Day 78: This is just my brain, ya know.

It always happens when I drop my kids off at their dad’s: I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut with loneliness. I find ways to distract myself, of course, but if I’m without them for too long the lonely ache leads to soul-crushing depression. Their dad and I have decided to switch to every week hand-off instead of every other week. I’m sure that’ll help.

This last week was my week, and I have to admit I was a shit parent. Not that I did anything particularly shitty, I just wasn’t really “there.” I spent a good deal of the time at work, and when I wasn’t at work, I was often sleeping.

When my kids were younger I spent a lot of time sleeping during the day. It was a symptom of my chronic depression. It was such a feature that when my daughter was 7, and they were doing a project at school about their parents, my daughter said my favorite activity was “sleeping.” My daughter has since expressed how sad and lonely that made her feel.

Every other weekend I have one day where I sleep half the day away. It’s wasteful, but I also feel like I need it so that I can function. Maybe it’s not “wasteful” then. But typically these days I don’t take naps during the day. Except this last week.

Sure, it could be the fact I’ve been moving heavy bags around at work, but I think that’d just make me feel tired. There is something about…escape…that I’m looking for.

I feel very stressed, but I suppose that’s not new. I guess the one constant thing in my life this past 14 months has been my job and in a week I won’t have that any more and I think that…is stressing me out. Sure, it’s a good thing that I have a new, better paying, job with benefits but there are all sorts of new things to get used to that come with the new job.

I’m not sure how to describe how my brain thinks. Let me try:

I worry. I plan. In my head at least, as it’s not very effective. I’m not organized and I’m rarely prepared, but my brain responds hyperactively as if everything is a threat. I will give a run down of some of the worries that have been in my mind JUST TODAY:

-What if I can’t get into that in-person CPR skills test before my start date on the 30th? I won’t be able to start then and I’ll have to go without health insurance for even longer.

Oh my god, they will regret hiring me. (This is my biggest anxiety right now)

What if I can’t figure out how to buy my lunch? What if someone wants to sit with me?

What if the CPR teacher hates me because I couldn’t pick up the skills fast enough?

The doctor at the physical exam will lecture me about being fat.

What if I have to wear scrubs and they don’t fit right?

How am I going to navigate my way to the department I need to be in the hospital?

What if I hate the new position?

What if I’m late to my meetup tomorrow?

What if I don’t get the kids’ school supplies in time?

What if my kids miss their buses?

What if my daughter fails all her classes?

What if when my mom comes she’ll think my apartment is too plain?

She’s going to judge me for my kids’ nutritional habits and my son’s weight.

Next year when I take Lucy to the vet they are going to judge me because she weighs too much.

What if I’m a horrible cat mother?

My place looks like shit right now. I’m a shameful person.

I can’t sit outside because the neighbors might say hi.

My personal trainer is going to judge me for not going to the gym.

Okay, there is more but that’s enough worry for now!

The loneliness gut-punch has dissipated a little bit. Writing helps.

Social services called me today regarding my Medicaid application. I hadn’t applied, but my ex was trying to sign us up for health insurance through the Marketplace and as we are in two separate households, we cannot be on each other’s insurance (at least per the website’s perimeters) Anyway, they wanted to ask me some questions to see if I qualify for Medicaid.

But, wait, Quix, won’t you have health insurance through the hospital job? Well, it’s not effective until October 1 and my COBRA insurance runs out end of this month, so that’s a month gap.

On it’s surface, I would qualify for Medicaid based on my current income. That’s before they took a look at my bank account. Your assets have to be under a certain amount. And my bank account would NOT meet the criteria and I really don’t want to commit Medicaid fraud.

I’ve got quite a lot of $ in my bank account. I mean, for me. Even with my new job, I don’t make enough to afford a 3 bedroom apartment on my own. But, I can do it with what I’ve got in my bank account.

I might be able to make it through to when I can go back to school for occupational therapy. The new job pays tuition reimbursement. Enough to cover entire tuition and books for a degree. So I’m hoping at some point I can go to school during the day, work at night, but I likely can’t do that while I still have kids in the home (especially with my special needs daughter).

So I’m hoping to stay at the hospital and maybe in 3-5 years when my kids are grown/nearly grown I can go to school during the day and work at night. So maybe in about 7 years I won’t be so fucking poor.

And here is where I know some people might say, “What about alimony? What about child support?” and all I can say is that’s not a feasible option. I’m hoping when my kids are grown they will either move out or get full-time jobs and help me with the expenses.

I’m thinking waaaay ahead, but that’s good, right?

I got distracted by trying to log into my student account, but, alas, I failed.

And then I checked my Meetup groups. Because I didn’t pay my dues to the “Ladies meeting friends” my RSVP for Wednesday’s dinner was cancelled and now I’m on the waitlist. I’m also on the waitlist for this month’s bookclub group (which I’ve previously discussed). It’s really stressful checking to try to get into these meetings on time.

For example, I know that the bookclub meets on Thursdays once a month and the bookclub organizer creates the next month’s meetup between Friday and Sunday that week. Unfortunately for me I didn’t sign up til Sunday this last go around so I’m 4th on the waitlist. That means, out of the 10 attendees that are going at least 4 need to rsvp that they aren’t going in order for me to attend. This also means if I want to get into the next meeting I’ll have to keep checking meetup between Thursday night and Sunday to make sure I’m in one of those 10 slots (there are now 50 members).

People keep suggesting I make my own bookclub, but ya know I’m not that brave. Surely there are other bookclubs, people say. Well, I haven’t found any in my area. But, surely, there are. That is likely. I really liked the people in THIS book club, anyway.

At least I’m guaranteed a spot with the Freethinkers. Got a brunch tomorrow with those old folks. Sure, they are my parents’ age, but my parents are pretty great. Just can’t relate to them about many things, ya know, though I can pretty much get along with anyone and these people are great.

Just to wrap this up in a nice pretty bow I’ll just say about this post: This is just my brain, ya know?

One thought on “Day 78: This is just my brain, ya know.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.