My irritability is (mostly) gone. And my stomach didn’t hurt today. I’m not feeling very dizzy either. Yes!
However, I am having obsessive thoughts. Ruminations I can’t seem to control. The kept circling me and wouldn’t stop. I realized their power over me and decided to defuse from the thoughts.
“I’m having the thought that___”
I wrote out all the thoughts I was having. There were A LOT. Nearly all of them were associated with feeling things were outside my control or how ashamed I felt. This exercise of labeling the thoughts stopped them from overtaking me but the thoughts were (are) still there.
There are so so so many serious things that are outside my control right now that are alarming. Not alarming because I have a mental illness and am amplifying things – alarming because they are truly alarming. They have to do with the possibility of not being able to pay bills, no longer have health insurance, and maybe a roof over our heads, or little food. My brain is cycling on that. But none of that has happened yet, there is evidence that we are okay for the next couple months and the knowledge that I’m doing everything I can.
Beyond that, the loss of control that I feel is tied with longer-term goals. I have been in crisis mode for several years and I see little hope of getting out of it. This pandemic, combined with my home-life crisis, is amplifying these thoughts. I see little hope because I can’t seem to do what I need to do to get out of it.
Speaking of hope:
I had a phone interview yesterday for a job. It was a panel of 6 people!
They might call me back for a second in-person interview. I won’t know until they do. I was able to get the HR person (who is not in charge of the decision) to tell me when the second interviews are scheduled for. April 29th, so if that date comes and I don’t hear anything it’s a no-go. I’m guessing if I don’t hear anything by end of Friday that’s a really bad sign. I also got the HR person to tell me that they were hiring for multiple openings with this position, thus increasing my chances.
Initially, I tried to not get my hopes up by assuming they won’t call me back.
Yet, I bought tweezers and an eyebrow pencil so I can look more presentable in an interview. I tried on outfits I could wear for an interview. I tried on different combinations of clothes I could wear on the job. I looked up benefits for the job.
Is that not hope they’ll call me back?
It’s not a job I want to do, but I feel desperate to get the job and do it. I need to work. For my sanity, and for money, of course. I need a stable job that will pay a living wage that I can sustain. And I believe this is it. But, BUT all my eggs are in one basket.
Why the F would I do that again?
I tried not to hope but I’m hoping anyway and that is god-awful. It will crush me if I don’t get a second interview. CRUSH. ME.
I’m tired of searching, and when not searching, failing. I’m tired of spending all my time looking and getting rejected.
I folded some towels and put them away to feel a semblance of control. That small act actually helped a little. I reminded myself that I am safe and no one is currently judging nor rejecting me. That helped a little.
I had unsettling dreams again. But I’m no longer hearing knocks at the door when I wake up or fall asleep.
I’m looking for signs of hypomania. I am having some symptoms. I was extremely irritable (a major sign I’m having a mood episode), but the irritability went away. I’m sleeping less but still sleeping. I don’t feel euphoric at all. I’ve not suddenly become an extrovert. I am writing a lot (journaling), but I’m not writing 10,000 words on a topic like I can do when I’m hypomanic. I don’t feel like I’m out of control. That’s an extremely important factor.
I feel like if I wanted to I could take a nap right now. So, no, I’m not hypomanic.
Yesterday scared me though because of the irritability. Also, because I wandered off behind the park. My wandering places is not a good sign for me.
Or maybe I was just being adventurous? I was bored with the same old circuit around the park. There was a clearing. The grass was mowed. See:
I walked a quarter of a mile until the path ended and I turned around. I’m pathologizing. I’m worried about the obsessive thoughts. I used to have them all the time when depressed but more so when hypomanic. I’ve been able to calm them down a bit by using some defusing techniques. That’s important.
I need to be patient with myself and I need to remind myself that there is some serious shit going on, and on top of that I’ve got medication messing with my brain chemistry. And that messes with everything.