A risk

I took a risk and decided to talk to my friend about something that had been bothering me. Well, it was over text but I’ll see her Thursday. I decided to be vulnerable. And she didn’t reject me. But my brain says, “not yet.”

I came to accept that if she were to reject me for being earnest and genuine then I don’t need her friendship. And for some reason that was finally okay with me.

For a year I’ve been social. I’ve made dozens of “friends,” but not close ones. Part of that is that it takes time, but part of it is because I’m scared shitless to make myself vulnerable. One silly example is that I feel anxious about sending someone a Facebook friend request. I think they are just rolling their eyes in disgust, or are horrified that I could want to be friends.

My neurotic brain makes everything a big deal. I need friends who know this about me and accept it. I know it’s not always easy, but would I be so harsh about a friend who has neurosis like me? No, of course not.

Friends, I’m scared. Of friends in real life. I’m more comfortable “exposing” myself to all of you. Why is this? Why does it not feel as risky?

2 thoughts on “A risk

  1. So… this happened: I reached out to some people, a local support group. (This part happened on Facebook.) One of the women sent me a reply with an invitation to chat privately. That turned into exchanging phone numbers. we began texting back-and-forth, over the course of a few weeks. This past Sunday, we met for the first time in person at a scheduled monthly meetup. I was super nervous (didn’t know anyone there) and could tell that she was a bit nervous, too. The meeting lasted a couple of hours. when it was over, we resumed our texting back-and-forth (realizing how much we have in common) and agreed to meet up one on one at the end of the month. This feels like a new friendship. We’ll see! Since we live a couple of hours apart, we’ll meet halfway. I totally understand your prickly feelings about people. You never know what people are thinking and the best you can hope for is a reflection of your own best thoughts about them.

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.