I did it

I got out of the house! Yup – I didn’t think I was going to make it. What gave me motivation today was my daughter’s attitude change. We took a look at her progress report and she (voluntarily) came up with a plan for devoting more time to the specific subjects she was struggling in. She was very pleasant about the whole thing and wasn’t giving me an attitude.

On top of that, she asked if she could speak to me privately and wanted to discuss The Gay/Trans Panic Defense, which she learned about on Tik Tok of all places. She felt anxious about criminals being able to get away with violence towards an LGBTQ+ person. We had a really long discussion about that and about the LGBTQ+ community, which she considers herself a part of. The past couple of weeks she’s been painting flags of all various subcommunities (gay, bi, pan, trans, ace) within the LGBTQ+ community (I wanted to call it the queer community, but is that considered a slur? Someone more knowledgable than me please tell me).

Anyway, all that to say I’m thrilled she’s talking to me and that gave me the motivation to get out of the house for a walk. I even jogged a little, and went further than the last time I jogged, though when I took a break my right ankle and calf cramped up really hard again and took quite a bit of rest until I could walk again.

There were quite a lot of people outside for my walk today. I went at 6pm instead of my typical 3pm and the amount of people out was quite startling. There was a group of 12 playing basketball and 3 groups of teams between 15-20 people playing soccer. Wait a second, aren’t we still on a stay-at-home order and with groups to be under 10? Well, apparently people in my area don’t give a fuck anymore.

Rather than have a panic attack, which would likely be an appropriate response in this situation, my brain goes: Okay, so a lot more people are going to get sick and this thing is going to last FOREVER. Yup. I don’t seem to have judgmental anger towards others who aren’t taking the pandemic seriously. Rather, I have deep resigned sadness.

Before the lockdown, I had scheduled a lot of medical appointments: 2 dental appointments for my daughter, one for me. A physical exam for my son. Eye exams for me and both kids. They were all well-overdue appointments already and were canceled due to the pandemic. And now every place is calling asking to reschedule and I’m like, Ugh, but I can no longer afford it! Income is tight and we may not have any in a month or so.

Then I’ll have this sick feeling in my stomach that if we don’t do this now it may be many more months and I don’t know when we are going to lose our health insurance. It’s very tough to make these decisions. I don’t know what to do. I think I’m going to do nothing until I can have more certainty. I likely will regret that decision later, but what if we end up not being able to pay rent because of some exams/treatments that we can put off for a few months?

How depressing! That’s not what I meant to write about, but I’ll leave it here. As a way to chronicle my experiences over time. Maybe in a few months I’ll have found out everything turned out okay.

Back to my walk. Lots of people. So I walked away from the park a bit. Once it got to be closer to 7pm the park became significantly less crowded. I think from now on I’ll walk around 7pm instead of my usual 3pm.

Here are some pictures from my walk:

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Hello, big ball of gas in the sky!

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I loved this shadow because my legs look super long and lean (as opposed to my short stubby legs)

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This tree has a face!

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This is a photo taken from my pocket.

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See that bench? That’s where I sat for a break.

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Another pocket photo. 

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The sun setting. Purty.

Now I gotta go write a cover letter for a job I’m applying to.

The issue is I have a thought, a belief, that Nothing is ever going to work out. It’s a very powerful thought and really I can’t fight it because it’s bigger than me and it will win. And what I have to do so I don’t waste the rest of my life is recognize that thought isn’t serving me well and dismiss the thought as just one of my many thoughts.

Anyway, eventually, I’m going to get around to writing that cover letter. I’m hoping to do that before I write my next post (tomorrow). If I don’t write the cover letter I’ll write a post about why I didn’t write it.

I’m just so used to combatting the Nothing is ever going to work out with an alternate But, Quix, you don’t know that. Maybe it will! Because my brain will give me examples (and there are loads) of times when things haven’t worked out. So, really, I just gotta roll my eyes and say, Who cares because I’m just going to take whatever opportunities I have.

I’m rolling my eyes right now. Rolling my eyes so hard. Just like I did when I created the title for this post.

11 thoughts on “I did it

  1. Your pocket has a great eye for pics!

    Early today I commented that I believe Life always works out for the best. But it rarely follows out desired timeline. I’m holding hard to that belief as I rapidly approach being completely broke . I take an iota of comfort in knowing I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ps: Yes, it’s usually okay to say queer so long as you’re using it inclusively or positive.

      What the heck is “ace”? That one’s new to me! A lesbian friend mafe fun of me when I started adding the Q… LGBTQ. But now there’s also a “2” and something else.

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      1. “Ace” is a shortened way of saying “asexual” (those who feel little to no sexual attraction to any gender).

        I had to look up “2” as I’d never heard of it. Apparently it means “two spirit” as in – having the a masculine and feminine ‘spirit’ within themselves. It apparently comes from native culture. I wonder how this differs from non-binary or gender fluid.

        Here is a good resources for learning the terms if anyone who is reading this is interested: https://ok2bme.ca/resources/kids-teens/what-does-lgbtq-mean/

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        1. Here’s a test: Do you know CIS without looking it up??? (I think I’m learned it about a year ago.

          I was a well known “fag hag” (or fruit fly, if you prefer) in the late 80s through 2000s. And I have a looong ago boyfriend who’s transitioned to female.

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          1. Yep – cisgendered (meaning, you identify as the gender you were assigned at birth, as opposed to transgender) 🙂

            “Fag hag” sounds like a horrible slur – I wonder if it is still used? What was it like to find out your ex-boyfriend transitioned from M2F?

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          2. Fag hag was meant to be a slur but I loved and embraced it. Taking back “homo” and “queer” didn’t happen till years later.

            I found a msg in my fb “other” mailbox that had my ex boyfriend’s last name but female 1st name. We hadn’t spoken in 5+ yrs, despite knowing each other since 1980, and I thought, “there’s no way he’s now she.” I opened the msg and my brain exploded (which is really really hard to do!). She gave NO hints of being gender dysphoric in all the years we’d know each other. She knew I’d be accepting but she wasn’t accepting of herself. It explained a lot about our failed relationship but, sadly, was not the root of her substantial mental issues.

            I’m cool with the whole thing, minus her strong desire to show me her “boobies” (not my thing, mental overload, and I hate that term).

            A big thing for me was that she started acting like a teen. It took me awhile to realize it’s because she kindof was. Her body was 50+ but her identity stopped in puberty.

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          3. Yeah – there is a difference between being young at heart and acting childish. I know I’d be a bit put off if an ex wanted to show me her breasts.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.