On my way

I’m flying to visit a long-time friend who I originally met online. We’ve known each other for many years online and met for the first time last year. I’m looking forward to the visit again. I’m hoping at some point that I’ll be able to meet some of my other long-term online friends. Whoever says online friends are not “real” friends does not understand how close and how special online friendships can be. In many ways, while you do not see the day-to-day life of that friend you do know things about them that people IRL may not know.

Anyway, I’m at the airport. I’m soaked. It was pouring outside. As a result, it looked on the scan like I was packing some heat. So TSA patted me down EVERYWHERE. The last time I was touched in those areas was…well, a very long time ago. I’m both amused and feel violated. Though the TSA screener was very polite and explained everything.

I’m pulling out my laptop to write this to kill time. I’ve still got an hour before boarding. My shoes are squishy with water. I feel like I just went through a water log ride at a theme park. Despite the annoyances of today so far I’m quite happy. Happy to visit my good friend and happy that I have 4 days off from work.

I’ve been feeling extremely stressed at work. I even missed a day and a half last week from it. My boss was on leave for two weeks and I found I was being trained in everything and given a lot more work than usual. I had a talk with my boss when she got back and she clarified what I’m responsible for. She also said, “Now that you know how to do everything you can take on some supervisor duties when I’m out.” I’m not sure if she was joking or not but it made me feel like she appreciated and respects me. She ended the conversation by saying she was here for me if I need anything. The conversation took away 50% of my stress level.

I wrote the post as an update but also because I want to share a song. I’ve been wanting to create a playlist for my divorce for a long time but just have never gotten through it. I realize that while I’m free and have zero desire to get back with my ex, I’m still sad about the divorce. Yes, I said it – it’s a sad event.

But not the actual divorce itself. What’s sad is all the pain I’ve gone through and how you couldn’t make it work with someone you committed your life to. In that way, I feel like a failure.

But also, there are parts of being married that I miss, like having a partner and someone to sleep in bed with at night. Cuddles and massages. And, yes, “I love you”s.

I feel like this song expresses the tone of how I’ve felt the last year when I really allow myself to feel my emotions regarding it. It gives me both chills and makes me cry. I don’t feel that often with music.

(I ended up choosing the lyric video because some of the lyrics are hard to understand and also the video is awesome but it’s also…weird…and takes away from the feel I’m hoping to convey).

So, I’m free. I have a piece of paper expressing that I’m divorced. But nothing has changed. My life is completely the same. The only thing that’s different is my last name. I have it changed on my social security card but I haven’t had a chance to change it on my driver’s license or anything else. I’m in between names. It’s a weird thing. And I wonder if I made the right decision to change it back to my birth name. What was wrong with my married name? It is the name of my children, what is wrong with that?

I think I’m just overwhelmed by the amount of work it’ll take to change my name. It’s A LOT.

What else is there?

Well, I’ve done horribly on my diet the last 2 days. I’ve eaten what I’ve wanted. Not healthy but healthier than I was eating in the past before I started my diet. It just had high carbs. I found it made me feel full, despite only eating half what I’d normally eat. It felt good until later when I felt a drop in my sugar levels and felt tired.

I think I need to eat more calories on my diet because I feel like something is missing. I’m not super hungry on the diet but I definitely feel like something is missing. At some point, closer to my ideal weight I’m going to up the carbs by eating some starchier vegetables I like, legumes, beans, and a small number of grains, and reduce the fat a bit. I feel the best eating the Mediterranean diet. For now, I will be following my weight loss doctor’s orders.

I think that’s it for now. I have nothing else of substance to write about. My flight boards in 48 minutes. I bought a book at the airport. I could have bought my own but I wanted to be adventurous. Unfortunately, the selection wasn’t that great, but I will make do with what I bought. At a minimum, hopefully, it’ll keep the passenger in the next seat from talking to me. This introvert doesn’t like talking to strangers. Sometimes reading a book or listening to music doesn’t help. Sometimes it does. We’ll see how it works this time.

I hope you have a good day. Oh, I passed 700 followers the other day. Compared to a lot of people that’s not a ton, however, it is a significant amount of people compared to where I started. When I started blogging I felt incredibly humbled to have just a few. I’m not quite sure still what I do that inspires others to read, comment, and like, but I know I greatly appreciate you. You add value to my life. Thank you for showing up. ❤

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.