29 days til divorce hearing: naps

Thank you all for your encouraging words, about my looks, my hair, body positivity, kindness, etc. It has helped a little. And I appreciate that a lot. I will respond to your comments soon.

Today I wanted to talk about naps. This last week I’ve been taking a nap from 5:30 – 7:30pm and sleeping from 1am-8am. I do not know why I am napping suddenly. This is not normal for me unless I have been vigorously exercising regularly or – on the flip side – am depressed.

I’m not too fond of my work; it’s not horrible, but it’s not my favorite thing and every day I look forward to the day ending. Then I want to “relax” and I can think of nothing better than to crawl into bed. I get very sleepy and I just conk out. I wake up a couple hours later and I want to watch shows, or YouTube, and then I read until I remember to take my meds and then conk out again.

I told my mom this and she lectured me, “That’s not normal for someone your age” (she’s been using this phrase a lot lately “someone your age” which really makes me feel like shit) “what you should be doing instead is going for a walk.”

I mean, she’s not wrong, I’m not getting any exercise besides my weekly skating event (which, does burn a TON of calories). I’ll be starting to go skating on Sundays as well. So twice a week is way better than nothing.

Anyway, I was doing alright with my shame today and yesterday. I’ve accepted my body as something that is okay right, now but I have confidence I’ll improve on. The hair is the harder part. Mainly because it’s unruly. I’ve got very thick hair and with it being this short it’s hard to manage. But also, yah know, the grey. But then I remind myself I’m being authentically me. But I still feel my age. And I feel like no one will consider me attractive. Because when I look in the mirror I don’t think I’m attractive.

But even when I forget about that, and lose that self-consciousness, I hear my mother in my head. “Someone your age…” this and that. And how horrified she was the last time she saw my grey roots and remembered how she criticized women who grew out their grey. I’m afraid she’ll no longer love me, which is quite silly. But…is it? What if she becomes embarrassed to be seen with me when I visit her in October? I was already overweight, but I’ve gained weight since she last saw me.

The thing is, all this is me, the way I look is the way I look. And I want to just be okay and loved and accepted being me. I don’t want to be fake.

I’m still ashamed to go out. I’ve only gone drive-through to pick up meds since I cut my hair. Maybe if I can gel my hair down enough to be reasonable I’ll feel comfortable going out. Or maybe not. I’m still adjusting to not looking super young. How will I fit in with my friends younger than me? And my friends older than me who were already far more attractive than me, but now are even more so?

I can’t wait until my hair grows long again. It’ll take a year til I’m comfortable with it again, I think.

Anyway, obviously, something’s going on with me with my napping. I wish my mom had just said, “Oh, I’m sorry, is everything ok?” I don’t normally advocate this method of correction, but all I can do in this situation is ignore her. I turned off Messenger notifications so I don’t have to constantly be reminded of, “someone your age…” She said, “Sorry to nag, but…” and I should have said, “Rather than apologize for nagging, just don’t do it.” But I’d rather not engage at all. Because I’m too tired and too ashamed and feel too unloved to do so.

5 thoughts on “29 days til divorce hearing: naps

  1. I’ve never had poofy hair, so I’m sorry I can’t give you any help there. I am getting my first few grays (my mom didn’t go gray until very late also) and you can barely see them because the rest of my hair is sort of blonde. But they are a different texture from the rest, they don’t behave the same way, and it’s disconcerting. They tangle worse than the rest of the hair, and tangling has always been an issue for me. The best I have found is an Argan oil treatment and a little hair gel, combed through my hair right after washing it, then air drying.

    My other go-to is hats. I usually wear a hat all winter anyway, for warmth. But it also helps hide the fact that my hair won’t do anything.

    It’s funny, but I’ve continued to wear a mask when I go out, and maybe I feel a little more confident when I do. The mask hides my double chin, which usually I am horribly self-conscious about. And I’ve had it since I was twelve, you’d think it shouldn’t bother me any more, but it still really does.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My parents didn’t go gray till they were much older than I am, so I’m wondering if it’s more a result stress than genetics. Thanks for the tip about the argan oil. I’ll see if my daughter is willing to use that on her tangled hair.

      I don’t wear my mask anymore but when I did I also was relieved others didn’t see the double chin. I’m trying not to be embarrassed about it, but I’m always conscious of it. I hope to get my nice jawline and slim neck back when I lose the weight.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve had a ton of pixie haircuts in my life and certain things will save you: headbands, scarves/bandannas, and hats. When you go from long to short your hair will naturally fly all over the place because it suddenly has no weight, but don’t worry, it’ll settle down at least a little with time. Also, I think earrings make a good look with a pixie and can draw your eye away from wild hair. You might want to consider some type of hair oil…argon oil is a good one like Ubi mentioned.

    What is it with our critical mothers? My mom is also ceaselessly critical because I don’t meet the beauty standards of her generation (like dying my gray hair). We must not let these negative voices fill our heads. I’m also just going to say this: it’s hard to look fabulous when you don’t have much money. Not all of us have the budget for hair salons (I’ve been cutting my own hair for years) and fashionable clothing. All we can do is our best….be clean, be tidy, wear clothing that fits our changing bodies as best as we can afford. I find it extremely difficult to be confident as a middle aged woman, but damn it, I will at least FAKE IT (most of my friends are much more well off than me, which makes me feel extra ugly and poor). This is a constant battle that must be fought…our looks and money, and in my case health, are not the only things that define us. As a line from the poem Desiderata, “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that quote, Violet! I’m going to write it on a sticky note on my mirror as a reminder.

      You know, I’m starting to really love my hair. I use gel to tame it. And I’ve been wearing headbands and earrings and bolder makeup. It’s cute. I now think it looks better than before I cut it.

      I’m sorry to hear your mom is also so critical. And you also understand what it’s like to be the poorer one amongst wealthier friends. This is something I’m going to discuss with my therapist tomorrow – I feel more and more like I don’t fit in with my wealthier more attractive friends and I don’t know if I just don’t or if I’m making things a big deal that aren’t.

      Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.