Hey there! I didn’t write yesterday, which was a change from the 2x a day I had been writing there for a while. Yesterday I was busy sleeping in, and then busy with a BBQ at my in-laws’ house.
It occurred to me while I was shoving my face full of veggies that I hardly ever contribute to conversations in their home, in fact I contributed less than 5% towards the conversation and no one seemed to notice. I realized this is likely because I’ve kept my mouth shut for several years out of fear of conflict.
And of course this makes me think about how much of a coward I am.
Yesterday they were talking politics. I think they intentionally try to avoid religion for my sake, at least, but politics are fair game apparently. While they dislike Trump as a person, they are sympathetic to his policies. I wasn’t sure whether or not to be amused when Granny (my children’s great grandma who is 93 years old) told us she recently renewed her passport because she was afraid the communists might take over the U.S.
I wonder how much my opinion displays itself on my face. Sometimes I wish someone would ask me my opinion. I like to think people with at least an ounce of reason can be persuaded away from extreme ideas. Maybe that’s naive.
In any case, I had a headache when the evening was through and so went to bed early and woke up 13 hours later. THIRTEEN hours.
I awoke to muscle pain in my chest and neck and an ear ache. Oh no, I think I’m sick. I’ve also been sneezing. Today so far I’ve eaten a massive amount of oranges and laid in bed with a warm water bottle across my neck and chest.
This is really nothing compared to how sick I can get, so I feel really like I’m being quite silly. I really should go shopping, though I’m not sure the public would appreciate my sneezing on them. But of course I’d be wearing a mask. But, eww, I’d be sneezing into my mask.
Before the pandemic I used to get sick a lot. I don’t know if this was because I needed to wash my hands more, would touch my face a lot, not eat well, or sleep enough (or all of the above) but I’d get sick often enough that other people would ask me why I was always getting sick. And it’s been so long since I’ve been sick. I can’t remember the last time I was sick. Until now.
I’m sure I’ll be better by tomorrow. It’s just a little cold.
As for today if I don’t go shopping what will I do? I’ve got laundry to do but that will only take up so much time. I’m currently reading Peyton Place by Grace Metalious, a book my mom’s been trying to get me to read for ages. It’s starting to thunder outside. Maybe today is a good day for laying in bed and reading.
What’s been on my mind a lot these last couple weeks has been obsession with my hair. I’ve been growing out my grey hair. It’s far beyond just streaks or just being a faded color. You can tell my natural color now is decidedly grey. Maybe it’ll end up looking good, maybe it won’t. I’m almost 40 and it’s okay if growing out my grey will make people think twice about my being in my 20s. I’m so vain I take pictures of my hair every day.
And also what I keep thinking about, especially these last couple days, is wanting to do the Keto diet again. Seven years ago I was able to get to a health weight within 4 months of doing Keto and it was amazing.
I realize that Keto in the long run won’t work for me, particularly because I like fruit and potatoes, but from my past experience I know I can get to a healthy weight in a comparatively brief period of time and I care more about being thin for a few months than I do about long term results. Yeah, I admit it.
Maybe I can just ease myself back into a less extreme diet this time.
My mind has been made up about it primarily because I’m fixated on having a goal that I can actually see progress on. And I feel gross physically. However, I have not yet started the diet. Primarily because food is such a comfort for me. Just as an example, thankfully at my in-laws during the political conversation there was a plate of veggies in front of me to chow down on instead of cookies. A million calories saved.
I have to decide when to start. I do not want to start today because I do not have the food I need. And I’m sick. But then tomorrow I will find a reason not to start tomorrow. It’s been like this for a couple weeks now.
Though eventually it’s going to happen. Whatever my mind is preoccupied with I tend to eventually follow through on.
As I’m thinking about all this I’m wondering what my therapist might have told me about my week had she not been on vacation on Friday. And I wonder what will come up this week when I’ll talk to her about my last two weeks this Friday.
She’s a good therapist in that she’s professional, respectful, compassionate and knows her therapy modality (DBT and ACT). However, I think the reason why therapy with her works mostly is because she knows me. She’s been my therapist for 5 years. I talk most of our sessions and at the end she tells me what therapy technique to focus on and sometimes she reminds me of things that are important to me. Helps cut out some of the noise.
And now I’m going to take another tangent to share that my mom bought me a printer and it just arrived. It can print wirelessly, scan, copy, and fax. Man, this thing is awesome. It’s like a brand new toy. It’ll come in handy for my kid’s school.
Speaking of school, I have no idea how it’s going. Their dad is moderately involved but the kids mostly keep to themselves and don’t need much help. Sure they are 12 and 14 and are quite independent but I need to know what the heck they are doing. I’ve always been very involved. So when I get home from work I’ll make them show me what they did during the day. I’m sure that’ll annoy them, but I really need to know they aren’t on Tik Tok all day.
This is how my mind works, friends, it just jumps around.
In addition to the pandemic, I’m thinking specifically about the two hurricanes headed to the Gulf. I hope they end up being non-events.
I started this post at the beginning of the day and now after a day of rest I’m feeling a lot better. Only a mild ear ache.
And now I think I’m going to go read some WordPress posts. See what you all are up to.
Be good. Or not. Whatever you’re in the mood for.
Til next time, friends.