Yesterday rather than sleep my weekend day away like I normally do, I kept busy. I got up and went to my new favorite coffee shop. It’s about a 10-minute drive away and was unfortunately busy as I had woken up later than expected. I got a peppermint latte and avocado toast with a sunny-side-up egg, grape tomatoes, purple onions, and goat cheese. A combination that was surprisingly delicious.
I then drove to a sporting goods store and picked out a pair of hiking boots that I’ll be using for the new club I just joined (women’s beginner’s hiking club) and some socks. I then popped next door for some kitty litter and cat food. After that, I headed to my favorite thrift store and spent an hour trying on and buying clothes. Then I headed to Walmart and got some workout clothes and some tape to hem my new pants. After that I got my roots colored and hair trimmed by my favorite stylist. I then took myself out on a date to the movies and watched “The House of Gucci” (which was overacted and extremely long at over 3 hours). I got home and fell asleep to YouTube videos.
Today has only involved 2 hours of napping, so that’s a win. I’m now feeling very overwhelmed. I have a bunch of new clothes and I’m trying to sort through and get rid of the old ones. I also have a bunch of junk in my drawers (hardware, papers, my grandmother’s scarves) that I don’t know what to do with, but I need the space for my clothes (my clothes have lived in laundry baskets for weeks). I also need to hem my pants but I don’t feel motivated to do that. I’m feeling the weight of tomorrow’s approach.
It’s been 2 weeks since I notified my boss that I’m unhappy and I want to transfer to another position within the hospital. Normally a conversation like that would be my quitting and the two weeks notice would be up and the awkwardness would be gone now. But my early transfer request is still in process (it’s the holidays so everything is slower) and out of the 5 jobs I applied for in the hospital I immediately got turned down for 2. Which made my hopes sink and I feel the other jobs are unlikely to accept me as well…
I feel…as if it’s not going to work out. As if…the world is punishing me because…I don’t have worth…that I’m stupid and selfish for hating my job and wanting to leave. And how dare I have the balls to share this and ask for a change. And of course, I’m at lower-paying jobs that I hate…because I can’t handle a “real” job…No one thinks I’m worthy of one so I must not be…
These thoughts. Damn these thoughts. This is why I sleep my weekends away. I can’t bear the thoughts. I can’t bear the feeling stuck.
All this is slow. Getting my life where I want it to be. I’m still me: I still have bad habits; I still struggle with depression; I’m still mostly lazy af; I still wrestle with thoughts of low self-worth. And right now I feel like I’m being emotionally abused by thoughts that if I deserved a good job I’d be able to get one. But it’s more than that; it’s deep shame. I am deeply ashamed that I am less than others and I feel that they now see it.
Per monthly calendar, it’s been 6 months and 8 days since I moved out into my own apartment. Everyone says, “Six months already!”
Yes, damn it, 6 months! I’ve felt it.
I’m finishing this up 3 hours later and I’m in a much better mood. I have cleaned the living room and rearranged it for the 4th time and I feel significantly more positive about life.
I’m ready to see what this week brings.