Day 18: A nervous wreck

So, I made it to the end of the day. Tomorrow is possibly gotcha-Lucy day. I’m taking her to the vet and I hope to take her home. I’ve got all of the essentials. I’m doubtful she’ll play with the toys. I’m going to keep my cardboard boxes in case she wants to sit in them. I feel like cats are like kids in that way.

At 9am we met with my daughter’s psychiatrist for a virtual meeting. Her psychiatrist did a dissociative survey on her (or started one) because my daughter keeps throwing the word dissociating around. She’s been mentioning that for years, figure it’s about time to be evaluated. The survey will continue next time. She’ll stay on her same meds.

I was expecting a call from the washer and dryer place because they said they’d call between 9-10am. At 10 I started pacing. I couldn’t stop my anxiety. At 11 I asked my kids to turn off their show. Loud noises was making it worse. It worked, my anxiety dialed down, but it was still there. At noon I called the place and they said another 30 minutes. It ended up being an hour. I still felt so much pent up anxiety that I went out on the patio and started wiping down the chairs, which are incredibly dirty. I need to clean them so I can paint them.

When the w&d was delivered I felt a bit better. There was no way I would have been okay to do the interview. No fucking way. So I’m even more glad I cancelled.

Then my microwave broke. Suddenly it wouldn’t close. So, oh shit, now I have to have maintenance in my apartment. Fortunately it took less than 5 minutes to get the place spotless. But they said I had to leave the apartment for them to fix it. Which is kind of an odd request. I almost wonder if they wanted to see how I’ve been keeping the apartment since I moved in. Anyway, I ended up having to take my kids out so we had a late lunch and then I dropped them off at their dad’s for a couple hours while I went to my psychiatrist appointment.

The psychiatrist appointment went well and I told him about anxiety. He was wearing these really awesome shoes and I told them they were really nice. He complimented my roller girl shirt and said some of the roller girls had been patients of his in the past. It was nice rapport. He prescribed me a medicine to take for anxiety as needed. I just got it filled at the pharmacy and I just took it. I hope it kicks in soon because I’m still anxious.

I then went to the pet store to buy some essentials for Lucy and also the dollar store to buy laundry detergent (now that I have a washer and dryer!)

My mother was hounding me down, asking about the interview and I had to be honest with her. I told her about my anxiety then she sends me 1,000 messages (hyperbole!) that are anxiety provoking. So I told her I needed to go wind down so that’s what I’m doing now.

I’m worried about how things will go tomorrow with the cat. I know it’s a potentially happy thing but it also makes me incredibly anxious. Then thinking about going to work on Wednesday makes me more anxious because the kids are alone in the apartment and they are alone with the cat and have never had a cat before. Sure, things’ll be fine but my mind is just going on.

I’m going to go measure my heart rate and see if my medicine has kicked in yet. Yes! it went down 32 bpm. Thirty-two! Awesome.

6 thoughts on “Day 18: A nervous wreck

  1. “But they said I had to leave the apartment for them to fix it. Which is kind of an odd request.”

    It might be a COVID restriction. Instead of trying to juggle asking people to mask up in their homes, or trying to check everybody’s vaccine status, they just ask you to be out while they are doing the repair. Simpler.

    Good luck with the cat! I hope you can catch her! (And since her ear is clipped, you know she’s already spayed, so you won’t have to worry about that.)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow… and I thought my anxiety got outta control! Then again, minus the day I had to beg for more xanax, I usually take a pill before I get too wound up.

    And now that I typed that, I realize I could use one now. I barely slept last night and am now in that awful mix of anxiety and exhaustion.

    The cat will be fine. Cat’s are like that. If it’s a,female getting fixed or vaccinated, she may not want to play the same day. Otherwise, toys = relaxing. Good luck!!

    Main prob only wanted you out as a covid precaution.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I slept 15hrs last night/today, no meds!! I just had an energy drink (at 4:30pm!) in hopes of staying awake to do my programming project. But it’s more likely that I’ll have an anxiety attack, be useless, and take something to knock myself out.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s so easy for things to spiral out of control in our minds! It sounds like you are struggling with anxiety and your mind is looking for something to attach it to. The cat, the apartment, the kids. Something must explain why I’m feeling this way! I’ve been there before, it’s not fun. I have a valium prescription for my anxiety which always helps me calm down and get my heart rate under control. Best of luck with all that’s on your plate. I’m sure you will come out on the other side 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you can relate. Thanks for the best wishes. Anxiety is still there, but admittedly I keep forgetting to take my pill. It’s “as needed.”


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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.