Finally, Peace

I’ve been so tight, so stressed, so overwhelmed. But something happened last night that released some of my tension, and then today was a better day.

We went to my son’s Freshman (9th grade) high school orientation. My son was chill, he took the map and navigated to his classrooms, we met the teachers and it was the least stressful orientation in the 12 years I’ve gone to school orientations.

We didn’t go to my daughter’s Junior year (11th grade) orientation. The reason: we are withdrawing her from school altogether. That’s right, she’s dropping out. She’s 16 and at least in this state school is no longer compulsory at that age.

This was an agonizing decision with weeks – no years when I think about it – with what to do. For 3 years the public school system has failed her and she’s given up. So what’s the plan now?

She doesn’t feel she’s ready for a job and she struggles with anxiety too badly to learn how to drive a car. So she has agreed to go to the community college for either the GED program or adult high school program. These programs are geared towards adults (18+ years old) however with our consent at 16 she’s allowed to go.

There is orientation coming up and we will see which program seems to fit best for her. I’m honestly skeptical that she’ll stick with it, but there is hope. Tomorrow we officially withdraw her from school. It is scary as fuck.

But somehow my son’s attitude made me feel ok again. And I think part of that is because I internalize my daughter’s mental health struggles and think it must be my fault, but having a son who is doing well makes me realize it’s not my parenting, my daughter was just dealt an unlucky hand. Puberty ignited a shit storm of severe mental health issues.

Which – yeah – that kind of is my fault genetically. And it makes me sad that because of my genetic history she has to suffer. However there isn’t any shit I can do about it now.

My son often gets overlooked. Overshadowed by his sister’s needs. And I know what that feels like because that was my childhood. I made a decision yesterday to not let my daughter’s needs rob my son of my son’s needs. It’s not going to be perfect but I’ll be damned if my son ends up feeling invisible. I want him to know I see him.

Because of his good attitude the orientation wasn’t stressful and after an extremely stressful couple weeks I felt like I could breathe because of it. Then, today at work I finished all my tasks. Which felt like a fucking miracle.

So I now feel like I have the strength to tackle tomorrow. And my therapy today with my therapist helped as well.

I think everything will be ok.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.