Unexpected side effect of keto diet: crying spell

I have a carb app where I’m tracking everything I put into my mouth. I’m feeling hungry a lot and putting more calories into my mouth than I still need for my ideal weight, though my calories are still a deficit and are likely half of the calories I was putting into my body on a regular basis. When I did the Atkins diet years back I didn’t count calories, but I realize that I still need a deficit to lose weight. I’m trying to do this right.

Anyway, it’s really an emotional process to go from shoveling food into your mouth at all hours to actually being mindful and very specific about what you consume. It’s major behavioral modification. Part of this modification is to write down 10 things you can do for 5-15 minutes that you really enjoy if you really aren’t hungry and are just stressed or bored. Mine are:

• Meditate
• Take a nap
• Listen to music
• Watch a YouTube video
• Play a game on my phone
• Pet Lucy (my cat)
• Walk around my apartment complex/check the mail
• Read a book
• Plan social events
• Blog

I’m not currently hungry (finally!), but I feel like stuffing my face. And I realized part of why I stuff my face because without the food I’m forced to face my emotions and I was confronted with sadness with a tinge of anger.

I noticed on Facebook my two friends hanging out with another mutual acquaintance. No big deal, except I wonder why they didn’t invite me to watch the sunset. I’ve noticed over the past few months Facebook pics of them inviting her to things they used to invite me to and no longer do. Playing games; riding bikes. I am invited to larger group events but no longer just the 2 or 3 of us.

And that fucking hurts.

Will I say something? No. Do I wonder if I did something wrong? Sorta, but I can’t imagine what it could be.

I feel as if maybe they finally figured out that I don’t belong with them, to be perfectly honest. They are a little older than me, wealthier, and have different lifestyles. We connected emotionally and had a ton of fun together, but obviously, they don’t miss me.

Maybe I backed away when I was feeling depressed? I don’t know, I can’t account for it; I’m just convinced that my fears/suspicions have been validated.

One of the pair told me she’d invite me over for lunch, just one-on-one because she only sees me in a group, and that gave me hope and made me happy, but she never did invite me over for lunch.

Truth be told, I’m getting really good at this making a lot of acquaintances thing but not so great in the in-person close friendship department.

I could talk to my friends, but I fear it will make me look needy and petty and I can’t bear the thought of coming across that way. So, instead, these friends, who I was once becoming close with, will just slip away.

And that makes me fucking sad.

So sad I want to shove food into my face until the sadness stops.

A lot of my sadness comes from not connecting with others. And that is why I eat so much. And when I’m not feeling lonely I’m feeling anxious. Though my anxiety has lessened over time.

There is a certain point…some line that I have drawn…that others cannot cross. It is a necessary protection. A line I didn’t have before.

Friends change, people depart, I get that, but when am I going to be actually close with others? I have no one to call who lives local that I can talk to or anyone I can put down as my emergency contact other than my soon-to-be ex husband. It’s a year later and that hasn’t changed. That hasn’t fucking changed.