How my new job is going so far

I can’t say that I “like” the job, but it is definitely well-suited for me at the moment. For the most part, it is non-stressful.

About a quarter of my day, if not more, I am doing nothing. There is nothing to respond to and nothing to do. There were a few exceptions where it was really busy and that left me a little frazzled but I was able to easily recover.

Sometimes it’s a bit complicated because there are the guidelines and way they usually do things and there is the way they are doing things now due to Covid. The clients are not allowed in the office, yet they need to fill out paperwork. Plus, extra documentation is needed if someone’s hours have been cut or they lost their job due too the virus. Everyone says that it’s because of the virus but most of the time it’s for unrelated reasons.

I still don’t have the job down-pat because it is so slow. I don’t often come across the various situations I’ll need to learn by doing. I’ll get them by doing them several times.

There are only two employees I work with: the office coordinator and the food pantry coordinator. They have been very kind and patient with me. I have no bones about asking for help and it is expected that I will if I need.

What is different from my other jobs is that I’m able to learn at a slow pace and I have no production deadlines nor pressure to move faster. Also, I do not go home feeling inadequate or take my work home with me.

On the other hand I don’t ever feel “good” about my job or that I’ve accomplished anything. I feel like this job can be done without my presence. I don’t feel like I’m adding anything useful. I realize that’s something many working people feel, but it is just an observation I’ve had about my other jobs that had occasionally given me some sense of satisfaction.

I can’t see myself doing this for a long time, but this is a good job to have in the meantime while I look for something else. I got my first paycheck last week and I was able to pay a little bit towards the $1k we owe for my daughter’s hospital visit before it got sent to collections.

Unfortunately, this month my whole paycheck will go to health insurance and we will still be in the hole. The job pays very low, lower than I’ve made since college 20 years ago. I’m supposed to get a pay increase at my 90 day evaluation but they told me it would not be substantial.

My therapist told me to give myself a week break from looking for a higher paying job. I did not listen to her – I cannot stop myself from my curiosity. Erm, obsession from seeing what’s out there.

But I feel like I’m cheating on my current job just by looking. What an odd way to feel. I’m making it too personal. I’ve obviously got to look out for myself and my family but it just feels wrong to look for other work two weeks in and when the job seems to be well-suited for me at the moment.

When I look for work I feel like I’m moving towards my goals but I also feel helpless because I feel like I can’t handle a job that is more stressful than I have now (which as I said, is hardly stressful at all).

Looking for work also reminds me how I’ve not been able to find a decent paying job in the last 4 years and upset with myself that I wasn’t able to stay at my job from that time because I would have been able to save up and move out on my own a couple years ago.

It’s a frustration I can’t dwell on and I have to fight the helplessness and hopelessness. No, not fight – just realize it’s here with me and I have to do what I have to do regardless of how I feel.

I’m hoping if I apply for a job while I have a professional job (which I do now) I’ll have better luck. I really can’t look for other work again while I’m unemployed because it looks bad to employers. My vocational rehab job placement coordinator told me he’d look out for other jobs for me.

Meanwhile I decided to settle in a little bit. I found some decour for my office at the thrift store a couple stores down and have a plaque up on my wall that reads,

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about dancing in the rain.”

Normally, I hate platitudes but this one is one I need to embrace.

3 thoughts on “How my new job is going so far

  1. Give yourself time. You’ve made a big step forward!

    I haaaate that I feel C19 is why I have no job opps but can’t get support options because I was already out of work. Also can’t get those increased & extended unemployment benefits. As I’m sure you experienced, if you were already unemployed then everything is just “sucks to be you” rather than “we realize you need help too.”

    I hope you find a better job/income, one with insurance(!), soon!

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.