18 days until divorce hearing: truth to bear

I had to work Saturday. It was the first Saturday we were open, and we got no calls. I had today off and was supposed to take my car in for inspection, and Lucy to the vet, but I didn’t get enough sleep and so I canceled those appointments and slept half the day.

I’ve tried on my new rollerskates, but have not skated in them yet because my heels got all scraped up from some new shoes. I’ve been fixated on skating, but haven’t had too much success with it yet. I used to be quite good at it, but I’ve reverted back. It’s not, at all, like re-learning how to ride a bike. I feel like a hippo learning how to skate. I’m all shaky and feel like I’m going to topple over.

I’m in avoiding mode. I’ve been a lot better with my diet. Not perfect, but better. Better food, small portion sizes, fewer calories. I won’t have my diet plan until Thursday when I see the doctor, but I’m trying to get started already. When I say I’m in avoiding mode, I mean that I’m avoiding cleaning up the rest of my life as I can only seem to focus on one thing at a time.

For example, there are some social groups I want to be more active in because I believe I can develop some genuine friendships, but I get worn out by social adventures and have to limit myself. However, I do want to participate more because in order to become closer with others you typically have to spend more time with them.

Also, I’d like to clean up my apartment but I find that I don’t have the motivation to do so. No one is coming over, so I don’t really care so much. Other than it’s getting hard to navigate my apartment.

My eczema is acting up. On my fingers. My feet itch. I have a heat rash around my neck. It’s quite uncomfortable, unattractive. Irritating. I’ve been gassy, which is also irritating and unattractive. I think it’s because I’m eating more vegetables.

I think I got so fat because I kept shoving food into my mouth. And the reason I’ve been doing that is because of anxiety. Something feels off. And depression. Something is missing. When I look at my life, these both make sense. These last 2 weeks I’ve been refraining from eating when it’s not meal time. Or at least a lot more often. Or, when I can’t, I’m eating more nutritious foods. I’m trying to retrain my brain to get used to the uncomfortable feeling I feel much of the time.

The uncomfortable feeling: what is it? Like things are out of my control. And the things that are under my control I am failing at.

I had dinner yesterday at my ex in-laws’. My ex’s brother and his wife were there with their twin boys, my kids’ age. And I realized I’m no longer going to share their last name soon, and I will no longer be a part of the family. I am very kind and y attention to my ex’s 90-something-year-old grandma, and as a result, she adores me. And I think she hopes if she’s nice to me I’ll stay with her grandson. It will be very uncomfortable for everyone when I’m no longer the granddaughter-in-law, the daughter-in-law, the sister-in-law. I will just be someone who used to be married to their grandson, son, or brother.

Is my pending divorce bothering me? I’ve had a ton of time to process it. The last year of living apart, plus several years of sleeping in separate rooms. There is excitement but there is also this thought that…oh shit, I failed at something. At love, which I used to believe in. And still do, to a point, but don’t believe I will be happy in love. That’s depressing.

But also, I have to wonder how this has affected my kids, and they have not been well for 4 years, at least that’s what I discern by going over it and reviewing pictures for genuine smiles. I think that we (“we” being my ex and I) are responsible, which means that I am partly responsible. And being responsible for your kids’ descent into depression (especially my daughter’s) is a horrible truth to bear.