Floating

I no longer feel like I’m drowning. I asked for help at work and I got it. Also, the meds I was out of kicked in again.

Last night I had a meal that is not keto-approved. My ex and I went to a Mediterranean restaurant to discuss my daughter’s schooling and I was very hungry having only had 300 calories in 20 hours (bad move). The pita bread and hummus! The black beans and yellow rice! They were too tempting to me. I was like, “fuck the diet” but didn’t gorge.

I woke up the next day and I had lost another .2 lbs, after a brief stall. I’m losing about a pound a week. So not at a fast pace, but at a healthy pace. Because of my lack of my one psych med I had lost motivation to walk so I’m sure if I go for a walk around the lake every day like I had started to do, in addition to my Skating, I can lose another 1/2 lb a week.

Why am I so ashamed to see my weight loss doctor on Tuesday? I’m afraid he will criticize me for not sticking with keto. I only stuck with it for a week this last month. But why the hell should I care? I’m losing weight, aren’t I? 12 lbs so far! It’s because I’m in a calorie deficit.

The other thing I need to consider is I can feel my muscles are sore after I go skating and my bum and legs have gotten a little firmer so I’m sure I’m building muscle as well.

In other news, one of my friends who I thought I’d lost as a friend wants to have dinner with me. It’s the same night as my bookclub and I almost told her no, but I thought about what’s more important to me. On Wednesday I’m going to have dinner with some new women friends and she can’t do any other day.

I am glad to have an excuse not to go to the Freethinker article club. I know I am not a stupid person but it makes me feel stupid because I’m poor at articulating my point. Actually, I don’t usually have points to make because while I have preferences in general I don’t have strong passions about any particular issue.

Well, I suppose that’s not true: my ex and I would fight about such things if they came up, but the people in the article club agree with me on everything. Also, I’m a poor debater and often do not have a litany of facts stored up in my brain. I simply can’t be bothered with these facts, unless they are of a sociological and psychological nature (human centered) then I’m interested. But even then I can’t remember much. Again, I feel quite stupid in these groups.

On the reading front, I am re-reading Persuasion because of the new Netflix movie that came out, that everyone seems to hate but I quite enjoyed. I think it’s true that the main character in the movie, Anne Elliott, is not at all like in the book, which is actually essential to the plot. The movie Anne is cheeky and sarcastic, speaking to the camera (think of Fleabag) whereas in the book she is quiet and observant.

I don’t typically relate to Jane Austen characters, but Anne is somewhat of an exception. I can relate to being a bit of a pushover, being easily persuaded, and having obsessive thoughts about someone you are in love with but can’t have. That is one thing I do like about this book – I can relate to this kind of romance. But unlike fiction, real life often gives you a different kind of romance. It can give you a less painful one, at least I’d like to think so.

I’ve said this before, but every man or person I’ve ever loved I have loved in different ways. I have thought that more than one person is my “soul mate” now I know that such a person doesn’t exist. What can exist is really connecting with multiple people over the course of your lifetime, whether that be romantic, friendship, family relationships or otherwise.

The more I accept this, the happier I am. For example, I never considered my ex husband “the love of my life” or “my soul mate” but I certainly loved him and we had a connection at one point. Enough so that I married him. And, despite all our problems and codependency and toxicity at times I can still appreciate the good things we did have. Certainly, our two children came out of such a union.

On a somewhat related note I watched Where the Crawdad’s Sing last night. I had read the book for my bookclub. No spoilers other than to say the protagonist has a special guy friend in her life. I would argue that it doesn’t look like the typical romance shown in fiction but it works for them. I really like the amount of comfort and slow burn that is displayed. Also that the point of the story is not romance.

I am a romantic at heart but I do not like romance to be the main plot of the story. It is more enticing to me when it is a side story and when it is unexpected. I think because life is like that. Whenever I put a romantic relationship front and center I lose myself and what’s important to be. I compromise my values. I obsess. Often I lose the ability to function. I blame my parents, ha.

Wow, this post is all over the place. I stayed up far too late last night and unfortunately had to work very early.

Overall, I’d say my brain is working properly again. I can focus. I’m still in the ocean but I’m now floating instead of drowning.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.