More weight loss and life overhaul

I haven’t stuck to my keto diet in 2 weeks and, despite this, I have lost another pound from my lower weight a couple weeks ago. This is despite going on vacation last week and eating some higher fried and fatty foods. Despite this, my diet for the past few weeks has been far fewer calories (my portion sizes are far smaller), and my food choices have been more nutritious.

Another thing I’ve got on my side is semaglutide, which is prescribed to diabetics for glucose and insulin stability. I am not diabetic, but my blood sugar had gotten just slightly into that prediabetic range. This has happened to me twice before – once in my early 20s when I’d eat maybe one really high carb meal a day with sugary soda and then again during one of my pregnancies. The solution was to eat less sugar and to eat 3 actual meals which helped it go back to normal. After I gave birth it also went back to normal.

A few weeks ago I was not exercising, having full sugar soda, fruit snacks, and a large amount of pasta on a daily basis so I’m wondering if (wouldn’t it be great) if my blood sugar levels were now back to normal now that I’m no longer eating like crap? Despite this I will continue to take the semaglutide because I believe it is helping me lose weight. Primarily I think as an appetite suppressant. It is also helping me lose fat around my midsection, which is the most important place to lose it.

Anyway, I will have to discuss with the new doctor my issues with doing keto. I simply don’t like it and it doesn’t feel good. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

I only like eggs with toast. Eggs over easy on some toast, rosemary and tomato, maybe some avocado yummy! Eggs and bacon by themselves makes me feel sick; I’m not big on red meat; I love hummus but it’s too many carbs; I like bananas and peanut butter but that’s too sugary. I hate salads but I like higher carb veggies like butternut or spaghetti squash, and sweet potatoes. And I fucking love chili. And potatoes (those I realize have to be in moderation in any diet). And I’d really like some oatmeal with fruit or some barley in a soup. None of this is keto-friendly!

I also wonder if I should be so concerned with my goal weight being as low. That is, is it really necessary to be a “healthy” BMI? If I can get my blood sugar down and all my labs are good and being a little overweight doesn’t interfere with my activities, do I really need to lose that extra weight other than to be more conventionally aesthetically pleasing?

What I mean is that, instead of needing to lose another 60 lbs, maybe it’s only 40? Forty pounds ago I was still overweight but I was in great health. And that weight is more sustainable for me. Unfortunately I’m very small height-wise and would have to eat like a bird to be as small width wise as I’m “supposed” to be. I’m not allowed to eat the same amount of calories as the average woman, which is just unfair and not realistic.

I want to be healthy, but I also want to live and enjoy my life, damn it.

Deep breaths, Quix. I’m taking some healthy steps in the right direction and that’s always a great thing.

I’m trying to figure this out. I’m also trying to figure some other stuff out. It’s hard to articulate, but I’m still wondering where I go from here?

I just got divorced last month (yay!) but I have no interest in joining the dating field. My sex drive certainly isn’t “driving” things as it’s practically non-existent at the moment. Am I allowed to be single? I guess I don’t want to be but I also don’t want to date, so that’s quite the conflict.

But also, do I really want a partner or do I really just want close friends? And I think the answer is that I want close friends. And I don’t know if I’m closing myself off to these friendships or being close with people in person just takes time.

I think what I’m looking for is intimacy with people close by. But I don’t want to start anything new because too many new things have been happening. And, to be truthful, a huge part of why I wanted to lose weight was because I thought no one would want me how I currently look. Which isn’t true. If I don’t have to worry about looking good naked I can just focus on getting healthier.

I wanted a new goal. That’s why I picked a goal weight. But that isn’t good enough. I want a whole life overhaul. The thing is, I’ve only got so much in me to focus on one time. I was going to make my weight my thing for this year.

I wonder, am I still in survival mode? If so, is it time to get out of it? What’s really important to me right now?

Thankfully I have a therapist who I can talk to about this on Wednesday. But only for 45 minutes. That’s a lot to discuss in that period of time.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.