Thank you all for your encouraging words, about my looks, my hair, body positivity, kindness, etc. It has helped a little. And I appreciate that a lot. I will respond to your comments soon.
Today I wanted to talk about naps. This last week I’ve been taking a nap from 5:30 – 7:30pm and sleeping from 1am-8am. I do not know why I am napping suddenly. This is not normal for me unless I have been vigorously exercising regularly or – on the flip side – am depressed.
I’m not too fond of my work; it’s not horrible, but it’s not my favorite thing and every day I look forward to the day ending. Then I want to “relax” and I can think of nothing better than to crawl into bed. I get very sleepy and I just conk out. I wake up a couple hours later and I want to watch shows, or YouTube, and then I read until I remember to take my meds and then conk out again.
I told my mom this and she lectured me, “That’s not normal for someone your age” (she’s been using this phrase a lot lately “someone your age” which really makes me feel like shit) “what you should be doing instead is going for a walk.”
I mean, she’s not wrong, I’m not getting any exercise besides my weekly skating event (which, does burn a TON of calories). I’ll be starting to go skating on Sundays as well. So twice a week is way better than nothing.
Anyway, I was doing alright with my shame today and yesterday. I’ve accepted my body as something that is okay right, now but I have confidence I’ll improve on. The hair is the harder part. Mainly because it’s unruly. I’ve got very thick hair and with it being this short it’s hard to manage. But also, yah know, the grey. But then I remind myself I’m being authentically me. But I still feel my age. And I feel like no one will consider me attractive. Because when I look in the mirror I don’t think I’m attractive.
But even when I forget about that, and lose that self-consciousness, I hear my mother in my head. “Someone your age…” this and that. And how horrified she was the last time she saw my grey roots and remembered how she criticized women who grew out their grey. I’m afraid she’ll no longer love me, which is quite silly. But…is it? What if she becomes embarrassed to be seen with me when I visit her in October? I was already overweight, but I’ve gained weight since she last saw me.
The thing is, all this is me, the way I look is the way I look. And I want to just be okay and loved and accepted being me. I don’t want to be fake.
I’m still ashamed to go out. I’ve only gone drive-through to pick up meds since I cut my hair. Maybe if I can gel my hair down enough to be reasonable I’ll feel comfortable going out. Or maybe not. I’m still adjusting to not looking super young. How will I fit in with my friends younger than me? And my friends older than me who were already far more attractive than me, but now are even more so?
I can’t wait until my hair grows long again. It’ll take a year til I’m comfortable with it again, I think.
Anyway, obviously, something’s going on with me with my napping. I wish my mom had just said, “Oh, I’m sorry, is everything ok?” I don’t normally advocate this method of correction, but all I can do in this situation is ignore her. I turned off Messenger notifications so I don’t have to constantly be reminded of, “someone your age…” She said, “Sorry to nag, but…” and I should have said, “Rather than apologize for nagging, just don’t do it.” But I’d rather not engage at all. Because I’m too tired and too ashamed and feel too unloved to do so.