On my 40th birthday

Hi friends! This one is a long post. I haven’t been able to blog. I’m just so stressed out, at all times. Primarily by what’s happening at home. Last night my son and I spent the night at my in-laws’ (along with my daughter who has been living there).

We’ve still got rats in our home and have caught 3. The night before was the first time I saw one alive, scurrying around our house and I think I just lost it. What I mean, is that I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stay at home. It’s really had an impact on my psychological health. For example, if I hear any noises in my car (like a water bottle stuck under the passenger seat in the car slushing around ) or someone walking in the next office over at work I’ll jump because I’ll automatically think it’s a rodent/creature. And I’ve woken up several times at night thinking someone’s knocking on my door or hearing someone calling my name when no one is there.

On top of that, our A/C had been out (was just fixed last night) for a week and it was unbearably warm and sticky. It being hot in the middle of October is unfair. It’s fall already, damn it! It’s taking the property management company a long time to help. We’ve put in several written requests. Sigh. I wish we could afford to buy but we are so financially strapped we can’t save up $.

Anyway, this is not what I intended writing about, however it came out and I’m going to keep it here. I’m at the public library, masked, social distanced, and thoroughly hand sanitized. I just dropped my children off at their perspective schools. Yesterday was the first day in person and they are both doing Monday/Tuesday in school, the rest of the days virtual.

Yesterday I had a good cry. I always have a good cry whenever my children start school for the year. I don’t know why the emotions and tears well up. There is something about the growing independence and knowing they are in someone else’s care. I feel that way about my daughter staying at my in-laws’ too. If you have kids do you cry when school starts or ends for the year? Maybe it’s just me.

Regarding my birthday, I wished to go to the library to blog. Get away from my house and all the weird noises and stress. So I’m here. I’m going to be going to the bookstore and pick up a book. Of course, I could do that now as well since I’m at the library…for free. Which I may do as well. Maybe I will. There is something about buying a new book, though, that gives me a little thrill. It makes me happy.

Then after that I’m going to get my hair done. I haven’t seen my stylist in…6 months? A year? Well, it’s been a while. She’s got her own studio now. Very proud of her. I only have a couple hours after I get there where I have to leave and pick up my kids. My daughter goes to school in a different district so we have to pick her up as they don’t bus to our house.

As far as my birthday goes, turning 40 isn’t as big of a deal as I thought. In fact, I feel as if I’ve reached a life experience milestone, as if I’ve leveled up! My thirtieth birthday was a much bigger deal. Likely because I had all these expectations on it. This last decade has been the hardest so far. What I hope for this decade (40-50 years old) is lots of positive changes. Of course, this means I need to work for them. I’m also hoping for happy surprises. Life has been too hard.

I’ve been watching the show Evil on Netflix. The premise is an atheist psychologist is asked to work for the Catholic church along side a priest-in-training to investigate the supernatural (demonic possession and miracles). What the show is trying to portray (I think) is there are are psychological factors and natural explanations that are often not considered in lieu of superstition, but that the supernatural does occur.

Particularly, after the atheist starts working for the Church she starts have sleep paralysis and sees a demon come into her home during sleep and torment her and cut off her fingers and threaten to kill her four girls. She smartly writes a sign above her head so when she’s asleep she knows she’s dreaming because as a psychologist she knows in a dream you can’t read writing. (I’m not sure whether this is true or not).

Micheal Emerson, Ben from Lost, plays a psychopath. From the supernatural perspective he’s a demon. He’s also a psychologist in the show and the thought of a psychopathic psychologist scares the shit out of me (demons don’t because I don’t believe in them). I don’t like the term “evil” but psychopaths can certainly be “evil.” They have no compunction about doing whatever it takes to get what they want and have no empathy.

I am a skeptic and don’t see evidence of the supernatural, though I do realize there are some things we can’t explain. The atheist in the show raises some very good questions about the pedophilia in the Catholic church, natural explanations for the supernatural, why God always works in “mysterious ways” and why God allows evil. The priest-in-training provides answers which are unsatisfying to me.

The two main actors are H-O-T. Especially the priest-in-training. He plays Luke Cage in the Marvel series. Very easy on the eyes. I’ll forgive him that he’s religious. Lol.

On Netflix there is a channel I like from the Behavioral Panel. I don’t think body language can indicate what someone is really thinking about, however if you know someone’s baseline you can tell if something is off, and in general, even if you don’t know someone well you can tell if they are being deceptive. Give it a look:

I’ve been listening to a variety of music, as usual. My favorite to sing to is Long Song by Sara Bareilles because it’s in my vocal range. I didn’t initially like the song because I thought it was yet another song about an ex, then I learned it was written to her record label and now I listen to it every day and sing along.

“It was actually written for my record label. I had been turning in new music. I was getting the red light. I couldn’t go into the studio yet because they were waiting for something. Nobody said what they were waiting for. So I kept turning in new songs, thinking like, ‘Is this what you want? Is this what you want?’ And it was always a big thumbs down, and I ended up writing ‘Love Song’ out of frustration.” In 2014, she stated it was “very tongue in cheek” and “nasty in a passive-aggressive way,” confirming it was a response to the record label pressuring her to make safe, “radio friendly” songs. – Wikipedia

I’m not currently reading anything, but yeah – I hope to change that now that I’m at the library and going to the bookstore.

This is my 4th day off of work. I was allowed to take the time off – PAID – because I FINALLY passed my probation. I got a glowing review. Let me transcribe it here:

[Quixie] has a pleasant attitude when spoken with and has been very dedicated to learning the position duties the last three months. She comes in every day with a pleasant attitude. She is very easy to work with, and I look forward to continuing to work with her in the future…

[Quixie] has professional work ethics. She double checks her work and if she is not sure on something, she will ask questions to make sure the entry for the client is correct. She does not hesitate to call her supervisor or ask the assistant program manager anything she needs to know to do her job well…

[Quixie] comes in on time every day and leaves at the appropriate time. She shows empathy and compassion for the client she serves. She calls and asks for assistance with clients that need additional assistance…

In the 90 days [Quixie] has been with [name of company] she has become very knowledgeable with the job. I believe with my continued supervision she is capable of running the office when the Program Manager is absent.”

Well, shucks.

What else? I burned the back of my hand pretty badly on the burner when I was cleaning it out and it was still hot. I wasn’t thinking. It’s going to leave a nasty scar, I think. Scars can be cool, though. I also slammed my pinky finger in the door, ironically trying to shut it quietly. Yowch. And I’ve got lots of mosquito bites on my legs. Am I complaining? Yes, sorry. I’m just typing out my thoughts randomly. Bare with me. Or stop reading. That’s fine too.

What else?

I know there was a ton I wanted to write about, but now I can’t think of it. Oh, I do want to write about the last decade of my life. And I do want to catch up on reading your posts. So if you see comments for your old posts, that’s why. I’m just catching up.

Thanks for reading, friends.

~Q

13 thoughts on “On my 40th birthday

  1. So what book did you buy at the bookstore? The book that has me the most excited right now is “Solutions and Other Problems” by Allie Brosh (of Hyperbole and a Half). It’s been seven years since she’s released a book and it was worth the wait.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I picked up a copy of Jane Eyre on sale for $6. It’s a book I have read and know I like. I just felt really reticent about buying a book for $20 if there is a possibility it might suck.

      I wish I would have read your comment before I went shopping, as I wouldn’t mind spending $ on an Allie Brosh book. Last year I bought Hyperbole and a Half and it helped alleviate some of my depression. Looks like I’ll be making an Amazon order soon!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Have a great birthday Quix…I think you deserve that new book, especially with that great job review!

    I’m the only mom I know who doesn’t cry when their kid starts a new school year, as I don’t seem capable of nostalgia for the past or hope for the future. People think it makes we weird…but I have may reasons for staying in the here and now (youth stolen by severe illness, future will contain even more physical suffering). I happen to be of the mind that today alone is enough to think about. I suppose that sounds negative, but there are many positive aspects to this manner of thinking as well. I guess you could say the skill of “mindfulness” comes natural to me.

    I hope they get your vermin situation under control soon…I don’t think it’s unusual at all to be extremely stressed about sharing your living space with such creatures. Let’s hope your landlord will stay committed to getting it handled.

    Much love and many hugs! ❤ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love and hugs back! And thanks again for your memes, always appreciated.

      It’s great that you are able to stay in the moment/be mindful. That’s a skill everyone can use! I tend to feel the emotion of nostalgia very strongly even if it isn’t connected with any particular memories.

      Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.