8 Days until 1 Year in my apartment

Can you believe it? In only 8 days I’ll have lived in my apartment for 1 year!!!

The soonest I can file for divorce (when the court opens) will be May 31st. I have taken that day off and have set a date with my book club friends to celebrate downtown.

I have skated a couple of times with a new group I found through Facebook. My ankles burn as soon as I get on the skating rink. I might switch to rollerblades. I’ve gotten quite heavy and my ankles are weak so it’s going to take a while to build up the strength. Also, I think the skates I bought may not fit correctly.

I saw a doula friend from many, many years ago. Her son had a crush on my daughter in 5th grade (they are now ending 10th and go to different schools). When he found out that I was going skating with his parents he said, “Tell _(my daugther’s name)_ I said HI” and wants to hang out with her. I’ve yet to tell her and I doubt she wanted to hang out with him, which is sad to me because I also thought he’d make a good boyfriend. He’s good-looking, kind, funny, and very intelligent and I like his parents who are eccentric but interesting and very nice. How great would it be if my daughter had an in-person friend? Of course, it’s up to her.

I’m feeling depressed. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m still grieving the loss of my grandmother. Maybe it’s because my two good friends I haven’t hung out with in months. I’ve seen them in parties or groups of people, but it hasn’t worked out that we’ve spent time just the three of us. I even invited them over (which is HUGE for me to have people in my apartment, it makes me so anxious I want to die) but that hasn’t worked out.

I think that’s it…I’m craving real friendship. Like, people I can call and cry with and give me hugs. I had coffee with my one friend and shared about my daughter, and I shared with a group of women about my daughter, but I haven’t yet found people in person I feel really close to.

I suppose it’s only been a year, but a year feels like a long time. I do not know if I am just not finding the right people to connect with or if I am just really, really terrified of letting people in close. I’m deeply afraid of being rejected. I’ve hidden myself for more than a decade. So, yeah, probably.

Just now I was updating my resume because there is a job (which would be a promotion) in a different department I wanted to apply for. But I gave it 30 minutes thought and realized I really need to stay in my department for a while. I still feel uncomfortable because I don’t know the job, but I realize I’ve been there for less than 3 months and moving to a different department is going to just be me starting all over. I don’t know why I get so antsy. I think it’s because I’m at a place where I feel like I should know a lot more than I do and I get really confused. Today the team lead was frustrated with me because I didn’t know something she thought I should know. That’s what prompted me to look to see what other positions were available.

I think I don’t handle criticism well. But, also, I am feeling depressed. Not horribly so, but enough that my confidence is somewhat lacking and I’m having trouble with basic hygiene and cleaning. But when I go out I make myself presentable and I’ve been leaving the house a couple times a week even though I work from home. So I’m giving it my best effort.

Time to eat and then go back to work. I think I’m also a bit stressed because my daughter’s birthday is tomorrow, and my son’s in a week. She doesn’t want any celebration, which is difficult for me. I hate doing big things but I want her to also feel special. So I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t have any in-person friends to invite over and I find that very sad.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.