So, I remember trying to make my marriage work about 8 years ago, and what pushed me over the edge towards wanting a divorce was evaluating my emotional needs ala Marriage Builders, which is an online Christian coaching program. Rather than bringing me closer to my husband as intended, it shocked me how much my needs were not getting met in my marriage, that is, the really important ones to me.
I did not do my part in sharing these needs with my husband because the damage was irreparable. The marriage was too far gone, in that I could not trust him with the things that were important to me, and did not feel respected nor valued. Also, a huge issue was that I was losing my faith and the further I got into my doubts the healthier I got, and the further I got from my husband. There were also other major issues which I’m not comfortable sharing here.
Despite no longer being a Christian I find the emotional needs concept valuable and have decided to rank them in order of importance to me again. Of course, on the other side of the coin, is my meeting a partner’s needs. Ideally, we’d have similar needs for compatibility so that we don’t have to work so damn hard to understand each other.
Without further ado, here are my needs in order:
1. Intimate conversation – to share feelings, personal experiences, topics of interest, plans for the future.
2. Admiration – to be shown respect, value, and appreciation.
3. Affection – nonsexual expressions that bring a sense of love and security- words, cards, gifts, kisses/hugs.
4. Honesty and Openness – frank and truthful discussions.
5. Recreational companionship – doing enjoyable recreational activities with each other.
6. Sexual Fulfillment – craving to engage in enjoyable sexual fulfillment.
7. Domestic Support – help with household tasks and children.
8. Physical Attractiveness – physical appearance is aesthetically pleasing to you.
9. Financial Support – help to house, clothe, and feed family.
10. Family Commitment – moral education of children.
Which order would yours be?