Hydrangeas

***Note: this post has nothing to do with hydrangeas other than I wanted to show off the ones my MIL gifted to me from her garden cuz I want to share the little bit of happiness they bring me.***

I’m hesitant to share good news because, well, you know, THINGS CAN GO WRONG and THERE ARE STILL SO MANY THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.

I’m going to share it anyway, because I want you to know.

After Scott (my job placement coordinator at Vocational Rehabilitation) found me a job lead I followed up and got myself a phone interview (after playing phone tag all day) and spoke with the employer for 30 minutes.

Thirty minutes is a long time. I was not expecting anything more than just setting up an interview meeting but, duh, COVID. So, phone interview it was.

The interview went fairly well. I struggled a bit at first but then started faking confidence and then things seem to go more smoothly to the point where the employer said, “You sound like you’d be a good fit for the job” and we set a time for me to stop by, introduce me to everyone and show me around.

In other words, a second interview.

I immediately emailed Scott (remember: he’s my Voc Rehab jobs guy) and he immediately emailed me back, congratulating me and to set up a phone call for interview practice. Today we spoke for an hour and he gave me a bunch of tips. He seemed to think that my answers to the questions I was asked in the interview was good, which is why I likely got the in-person interview.

It was an enjoyable and extremely helpful conversation and I ended the phone call feeling confident.

Earlier today I got some news that my husband’s disability pay is not being reevaluated next month, instead will be reevaluated in January. This means there is a whole 6 months that I don’t have to worry about where our income will be coming from.

THAT IS SUCH A RELIEF!

Health insurance is another thing. Next month we’ll have to start paying for COBRA ourselves unless I can find a job with health insurance. Our family has so many medical needs we can’t go without coverage so it’s a major concern. One we are currently problem solving.

(I’m fairly certain the job I’m interviewing for doesn’t offer health insurance and neither will it pay enough to cover the cost of COBRA premiums, but it’d be a start).

Then there is the housing situation. Next month the landlords can decide if they want to keep us or move us out. We’ve already moved 2 times in the last 3 years and I’d rather not (for my kids’ sake) move yet again. What we are seriously considering is whether to go month-to-month on our lease rather than annual in case things change. It would cost significantly more to do so, but could be worth it.

The primary reason being my husband may or may not be able to work in the next few months and I may or may not be able to find a job where I can be independent.

I asked my mother if I could move in with her. Without my kids. I’ve been feeling really desperate looking for solutions. I’ve got significant mental health issues and am trapped in my situation. The consequences of my moving in with her are pretty harsh and it’s not an ideal solution. I’m simply trying to think out of the box.

I’ve had significant correspondence with my mother on this and other issues. It has been very helpful to have someone take my concerns seriously and try to help problem solve in a way that’s meaningful.

I started to type out more specifics but faced a torrent of made-up judgments that I hurled my way. Things I assumed you’d be judging me for. There is no need to take on even more stress on top of everything else I’m going through, so likely I’ll just decide to do things and share them as they play out.

Everything goes back to this dialectical thinking I keep bringing up: on one hand I need to focus on what’s right in front of me and not let the bigger picture wear me down. On the other hand, I need to take actual steps towards goals that I want.

The reason I don’t is because I’m forever thriving for a WIN-WIN and all my options are either LOSE-LOSE, LOSE-lose, or lose-LOSE.

And no matter what I do things are going to suck for years.

Except…I now have the Scott helping me with jobs and my Mom offering to give me help I have desperately needed.

So maybe things suck but they don’t have to suck EVERY time, ALL the time. FOREVER.

Hopefully?