I took a risk and decided to talk to my friend about something that had been bothering me. Well, it was over text but I’ll see her Thursday. I decided to be vulnerable. And she didn’t reject me. But my brain says, “not yet.”
I came to accept that if she were to reject me for being earnest and genuine then I don’t need her friendship. And for some reason that was finally okay with me.
For a year I’ve been social. I’ve made dozens of “friends,” but not close ones. Part of that is that it takes time, but part of it is because I’m scared shitless to make myself vulnerable. One silly example is that I feel anxious about sending someone a Facebook friend request. I think they are just rolling their eyes in disgust, or are horrified that I could want to be friends.
My neurotic brain makes everything a big deal. I need friends who know this about me and accept it. I know it’s not always easy, but would I be so harsh about a friend who has neurosis like me? No, of course not.
Friends, I’m scared. Of friends in real life. I’m more comfortable “exposing” myself to all of you. Why is this? Why does it not feel as risky?