I’ve been struggling. Been avoidant. My skin is breaking out. I’ve gotten fat. My moods are steady but I’ve not wanted to deal with reality. Been sleeping a lot. Reading a lot. Wasting time on Tik Tok (what even IS that app?)
My grandma, “Nanny” died on Tuesday. I was already on the threshold of not being able to cope with the recent stress at my job. That tipped me over. I do not yet feel the sadness of her loss. It has hit me very briefly and only 2 times. I mostly feel as if…things are out of sorts. I called out from work twice this week. That put me more behind at work. I faked being sick. That made me feel guilty. I wish I could have just said my grandma died I need a day off. What’s my deal?
Spoke with my therapist yesterday. She’s always trying to get me to have more compassion for myself. She asked me if I did the best I could this week. I couldn’t honestly say. She persuaded me that I had. And, as such, I should be more compassionate towards myself.
I’ve been avoiding social activities. I’m not depressed. This is…I suppose what this is seeing the end of this month, the big “D” day (divorce) and taking a pause. Wooooah, buddy. Hold on there, horsie. That’s terrifying. Paperwork, money, court, legalese, name change. Announcements.
“Hello, _ and I are now divorced and I have changed my name back to _” Oh the dread.
And then there is an expectation to “meet someone” local and date. Oh god, that’s terrifying.
And then this huge goal, that I’ve had for almost 7 years will be accomplished. And then I’ll have to focus on the next big goal, which I suppose will be to lose weight and become healthy. That’ll be a even bigger obstacle than getting a divorce, I suppose.
Yes, I am grieving, in my own way. And I am on pause. Because I know what’s coming at the end of the month is big. And also because it won’t be a done deal, it’ll be a couple months before I get my court-date and it’s finalized. But there is something very scary about even just turning in the paperwork.
My Nanny was suffering psychologically. She’s not suffering anymore. And I am relieved. And a part of me feels like she died many years before she actually did. BUT there was a spark of her somewhere in that brain, and that spark has gone out. Completely. There is now zero change of connecting with it (her) again.
And how do I feel about that? Well, it seems there is a great injustice.
I’ll reach 365 days on May 22, even though 1 year per calendar date in my apartment will be May 28. I may have miscounted. 🙂