Day 206: Guilt for missing work, etc.

I’ve passed the 200 day mark in my apartment! I need to gather my friends and celebrate!

But first, I need to talk about the ethics of my not going into work today. See if you can help me sort out my moral failing.

See, my daughter has croup, but I didn’t know that until today. Earlier in the week she was experiencing some severe cold symptoms and I lied and told my boss she had strep just so I could get out of going in that day. I didn’t think they’d think her having a cold was a valid excuse. Then the next day I said she was getting worse (she was) and that I couldn’t come in.

See, I lied, for no good reason. Mostly because I wanted to be believed. I felt like I could still go into work and convince my ex husband to watch her. But, no, I wanted to watch her so I could get out of work. I get attendance points for being out regardless of whether I’m out one day or three (but on third day you need a doctor’s note, which I was able to get today).

Should I feel guilty? My daughter is legitimately sick. And while my parents probably would have left me home alone in the same condition at her age I feel iffy about doing so and so I’m at home. But mostly I think I’m at home because I don’t want to go to work.

So I do feel a little guilty. For lying. For staying at home when her dad could watch her.

I hate my job. I don’t want to be there. I feel a little bad that they are understaffed while I’m not there, but that will be the case when I get another job or transfer within the hospital. I’m not sure how I feel, but I have a feeling my caring makes me less of a bad person?

It keeps coming back to this…I don’t owe them anything. Sure, I signed paperwork saying I’d show up between 9 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. Monday through Friday and some weekend days, but I’ve got a legitimate reason to be out. I guess – and this is passive aggressive, I know – that I feel irritated, frustrated, despairing, that I asked to transfer positions nearly a month ago now and I’m still stuck at the same job. They could have said no, and I know it’s the holidays, but this is a long time to have your bosses and coworkers know you want to leave and be stuck working the same job. Had I just quit (which I know is a bad idea) I’d not have to deal with this anymore by now.

I didn’t get offered the position I interviewed for the other week at the outpatient clinic (they really were looking for a student), but I do have another interview: a customer service position with Progressive Insurance. I got turned down for the claims trainee position a few months ago which pays significantly more, but I still have a chance with customer service. It’d be a remote job and I’m not sure if that’d be good for me or not, but it pays more than I’m making now and has better benefits.

What else? I’m busy distracting myself with Netflix and books, as usual.

Regarding my last post about spirituality, I’m not in favor of, and am skeptical of any woo. At the same time I want to believe the supernatural exists. Want being the operative word. I’m never going to believe in the Christian god again, or any divine creator, but I want to be able to pray again and feel connected to the rest of the universe. I think that’s what I mean by “spiritual” but I’ll have to give it more thought. I do know I’m very harsh and judgmental towards myself and any desire for anything leaning in that direction. I need to cut that out.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.