Seeming contraction

I can’t write this on my laptop because my cat keeps licking my hand when I do and it’s really irritating my skin. Ah, cat parent life! I just ate tuna so that could explain why. Anyway, I’m writing this on my phone so I’ll try to keep this brief.

I had an unsettling dream. My friend (who I was vulnerable with yesterday) in my dream basically told me I was self-centered and I didn’t really have any major things to be upset over. And this made me wander off, I was entering a dissociative and suicidal state. This happened in the earlier part of my dream with a different person.

Also, I keep having dreams that I’m lost. And I find I’m in a different state in the middle of nowhere, with no idea how I got there. Or, I find myself accidentally entering a body of water that floods and goes over my head.

I think these dreams mean I am overwhelmed, lost, and don’t trust myself. I feel tired. I feel like I’ve been trying too hard but at the same time I’m lazy with the day-to-day. I have no idea how to make sense of this contradiction.

One thought on “Seeming contraction

  1. I think we all have the “I’m lost” dream at some point.

    For me, the dream will start with driving on a familiar road, or walking in a familiar place, and then suddenly I’m headed into a part I don’t know. Something that should be familiar suddenly changed into a place I don’t know, and it’s really unsettling. I’m happy to explore new places, but I want my old familiar ones to stay that way.

    This is one reason I’ve been staying off the highway that runs near my house. They’ve been doing construction to add lanes, and they keep changing the exits and rerouting lanes, and every time they do it feels wrong. Even if it’s an awful highway that I hated driving on, at least I knew where I was and where I was supposed to go. I can’t bear to use it now, I’m finding other routes whenever I can.

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.