Just pathetic

Yesterday I was quite pathetic. And I really mean that. It was Mother’s Day and I was really tired of being a mother and not appreciated so I threw a pity-party for myself and stayed secluded the whole day.

At the end of the day, I told everyone that I’d like to see them. Could they come to my room? I didn’t so much care about Mother’s Day anymore but I was really sad and knew to isolate was the opposite of what would be helpful in this situation. Plus, I really wanted to get over myself.

No one remembered it was Mother’s Day. Perhaps it would have been better for me to say earlier, “Hey everyone – it’s Mother’s Day – come be nice to me!” But I thought that was pathetic so I ended up engaging in more pathetic behavior during the day (which was to isolate and feel sorry for myself).

When everyone gathered into my room my daughter was bitching about being torn away from her phone or something silly and it made me cry, though I tried to hide my tears because I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.  So I gathered myself and said, “It’s Mother’s Day, and want I want is to hang out with all of you.”

My daughter stopped bitching and stared at me with sympathy in her eyes. My son exclaimed, “Happy Mother’s Day!” and “What do you want, Mom?” I laughed and said that I was craving cake, but we didn’t have any and that was okay.  My son jumped up and said, “I’ll make you a cake” and ran to the kitchen.

I looked at my other family members, confused, realizing that there were no ingredients to bake a cake, so what the heck was my son working on? 5 minutes later my son comes back with a tray containing the following ingredients:

He had stacked four buttered and toasted chocolate chip Eggo waffles on top of each other. On top of that was a toasted Smore’s Pop-Tart.  On top of the Pop-Tart and surrounding the “cake” were banana slices arranged in an esthetically pleasing way.

It was such a cute gesture and so creative that it was better than if it had been an actual cake. It really touched my heart and it actually tasted pretty good.

I really love that boy.

Holidays are always a trigger for me. Holidays are what the sun is to my daughter. Most people love nice sunny weather, but it just makes my daughter depressed. It somehow reminds her that all is not right in her world.

Holidays remind me that all is not right in my world. It’s not as if I don’t already know it. It just amplifies it. I’ve gotten less pathetic about it as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still a thing.

I haven’t left the house since Friday. That in itself is not that bad. What’s bad is that it was such a struggle to leave my room today.

I did manage to leave my room and do a little bit of cleaning. Though I forgot a lot of things I was supposed to do and I got progress reports from my kids’ schools and just as I suspected – my son is doing great but my daughter is really behind. So that made me feel worse about not helping my kids with their school work today, which is new for me.

My daughter is an incredibly intelligent teenager with ADHD. She’s way smarter than me so I’m not able to help her academically, but I had been helping her focus by sitting next to her and interacting with her through her assignments. This is one of the few ways schooling from home has actually been beneficial for my kids.

Still, despite my daughter’s medication, her brain goes ALL OVER THE PLACE. It’s quite exhausting to help her but it had been a great joy to do so. When I can keep up it’s fascinating to watch her brain work. She will go into lengthy diatribes about how the articles she’s reading are dimwitted and all the nuances of a topic the writers are missing out on. Really great stuff, but doesn’t actually focus her on getting her work done.

Recently she has refused to let me help her. She’s pissed off at her dad and me that we now 1. Take her phone from her every night and 2. Make her do family time with us every night.

So now she throws such a fuss if I try to help her and I’m too exhausted to care. That’s not true. I’m bitching about it here, aren’t I?

The grades are set up for the rest of the school year such that they aren’t going to fail the kids – they can still go to their assigned classes next year if they don’t keep up with the work during this pandemic. I guess since the consequences are low the number of fucks we give is also low. That’s not usually how I am with my kids’ schooling – I’m just fatigued.

The problem is that I’ve got this depression – or whatever it is – that’s hanging out on my shoulders. I’m tired all the time. I get plenty of sleep, I’m just tired of life being the way it is. I’m giving in to it a little bit and that’s not good.

It’s been three days since I left the house. If I don’t go out tomorrow it’ll be this whole thing. While it’d be best if I go for a walk, going for a walk sounds overwhelming. I hate that if I don’t keep a schedule stupid things like that will overwhelm me.

Tomorrow I’m going to leave my house just to leave it. That may mean just getting into my car and driving for a little bit.

I can’t reinforce my avoidant behavior. It’s just going to snowball.

5 thoughts on “Just pathetic

  1. I feel the same about holidays, and parenting during this pandemic is f’ing hard. I’m feeling utterly crushed by the amount of non-stop homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, and laundry I’m doing, plus managing a flare up of my disease which has me crying in pain three times a day. I knew my son and husband wouldn’t remember Mother’s Day so I told them the day before…when Sunday arrived my gift was when the two of them unloaded the dishwasher for me (with my son bitching the entire time). I remembered the old days when I thought at least god would see all my hard work and reward me in heaven…well, that’s all gone to shit.

    I don’t know what more schools can expect of us. I’m doing schoolwork with my kid SEVEN HOURS A DAY, and if they dare tell me he’s not doing well enough, I’m going to march down to my teacher’s house, ring her doorbell, and bitch slap her right in the face…social distancing be damned! I have had serious thoughts of throwing in the towel and calling it quits for the rest of the school year. Fuck the consequences.

    I don’t know what is reasonable to expect from ourselves at this time, but as for me, I’m just hoping to survive with some small shred of sanity intact. I might not achieve it.

    I’m sorry they didn’t remember you, Quix, but glad your son made you a little cake. As a fellow mom I raise a glass and toast everything you do…we’re doing the best we can under difficult circumstances. That counts for something in my book. Perhaps I’m not the perfect parent I had hoped to be, but fuck it, this is the best I can do with what I’ve got.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Violet! You are doing a great job if you manage to do even a quarter of what you are doing with your painful flare ups. If I were you – I’d contact the teachers and tell them that due to your circumstances your son is going to have to seriously cut back on the amount of work he’s doing. That way, takes some pressure off of you. At least I’d hope they’d be willing to work with you.

      Happy late Mother’s Day! I raise a glass to you as well. Thanks, my friend ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aw, thanks hon. I have had a conversation with my son’s teacher. She tells me my child should be able to work 100% independently. So I tried that…and he’d just play video games the second I wasn’t looking. His teacher is apparently under some misguided impression that all 8 year olds are responsible and self-motivated. I know she is a very dedicated teacher who is trying to maintain high standards, and I do respect that in theory…but in real life it’s not working. She tells me there are kids who can manage to work independently, but that makes me feel like even more of a failure since mine won’t.

        We will get through this Quix. I’m not sure how, but just getting out of bed everyday is a start. Much love and many hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Really?? She expects 8 year olds to be able to work independently? That seems just a tad bit unrealistic. And, yeah, just because some can doesn’t mean all can. Wow, that actually makes me mad on your behalf, tbh.

          HUGS back. Oh – and I got your email. 🙂 I just haven’t been able to respond yet but I will soon.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Belated happy mother’s day! Your son’s improvised cake sounds amazing!

    My hangup is bdays. I’ve had 2, in my life, that weren’t horrifically sad. Now I get older but I don’t have a bday.

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.