Don’t mind me, just ramblin’

Hey there! I didn’t write yesterday, which was a change from the 2x a day I had been writing there for a while. Yesterday I was busy sleeping in, and then busy with a BBQ at my in-laws’ house.

It occurred to me while I was shoving my face full of veggies that I hardly ever contribute to conversations in their home, in fact I contributed less than 5% towards the conversation and no one seemed to notice. I realized this is likely because I’ve kept my mouth shut for several years out of fear of conflict.

And of course this makes me think about how much of a coward I am.

Yesterday they were talking politics. I think they intentionally try to avoid religion for my sake, at least, but politics are fair game apparently. While they dislike Trump as a person, they are sympathetic to his policies. I wasn’t sure whether or not to be amused when Granny (my children’s great grandma who is 93 years old) told us she recently renewed her passport because she was afraid the communists might take over the U.S.

I wonder how much my opinion displays itself on my face. Sometimes I wish someone would ask me my opinion. I like to think people with at least an ounce of reason can be persuaded away from extreme ideas. Maybe that’s naive.

In any case, I had a headache when the evening was through and so went to bed early and woke up 13 hours later. THIRTEEN hours.

I awoke to muscle pain in my chest and neck and an ear ache. Oh no, I think I’m sick. I’ve also been sneezing. Today so far I’ve eaten a massive amount of oranges and laid in bed with a warm water bottle across my neck and chest.

This is really nothing compared to how sick I can get, so I feel really like I’m being quite silly. I really should go shopping, though I’m not sure the public would appreciate my sneezing on them. But of course I’d be wearing a mask. But, eww, I’d be sneezing into my mask.

Before the pandemic I used to get sick a lot. I don’t know if this was because I needed to wash my hands more, would touch my face a lot, not eat well, or sleep enough (or all of the above) but I’d get sick often enough that other people would ask me why I was always getting sick. And it’s been so long since I’ve been sick. I can’t remember the last time I was sick. Until now.

I’m sure I’ll be better by tomorrow. It’s just a little cold.

As for today if I don’t go shopping what will I do? I’ve got laundry to do but that will only take up so much time. I’m currently reading Peyton Place by Grace Metalious, a book my mom’s been trying to get me to read for ages. It’s starting to thunder outside. Maybe today is a good day for laying in bed and reading.

What’s been on my mind a lot these last couple weeks has been obsession with my hair. I’ve been growing out my grey hair. It’s far beyond just streaks or just being a faded color. You can tell my natural color now is decidedly grey. Maybe it’ll end up looking good, maybe it won’t. I’m almost 40 and it’s okay if growing out my grey will make people think twice about my being in my 20s. I’m so vain I take pictures of my hair every day.

And also what I keep thinking about, especially these last couple days, is wanting to do the Keto diet again. Seven years ago I was able to get to a health weight within 4 months of doing Keto and it was amazing.

I realize that Keto in the long run won’t work for me, particularly because I like fruit and potatoes, but from my past experience I know I can get to a healthy weight in a comparatively brief period of time and I care more about being thin for a few months than I do about long term results. Yeah, I admit it.

Maybe I can just ease myself back into a less extreme diet this time.

My mind has been made up about it primarily because I’m fixated on having a goal that I can actually see progress on. And I feel gross physically. However, I have not yet started the diet. Primarily because food is such a comfort for me. Just as an example, thankfully at my in-laws during the political conversation there was a plate of veggies in front of me to chow down on instead of cookies. A million calories saved.

I have to decide when to start. I do not want to start today because I do not have the food I need. And I’m sick. But then tomorrow I will find a reason not to start tomorrow. It’s been like this for a couple weeks now.

Though eventually it’s going to happen. Whatever my mind is preoccupied with I tend to eventually follow through on.

As I’m thinking about all this I’m wondering what my therapist might have told me about my week had she not been on vacation on Friday. And I wonder what will come up this week when I’ll talk to her about my last two weeks this Friday.

She’s a good therapist in that she’s professional, respectful, compassionate and knows her therapy modality (DBT and ACT). However, I think the reason why therapy with her works mostly is because she knows me. She’s been my therapist for 5 years. I talk most of our sessions and at the end she tells me what therapy technique to focus on and sometimes she reminds me of things that are important to me. Helps cut out some of the noise.

And now I’m going to take another tangent to share that my mom bought me a printer and it just arrived. It can print wirelessly, scan, copy, and fax. Man, this thing is awesome. It’s like a brand new toy. It’ll come in handy for my kid’s school.

Speaking of school, I have no idea how it’s going. Their dad is moderately involved but the kids mostly keep to themselves and don’t need much help. Sure they are 12 and 14 and are quite independent but I need to know what the heck they are doing. I’ve always been very involved. So when I get home from work I’ll make them show me what they did during the day. I’m sure that’ll annoy them, but I really need to know they aren’t on Tik Tok all day.

This is how my mind works, friends, it just jumps around.

In addition to the pandemic, I’m thinking specifically about the two hurricanes headed to the Gulf. I hope they end up being non-events.

I started this post at the beginning of the day and now after a day of rest I’m feeling a lot better. Only a mild ear ache.

And now I think I’m going to go read some WordPress posts. See what you all are up to.

Be good. Or not. Whatever you’re in the mood for.

Til next time, friends.

~Quixie

10 thoughts on “Don’t mind me, just ramblin’

  1. Dunno if this will help but years ago I went from rarely catching a cold to catching everything. Every last thing! It lasted for a few years. A doc said that it was because I hadn’t been sick for so long… my body was kinda playing catchup because I had no immunity to new stains of things. I dunno if it can work like that but it made me feel better!

    Yay for the printer!

    Double yay for the good therapist! I have never found one that didn’t make me want to slap them for being naive, stupid, or useless!! I got joy from manipulating my last long term (mandatory for stress disability) therapist. Gawd, she was dumb!

    I forgot what else I had to say so… yay for the good things!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I can see that. My getting sick a lot could be that I isolated myself too long in my house without exposure to anything to build up immunity. I wonder if everyone is going to start getting sick a lot once the virus is over.

      Good therapists really are hard to find. I lucked out!

      Like

  2. There might be a way to slightly reframe your tendency toward silence: see it as your super power and not your weakness. For the last few years I’ve been using silence as a way to remind myself not to give a fuck what other people say or think….you don’t have to convince anyone of anything nor to you need to justify yourself to anyone. Silence can be a way to fight back in a way that uses less energy, because in most instances a confrontation won’t solve nothing anyway. Save your words for the things that really matter to you and only use them on people who will actually listen.

    Some people might view your silence as being “shut down,” but that’s not what it is if you actively work on not caring what other people think or how they judge you. It’s useful skill when you don’t fit the mold of your family or community. It’s what I’m working on at the moment. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think my problem with my silence is that I feel like I’m not living authentically. Without saying what I think it’s like I’m agreeing with them. If they knew my opinions on things I worry they’d not care about me anymore, and they are one of my biggest support systems in place at the moment so I suppose that’s good enough justification. Anyway, thank you for helping me judge myself a little less.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is a tough one for me, too. When I came out as an unbeliever to my wife and kids, I made them a promise that I was not going to try to talk them out of their beliefs; that I loved them and they were more important to me than my beliefs were. Like you, I have mostly stayed silent for the sake of “keeping the peace”. I think the hardest part about it is not feeling known by the people I love the most. I know their beliefs (because I used to hold them, and I’ve read a lot about them, and I still listen when they talk about them), but they haven’t asked me to explain mine. And I know they have a lot of misconceptions, because of what most Christians think non-Christians believe.

        It did occur to me the other day, and brought me a little bit of comfort: I’ve made them feel safe expressing their beliefs with me in earshot. We probably all know that one relative or acquaintance that you don’t dare express your contrary beliefs, because they will fly off the handle, argue loudly and angrily, and in some cases even become abusive or threatening. I don’t want to be the kind of person that people have to tiptoe around, and they clearly know that I’m not that guy. It’s a bit of a compliment.

        But I take the most comfort in what you said, Violet: I am comfortable with my beliefs. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Yeah, it sucks to be misunderstood, but in the end, what does it really matter? Why should I give a shit? And as time goes by, as the “Nones” and “Dones” grow and it becomes easier to speak publicly, I am seeing more and more people coming around to beliefs that I can silently say “YES, EXACTLY!” to… even if it isn’t out loud to my nearest and dearest.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Oh Brent 😦 . While I’m happy my words helped you, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of hurt when you talked about how people in your life don’t know you. That is my situation as well…other people feel very free to express themselves around me, but I never get to express myself around them (nor would they ever ask me to). This makes me feel like I’m living in a cage. Yet at least least we were able to “come out” with our deconversion in the first place. I know several deconverts online who still have to pretend to be christian for various reasons, and I don’t know how I’d survive the stress of hiding that much.

          Like you, I hope there will come a time when our situation changes. I can’t say I’m too optimistic it’ll happen in my lifetime though (I’m 47)…the “nones/dones” will likely take a long time before they reach majority. Many hugs to you.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thank you Violet… that is so much appreciated! ❤ Forums like this are one place I can be known, so thank you also, Quixie, for letting us share your space! I’m 53.

            Yeah, on the issue of coming out — it actually took me 3-4 years, between the time I knew I wasn’t a Christian any more, and when I told them. I knew it was going to be devastating to them, and I worried a little bit that my marriage might not survive; I was stuck in between. I spent those years looking for a couple like us (not casual Christians for whom it was easier, but committed evangelicals) who made it work, and back then I found precious few success stories. Coming out was hard, but fortunately not as bad as I feared. I think things are about as good as they could be, given the circumstances. Living in a cage… yeah, there are moments I can definitely relate to that.

            Ultimately it became an integrity issue. I considered just keeping my mouth shut for the rest of my life, but in the end, I knew I couldn’t live that way. As you say, my loved ones may not know the specifics of my beliefs, but at least they know I’m not a Christian, and that’s significant; being in the closet would be even harder.

            Liked by 2 people

      2. I agree that feeling *forced” into silence is not ok at all. People who know me already know I’m an atheist and voted for Bernie in the primaries, so further discussions/fights about those topics are futile for me.

        If you’ve never felt you could speak your true heart, that is a different matter entirely. Living authentically is very, very important…however if your support system will cut you off if they find out how really feel, that is something that takes consideration. I choose to let go of my support system and live authentically, but the price I’ve paid has been high, and that choice isn’t for everyone.

        Hiding your true self is a terrible way to live and I’m sorry you have to suffer it…I hope at some point you will be able to be your real self. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m not sure my support system would totally cut me off, but things would become remarkedly more difficult and I have enough on my plate as it is at the moment. But one day I hope to be surrounded mostly by people who I can be totally myself around.

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.