Day 209: Blah

I totally skipped a week at work and I feel like shit for it.

I did send a doctor’s note for my daughter (she has croup) so I’m not going to get fired, BUT…

I hated being out as much as I hate being there (at work).

My hopelessness, lack of motivation and lack of energy is now at an all time high.

I’m at the library listening to The Friendly Atheist podcast with my earbuds in. Even so, I can hear a woman talking on the phone near me and it’s driving me bonkers because I have this social etiquette rule that says, “NO TALKING IN THE LIBRARY.” Argh.

Okay, she’s stopped talking so I can now concentrate.

I got out of the house today. Period. That’s all I wanted to accomplish. That was more ambitious than it could have been but I spent the majority of the last week in bed.

I just feel so blah…

And if I haven’t said this already, I got turned down for the job I interviewed for and the one for Progressive Insurance as well. I am going to apply to Geico just out of spite (take that Flo!)

Last night I hung out with a friend and her husband. I’m so glad I got out of the house, but today…

Well, last night I couldn’t sleep until 3am, despite my medicine. And I woke up at 11 feeling like crap. I’ve had really weird dreams.

My mom gave me a lecture about knowing what actions I should take to not spiral down.

Maybe I’m not spiraling down. Maybe this is just a break.

You all know how ambitious I am to have my new life great. Maybe I’m just tired.

And my kids were sick and that always throws me off.

Plus, I’ve waited a month to transfer to another job and – I know, I know – that doesn’t seem like a very long time but it’s felt like years.

I’ve skipped many social events this month and today’s book club got cancelled. I need to remind myself that going to these events helps prevent and alleviate my depression. So maybe just…start going again and not beat myself up for this rest period?

So, today was going to McDonalds, CVS to get ear buds so I could listen to music while blogging at the library. I’ve gotten out of the apartment. That’s today.

I’m worried about what happens next. There are still 7 or 8 hours til bed. I can only spend so much time at the library and my body for some reason won’t let me sleep more.

What else can I do?

I can clean (my car and my apartment are horribly messy -I even had to tell my friend last night she couldn’t ride with me because my car was too messy)…

I can read. The one book club was cancelled and I just bought the freakin book. I don’t enjoy it though it seems like a culturally important book so I can donate it to the library. But the other book I’m reading is fairly good. Maybe instead of reading in bed I can step it up and read on the couch or lounge chair just to stay out of my bed.

I know the things I should do, but I’m just not going to do them, therefore I only listed the things I reasonably feel I can do today.

Tuesday I go to a Christmas party. That’ll be fun. Get me away from work. There is a small part of me that missed work. It’ll be really awkward when I get back. Maybe I’ll get some good news about other departments that want to interview me. Doubtful but I can hope.

I hope you have a good weekend. I hope to write back tomorrow though to update on today’s progress. Don’t expect much.

4 thoughts on “Day 209: Blah

  1. I’m so proud of you for actually leaving the house! I totally feel you about your lack of energy and motivation and when this is at an all-time high, even sitting in the library blogging can be a huge win. I totally agree with you about no talking in the library, by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, and also this time of year… the aggressive expectations are sky-high to have a [insert colorful language of your choice] “happy holiday” so it’s easy to feel discouraged when there is a mismatch with reality. Feeling it, too, sister.

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.