Reflection

I went for a walk this morning! Instead of waking up naturally at 6:30 like I do during weekdays, today I woke up at 8. I usually like to sleep in really late on weekends but today after several minutes of drowsiness I got out of bed and got ready to go for a walk.

I was drowsy because I didn’t sleep well. My FitBit indicated that I was so restless it only calculated an hour of sleep (despite the fact that I was asleep for 9 hours). The reason I didn’t sleep well is that yesterday I went through some of my old journals from 6-8 years ago.

It was like reading someone else’s journals. The things that I was preoccupied with – no, obsessed with – are no longer relevant in my life, and I saw how much pain I had been in and how much I prayed to a god who I begged to rescue me, who never answered my prayers. What I really needed was good therapy and medication.

It was with compassion that I read the thoughts of my former self, but it was impossible not to feel heartache over how I had suffered. I felt deep shame over how much power I had given to other (toxic) people in an attempt to gain sanity.

I did not ditch he journals, but I’m seriously considering doing so. It is enough to simply remember what was on my mind those few years ago and how I felt about it. I don’t need to revisit the details.

I’d only journal when I was upset or distressed, therefore it does not reflect the full picture of my experience. I’ve thought about whether this applies to my previous blog posts from a year or two after my journals. I realized it does not, and I will be keeping those as long as the platform will allow me to do so.

There is something about writing thoughts that others will read that protects me from complete darkness. I often use my blogs as a sort of journal, am quite transparent and at times write about distressing things, however, there is always at least a tinge of hope in my posts because I do not allow myself to drag others into my pit of despair, and this has the positive effect of changing my own thoughts.

I believe it was a mistake to spend the majority of the day reading my journals and have decided this time is done and my days will bring other things.

One thing I will take from this is I am so much freer from my own self than I’ve ever been. I don’t always win every battle against my hypomania and depression but I am winning the war.

And now back to today, I got up and went for a walk and this is a small victory. It is often difficult to focus on the here and the now, but I’m told this is the healthiest for the mind and body. My walk has set up the day to focus on things I know to do, as there is always something that must be done, and put my full self into it.

I do want to post some pictures of my walk. They aren’t anything exciting or new but it is proof to myself that I actually did go for the walk:

Accidental shot

Thank you for reading, my friends. I hope you have compassion on your former selves. We are all growing older and hopefully wiser.

~Quixie

5 thoughts on “Reflection

  1. My old blog, which documented my last grasp at faith and then my deconversion, was discovered by my family and that was the main reason I deleted it. However, I also deleted it because it was nothing but a record of terrible pain and crushing loss. Better to leave nothing behind than have all that misery left in the ether after I’m gone.

    I fully support getting rid of the journals that remind you of your pain, and getting rid of the weight. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m wondering if it would be beneficial to catalog some of the prayers and write a post about it. Though, that would require my going through the journals again, so maybe not.

      I’ll need to figure out what to do about my journals. I think I may need to invest in a shredder.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’d find a post like that very interesting Q, but not if it causes harm for you to re-vist that time.
        I’ve been reading through my old diaries and picking out the times where I “spoke to God”..and wrote about the turmoilI felt when I was beginning to question my faith. Computers weren’t a thing yet, so it’s on paper.

        But it’s giving me some fascinating insight into how I thought, the dysfunctionality
        (is that an actual word lol)…of my faith, and how far I’ve come.

        As I deconverted around 25 yrs ago, perhaps enough time has passed for me to feel less emotional pain over it though.

        Liked by 2 people

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.