26 days til divorce hearing: confidence

I spent most of the day today recovering from a hangover. In fact, I’m still tired and will retire early. Last night I went out with the ladies from my bookclub. We had drinks and tacos. I spent yesterday afternoon buying a new wardrobe from a nice thrift store, because my previous clothes were too small, having gained some more weight. I felt a lot more confident having clothes that fit.

And I bought and wore a dress out. It was even sleeveless! And bright – coral color. I paired it with some really cool/funky jewelry and went out IN PUBLIC in something daring. But it made me look great. Not great, no, actually, I’d need to lose a TON of weight to look great, but I said, Yeah you know what, so what, I’m fat. I’m going to pretend like I can still be attractive.

And I acted like it. I stopped hiding. But then we took a group picture and I cringed when I saw it because of how big I looked and all that psychological progress went away. I was horrified.

And then I had to tell myself again, This is you now. This is not you forever. And, see what this means. You have friends who adore you and want to be seen with you.

I genuinely seem to be a person others want to be around, even though I’m fat. And no one makes fun of me nor looks down on me (that I know of).

And this was the first time since…I can’t remember really…where there was an event that was just about me. There were 7 other women who were (are) fully there to support me and cheer me on. And that’s a big fucking deal. Because a year ago I didn’t have this. And I was trying to hide.

I’ve also made peace with my hair. I like the color now. And I’ve found a way to style it that looks attractive. And I like that I’m not trying to hide behind my hair. I feel like I’m being more authentic.

I guess I feel kinda raw and scared because I’m not hiding. I’m making bold choices. I can tell I’m scared because my apartment is an absolute wreck. I’m very overwhelmed I won’t be able to tackle it. But I will. Just like my weight.

Tomorrow I go see a weight loss doctor. I’m going to have to get on a scale. I’m probably going to weigh way more than I’m guessing. I’m prepping myself, telling myself it’s okay whatever it says because it doesn’t have to stay that way.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.