In the thick of it

On the plus side (let’s start with that), things are actually going ok at work despite my having a lot more responsibility and having to do tasks in a different way.

I’ve called my supervisor and had her review my work for the new funding for our clients. The funding is coming from the federal CARES Act and, like all government paperwork, is a bitch. I might be starting to understand it. Maybe.

I’ve found that my supervisor seems to like my asking “stupid” questions. Maybe she likes that I’m engaged and communicative. The great news is that now that I’m coming to her more instead of my coworker we are building a rapport.

And also I’m spending more time chatting with my only other coworker who spends most her time working in the pantry. When she’s not packing and delivering food she’s in the office chatting with me.

I still find my coworker being on vacation stressful but today work is a nice distraction from home.

Things with my daughter are not…great.

You’ve got an explosive mix of teenage girlhood, social isolation, mental illness, and the dark side of the internet going on.

Her dad and I have spent several hours talking with her therapist over the past couple weeks and have agonized on how best to help her. We are taking away her phone again, which my daughter says is her only coping mechanism.

She tells me the more I talk the less she trusts me, I don’t try to make things better, I don’t listen, nothing she could ever say would make me understand, I don’t want to hear what she has to say, we are more a mess than a family and our “environment” is what’s making her depressed, isolated and secretive. She says she wants to trust me again because she misses me and the last couple days I’ve hardly slept because of all this.

I forgot to add that my daughter is significantly smarter than me and also manipulative.

Anyway, I dropped her off at her grandparents this morning because she seems to do better there psychologically. She has a psych/med eval on Monday. I don’t know how long she’ll stay at her grandparents. Could be 1 day, could be months.

I just know I’m worn and I feel like a complete failure as a parent and I know that most parents feel this way at some point, if not often, so it’s not unusual.

Regardless of what my daughter thinks of me, I just want her to have a happy and healthy life.

2 thoughts on “In the thick of it

  1. I think it’s great that you’re trying to help. Also that you’re letting her get away to the grandparent’s house. A change of pace sounds like a good plan.

    I felt many of the same things when I was a teen but didn’t dare say them out loud. Not that anyone asked. I was in serious clinical depression but my parents completely ignored it as simple teen angst. But that was my family’s MO… ignore everything. Which is part of why we haven’t spoken in roughly 30yrs (and never will).

    Soooo… at least you are trying. Even if things are rough now, your daughter will know that you cared!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so sorry, Quixie. That is such a heavy load. It sounds like she is in a lot of pain; I know when my daughter went through dark seasons she was so desperate to numb it somehow. The words and emotions would pour forth, not always making sense or lining up with reality. Often if she could get beyond it, she would admit that she wasn’t being fair or balanced in the moment, it was just that storm of desperate heartache that overtook her.

    Kudos for having the courage to take her phone away; we did that too and endured the anger, and it’s not fun. But you have to do what you think is right. She may or may not be smarter than you, but she’s not more experienced, and she doesn’t bear the responsibility of a parent guarding their child’s safety and well being.

    If nothing else, you can tell her often that you love her, and that you know it’s hard, and that you’re always willing to listen. She may not hear it in the moment, but it will sink in over time. You’ll become a safe place she can always return to. I think it’s a positive sign that she said she misses you!

    Like

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.