There is a missing part of me that I’ve been afraid of acknowledging to myself. Worse, by acknowledging it on my blog, religious folks might think it’s an invitation to manipulate me back into the fold. Even worse than that, my atheist friends might feel betrayed and that I’m no longer one of them. The truth: I want some part of my old self back. What I mean, is that I want some of my spirituality back.
Up until the point where I totally lost my Christian faith 6 years ago, I fought tooth-n-nail with my mind to try to hold on to my belief.
It was devastating to lose it. I do not have words to express how excruciatingly painful and terrifying it was. But with the loss of my faith, I also lost most of my shame, dogma, judgment, cognitive dissonance. And I gained skepticism and rationality and humanism and true friends. And very shortly rather than exploring spirituality like many deconverts I quickly embraced my lack of belief.
Because…belief is scary. It’s irrational. People use it to manipulate others. People do horrible things when they lean into their beliefs. But not always.
I guess what I’m saying is I want some of the old me back. I feel split into 3 people:
- Pre-“saved” Before 16 years old
- Evangelical 16 – 35 years old
- Atheist 35 years +
I don’t want to say that I don’t want to be an atheist. There is nothing wrong with being an atheist. I am an atheist (in that I don’t believe in any gods). I just don’t want to be so hardened against the idea that there are some things that we don’t understand and one can be both a spiritual and rational person.
Tell me I’m fucking crazy.
Maybe my desire to weave myself into a whole person is overtaking some of my rational mind. Fortunately, my skepticism is here to stay.