There is a missing part of me that I’ve been afraid of acknowledging to myself. Worse, by acknowledging it on my blog, religious folks might think it’s an invitation to manipulate me back into the fold. Even worse than that, my atheist friends might feel betrayed and that I’m no longer one of them. The truth: I want some part of my old self back. What I mean, is that I want some of my spirituality back.

Up until the point where I totally lost my Christian faith 6 years ago, I fought tooth-n-nail with my mind to try to hold on to my belief.

It was devastating to lose it. I do not have words to express how excruciatingly painful and terrifying it was. But with the loss of my faith, I also lost most of my shame, dogma, judgment, cognitive dissonance. And I gained skepticism and rationality and humanism and true friends. And very shortly rather than exploring spirituality like many deconverts I quickly embraced my lack of belief.

Because…belief is scary. It’s irrational. People use it to manipulate others. People do horrible things when they lean into their beliefs. But not always.

I guess what I’m saying is I want some of the old me back. I feel split into 3 people:

  1. Pre-“saved” Before 16 years old
  2. Evangelical 16 – 35 years old
  3. Atheist 35 years +

I don’t want to say that I don’t want to be an atheist. There is nothing wrong with being an atheist. I am an atheist (in that I don’t believe in any gods). I just don’t want to be so hardened against the idea that there are some things that we don’t understand and one can be both a spiritual and rational person.

Tell me I’m fucking crazy.

Maybe my desire to weave myself into a whole person is overtaking some of my rational mind. Fortunately, my skepticism is here to stay.


6 thoughts on “Spirituality

  1. Can you define what you mean by “spirituality”? Because it’s a mushy word that has a ton of definitions, and working out exactly what you mean by that word might help figure out how to fill what you are missing.

    For me, the closest thing to something like that might be combining a sense of being part of a group with time spent in mental “flow”. I get that from singing with a chorus. (Concert yesterday went great!)

    I know some atheists really get a lot out of meditation or yoga. Some like the feeling of group togetherness that they get at a Sunday Assembly or UU congregation (you can find a UU near you at uua.org). Some still create and perform rituals that they find comforting. I’m not sure what sort of thing to recommend without being more clear on what you are looking to recapture.

    Liked by 4 people

        1. That’s fine, and not a lame replay at all. An honest reply. Churches throw that word around all the time, and tell you it’s super important to be “spiritual”, but never exactly explain what that means. Keep us posted on what you find as you explore the idea for yourself.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. To think that there is more than what meets the eye … that is just fact is it not? Through new discoveries we find there is more than us out there—more than what we thought before, and more to us.

    You’re not crazy.

    We place meaning on things as an intelligent species… but at the same time we are all connected; cause and effect. It’s more a matter of perspective, I think. All things in our individual search for meaning and purpose, and connection with heart.

    Liked by 2 people

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.