Day 164: Still going

Sometimes things aren’t as busy at work and there is nothing to do but wait around for a therapist to ask me for help. In those times I try to do what I can to keep busy but it only passes so much time. I’m not supposed to read or do anything non-related to work (well, according to my mentor – she wants to justify their hire for a 3rd tech (me)).

So what I do is go up to the 1st floor and sit in a quiet nook and read on my personal cell phone. I’ve downloaded a book I’m reading for one of my book clubs. I’ve been doing this for the past two weeks since I started my new shift and no one has noticed (I typically spend about 2 hours reading at work a day total). If anyone did notice I would just tell them I’m taking a break from the crowded office but my work phone is turned up high if anyone calls or texts and I’ll be right on my way.

It’s true – the office gets crowded – and loud. And it really grates on my nerves. Plus, the therapists loudly laugh and joke around and I’m rarely included in conversations and that just makes me feel invisible. I don’t think I’ve experienced that since high school though I might just be blocking it out.

It feels that the therapists are part of a club that I’m not invited to. I get the feeling they think they are better than me. It’s hard to put my finger on what specifically they are doing to make me think this, but I don’t normally feel this way.

The good news is there are about 10 therapists out of the 50 that I get along with (not that we are close, they are just nice), about 5 that go to me specifically for my help over the other techs. I’ve heard others complain about these therapists because they are new or new graduates and I find that these newer employees tend to appreciate me more. I think I’m less intimidating and it makes me feel less pressure to know they are trying to figure things out as well.

Overall, I still strongly dislike my job. Hate? Mmm. Every morning I wake up wondering how I can get out of going to work but I go anyway. It’s not as bad as before, when I was with my mentor, but I hate several things about the job:

There is the noise, hearing people’s shoes click behind me in the hallway (people walking behind me in general puts my nerves in edge), the awkward conversations I have to make in the elevator 10x a day, my lower back aching from holding the patients up, getting into other’s space and touching them, wiping butts, being on call, all the walking, and of course the unfriendly therapists.

I have an interview on Tuesday for a community health worker, which seems better suited for my personality and interests. I wanted to apply for that position at the hospital but I can’t until I’ve been in my current position for 10 more months. I know I said in an earlier post I could make it 10 more months but that seems a very long period of time for the possibility of another job.

The interview is at a non-profit health clinic. Another possiblity, which however is unlikely, is to get a job as a vocational rehabilitation counselor. They have opened up the position to those with bachelor’s degree if they agree to get a master’s in Vocational Rehabilitation Counseling or Clinical Counseling. I’m totally up for going back to school if I have to though I’m worried the expense might not be worth it. If the State offers tuition reimbursement then I’m totally game.

So I’m going to apply but I doubt they’ll give me a call but I’ve reached out to my vocational rehabilitation counselor and job coach and let them know my intentions. It’ll be interesting to see their responses.

In other news, I took my kids to the county fair. My daughter had a breakdown and it has broken me a bit. I’m still recovering from this weekend. On the plus side, she talked to me about The Great Gatsby, which she’s reading for school and I reread the book from when I was in high school so I could talk with her about it. I told her that I didn’t like the book in high school but now think it’s fantastic but she seems to have lost interest in talking to me about it.

She’s worn me down. So has work. So I’m glad I still have my friends and my book club and Humanist group. I only hang out with my friends every few weeks but I usually have an event I go to once a week or week and a half and this has sustained me. Even so, I sleep a lot when I have free time because I want to escape my life.

My mom has been traveling so I haven’t been speaking with her every day after work and it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve talked to my therapist so it’s hard to decompress.

That’s it for now, friends. I hope to update you some more soon.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.