Day 172: Teetering on unwellness

I’m taking a break at work. This is the busiest day yet and the most I’ve walked at work. My feet are killing me so I’m hoping no one will need me to get up and do anything for a good 30 minutes.

I feel uneasy. For multiple reasons. I need to problem solve this so I don’t have a breakdown. So here I am.

First, let me analyze why I feel uneasy.

The primary reason is I sent a text to my friend and she hasn’t responded, which is unusual and I’m afraid I may have offended her.

I went to the Humanist dinner last night. My friend wasn’t there because she has to work out of state this week and my time at the dinner alone was a little uncomfortable. One reason was because I was invited to a Unitarian Universalist church. Being invited to a church was very triggering. I clamped up. Another was that the conversation was stale on my part. I simply wasn’t engaging.

The reason being is that the people in the Humanist group are 65+ and are wealthy, retired, and have many stories of world travel. Which, generally I find interesting but after being invited to the UU church I just felt even more disconnected.

So I guess that’s one reason I get unsettled but it’s my text to my friend after and her lack of response that is really doing it. She’s 10 years older than me though I don’t consider her “old.” But maybe she thought I was referring to her when…

I texted something to the effect of, “Why does the Humanist group skew so old? And how can we get younger folks involved?” And then when she didn’t answer by the next morning I said, “Oh dear, I realize this might have come across as ageist. Even though I am hoping for some younger folks I do enjoy our Humanist friends and people of all ages.”

When she didn’t respond to that by the end of the day I got really worried. She is perhaps really busy or doesn’t know how to respond but I just really feel like maybe I fucked it up. Then again, if our friendship is so shallow it can’t survive that text maybe it’s not meant to be.

But she’s so freaking amazing I don’t want to lose her! Do I have abandonment fears? Oh yes I do! Deep rooted major fears.

Second (third, I guess) reason I’m uneasy is feeling like I’m failing in the parenting department. I can point to many reasons why that is but I don’t want to list them because I think that might make me feel worse.

Next, I’m making stupid mistakes at work. I accidentally broke some equipment, forgot to turn something off, had toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and things like that happen frequently. Mostly, I’ll forget something and have to backtrack. It’s embarrassing.

Also, job searching is really stressing me out. I feel really rejected and really unvalued. Meanwhile, I’m in a job where I found out today people value me — my mentor and coordinator and I had a meeting to assess how things were going and they’ve heard all good things. So that’s positive.

And the coordinator said, “I hope you stay with us for a very long time.” And I tried to stop my face from cringing (I’m thankful for masks!) But, yeah, rejected and unvalued from the job searching.

Though I really dislike having to clean up so much poop! Due to lack of CNAs I’m doing their job every day. Ugh.

Uneasy because I have to put together a desk and a chair that I ordered for my kids. The thought of going home makes me feel depressed for some reason. My daughter’s curtains are about to fall down because I didn’t secure them well enough and so is my coat hook. And I have drawers full of junk I have to organize and no food for my kids for tomorrow and have to go shopping.

I want to curl up and go to bed when I get home tonight but I don’t want to have to face tomorrow and if I go to sleep I’ll have to do this day over again without a break in between.

I’ve had a few good moments today but the last few days have been getting rougher for me. I really think it’s my job searching that’s doing it. I bombed my interview and also got rejected for a different job that I really wanted. Plus, my mom has been sorta fighting me about how I need to stay in my job for longevity.

I think I’m going to stop job searching for now because it’s become bad for my mental health. I still have like 10 jobs applications out there and we’ll see if anything comes of it.

Nov 30 will be 90 days at my job. That’s an accomplishment.

I need to remind myself of all the good. Right now my emotions of shame and ineptitude are like a dark cloud over my life. Things are going to be ok. I just need to be gentle with myself.

12 thoughts on “Day 172: Teetering on unwellness

  1. You are doing the best you can… moving forward in life… it will never be perfect and u can tell your so very caring. I get what you’re feelings are here. I often stress about the same things. Hugs for always trying.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sounds like you are trying to use more spoons each day than you have right now. So you’re exhausted before your day is over. If you back off from job hunting for now, will that make your situation more manageable?

    And I get the issue with a humanist group that is skewing older. Because you could probably use a group that includes some parents with kids of similar ages to yours, that would be more in tune with what you’re dealing with right now.

    I understand about UU. I often recommend it to people who have deconverted, but are missing church. It lets them keep all the parts that they liked about church without being told what to believe. Community support, potlucks, music, regular gatherings, interesting conversations, potlucks, charitable projects, and did I mention potlucks? My mom went UU and loves it. But if you are recovering from a bad religious experience, then they are not the place to be. They are too much like a traditional protestant church, at least my local one was. Go to a service, stand up and sing, sit down and listen to a reading, hear an anthem from the choir, listen to a sermon, the whole shebang. If someone who didn’t speak English went to a UU service, and one of my old Presbyterian services, I’m pretty sure they would not be able to tell the difference.

    I taught RE at my local UU for a few years, because there were some RE classes I wanted my Aspie daughter to take and so was going to be there anyway. And teaching RE was fun, but when they expected me to sit through a service, it was really uncomfortable and I hated it. Finding community is great, but having that community locked a church format is not always what people need.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. OMG, if any group invited me to any church that’d be it for me. I’m rather appalled to hear such a thing would happen at a Humanist group. I call myself a Humanist because “atheist” isn’t acceptable in my region of the US….but if people are thinking that Humanists are even a tiny bit religious (enough to want to attend a UU church) then I would reject that label.

    I run a group that has many meetups, and we also skewed slightly old at the beginning. I got some younger people in by starting to meet on saturdays instead of weeknights (so maybe look for that). I figure younger people are pretty overwhelmed by parenting and working, so they’re just not as into groups as older people, but they can be found. Look and see if your city has a “social group” on FB (mine does). These are usually younger, single people which might be a better fit. The number one rule in my group (written down and presented when they join us on FB) is no talk of religion or politics…this has saved me, but the fact is every damn one of them is in the cult. When I started having vision problems I got a cascade of “I’ll pray for you” and “may god heal you.” They ALL know I’m a deconvert, but are still praying for me. I was gracious and said, “thank you for your kind thoughts,” but inside I’m irritated. I can’t help it…there’s no secular support to be had around here, ever.

    Life is a tough grind no doubt about it. All we can do is hang on for the ride…you’re doing a good job of it, even if it feels like you aren’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Some UU congregations are very Humanist, and there’s one in my area that’s largely atheist, so I would not automatically by annoyed at a Humanist group suggesting that someone try out UU. It’s more a matter of whether you find yourself comfortable in a church setting or not. And it’s often a good place to find other secular parents, since they have such a strong RE program.

      If I’m talking to someone who says “I’ve stopped believing, but I liked church, and miss having a church to go to” then I’ll usually recommend that they look into UU. (Or an Ethical Society, or Sunday Assembly, those are often good if they have a group in the area.)

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand a UU church is right for some people, but it’s not right for me (or Quixie, it seems). I would hope a humanist group would understand some atheists might have come that route via religious trauma….and they best be careful suggesting church to people. I know YOU would be sensitive to that issue Ubi, but clearly others are not. Those who would not consider how awful that suggestion would be are not the right friends for deconverts.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Yeah, I was under the impression that “Humanist” meant “atheist” and “agnostic” and hadn’t considered religious folks who consider themselves Humanists. I wish I had approached the conversation differently…I opened myself up to strangers and I think she considered me on some sort of spiritual journey. I should have said, “no thanks” to the invitation but I was just in a sort of shock. I simply said, “ok, good to know.” Thankfully, the other woman in the conversation is an atheist and talked about how she can’t go to church so that steered the conversation.

      Regarding getting younger folks in, there are some meetings on Saturdays. They tend to be brunch though, which does attract an older crowd. I think there needs to be more specific meetings on Humanist topics, which is why I’m glad that my friend started a zoom meeting where we discuss an article related to Humanist topics. The Humanist group has a Facebook page but there is a post where someone made a snarky comment about Millennials, which I found offensive even though I’m not technically a Millennial (close enough), so that doesn’t help. I have been thinking of maybe encouraging them to start a Twitter account but I’m not sure they’d trust me yet to post as I just joined the group.

      I’ve joined several other meetup groups so I am doing some exploring to find my community. I’ve been going to a bookclub with woman in their 20s-50s. Downside to that is expensive food and I don’t like the books they choose, but I do enjoy the women. And I joined another bookclub which is led by an atheist. Another group I just joined is a women’s social club with younger folks and I’ll be attending my first meeting next week. I also just joined a women’s beginning hiking club which is supposed to start in a couple weeks. So I’ve got opportunities to meet others but there is no where “safe” to avoid religious folks, unfortunately.

      Ugh, I really feel for you that you get prayers over your medical issues. I can only imagine how frustrating that is because if prayers worked you wouldn’t be suffering with it!

      Thanks for telling me I’m doing a good job. That’s really hard for me to accept and hold on to. Also, thanks for your thoughts. I always appreciate hearing your opinions — they are always equally “real” as they are encouraging!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Come to think of it, I’ve had several people ask me what religion I am when I say I’m a ‘secular humanist.’ I’m beginning to think that the label is not as clear as I hoped. I’d really just like to use the label ‘atheist’, cuz you know, that’s what I AM, but I’m likely to get tarred and feathered if I say it. I do tire of these endless religious conundrums.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. What answer I give to “what religion are you?” often depends on the situation, and how much of a follow-up conversation I’m willing to have based on my answer. If I’m talking to someone that I know is really pushy and preachy and I want to shut down the conversation, my answer will be that my religion is a private matter, and I don’t care to discuss it with anyone outside my immediate family. Sometimes I’ll go with “I’m not religious” in casual social situations. If I’m in a situation where I am up for the conversation, I might use “atheist” or “secular humanist”. And among close friends or family I might use “Pastafarian”, when I know they’ll get the joke.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. I generally stick with a very flat, “I’m not religious,” in a tone that suggests it’s not up for discussion (I’ve never met another atheist in real life, so there’s never anyone who would discuss religion in that context with me). Being so direct often gets me in trouble, but I don’t care…..people will know right where I stand right away, and I don’t have to dance around it.

            Using the humanist label is really becoming problematic because as you said, some believers call themselves humanists too. On my FB profile I call myself a ‘secular humanist’ in order to ward off the religious crazies right away, but it really doesn’t work because no one realizes I’m an actual atheist. I find it shameful that in 2021 I still can’t call myself an atheist. There is something seriously wrong with our society that you still can’t say what you are in certain regions of the US. sigh

            Liked by 2 people

  4. BTW, I’m 8 years older than you and would not have taken your comment as an ageist one. It’s only natural to want to hang out with people your own age so you can share some commonalities.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Violet. I’m wondering why my friend hasn’t texted me back yet. It’s unlike her. I get really insecure about these sorts of things, but it may not mean anything.

      Like

  5. “…the people in the Humanist group are 65+ and are wealthy, retired, and have many stories of world travel.”
    I would feel so diminished in that group! Yikes. I am 62, retired, poor, and would probably just feel jealous of everyone, haha.

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.