I slept in like I normally do but I also did a lot of cleaning. I feel helpless. The time I spent cleaning I didn’t feel helpless. Then I got tired cleaning and decided to write this post. After washing my hands well, of course.

I’m afraid to go out. I’m always afraid to go out. Well, when I take my kids to school in the mornings I’m less afraid to go out, but kids aren’t going to school anymore. Now I’m afraid to go out even more so because I’m afraid I’ll not be able to find what I need or people will be weird.

Quix, people are going to be weird. Expect it. I just need to do it (go to the store).

And realize it’ll be difficult.

How are you coping?

 

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.