Two topics: weight loss and my daughter

I’m telling you all now: this post is going to be all over the place. And I won’t have any pretty post image either. What’s kept me from writing these last couple of weeks is a multitude of things. The primary reason is that my children had Covid (they were really sick and I was caring for them) and I am recovering myself. Yes, I had Covid AGAIN. This time it wasn’t so bad. But my kids still have lingering cough and vomiting. 😦

I am back on the semaglutide, the drug I inject for insulin sensitivity and weight loss. I was off it for a couple weeks because in my ditziness I accidentally stuck it in the freezer and thought I couldn’t use it. Now I’m back on it, at double the dose. And also after 2 weeks of a high-sugar diet I’m back doing keto. So I’m not sure if I feel like shit because of lingering effects of Covid, the “keto flu” from being back on low-carb, or the higher dosage of the semaglutide.

When I was off the semaglutide my binge-eating came back. Not as full-force as it had previously been before starting my diet, however without it I craved high sugar foods and though I didn’t eat A LOT I still felt like eating all the time and felt like eating ice cream and fruit snacks and Gatorade. I bought a glucometer and measured both my fasting and 2 hours post-meal glucose and my fasting blood sugar levels this last month are still considered pre-diabetic levels. Sigh.

I saw my weight-loss doctor the other day. I told him about what happened when I stopped the semaglutide. Despite my horrible diet and lack of exercise, I still managed to lose 4 lbs since my last visit a month ago. I’m going to thank Covid for that one.

So now…guess what…I’m down TWENTY pounds!!! (About 9 kg)

On one level, this is a LOT of weight. I feel it in my clothes, I can feel it in my body. On the other hand, I still need to lose another 50 lbs (22 kg) so I have a long way to go.

Honestly, it’s been an up and down journey. I want to be one of those people whose life has totally turned around and has healthy habits, eats great, gets fit (and hot), and shows these dramatic weight loss pics. But I’m not.

I’ve still got horrible habits, my diet isn’t as good as it should be, and I can’t seem to exercise regularly (even though I do often get 2 hours of exercise a week thanks to roller skating).

I decided to order a subscription box of keto meals delivered to me each week. Yes, I know I know it’s EXPENSIVE. Yes, I know I know it’s PROCESSED. But ya know what – I was already spending a lot of money on Door Dashing and not cooking. And yes, I am extremely ashamed of that. Why don’t I just plan out and grocery shop and save money and have better control of what I’m putting into my mouth?

Am I depressed? Or am I just lazy? I guess it doesn’t matter, but I have little motivation to actually change things much. But I have changed things a LITTLE. No, that’s not true – I’ve changed things A LOT, it’s just not the ideal.

I’m eating more veggies, I’m consuming way less sugar, and significantly less calories, I’m exercising more. I just don’t have the lifestyle I want.

Anyway, with these meals being delivered my carbs and calories will be preset for me so I can track them and not have to worry about it. I also scheduled an appointment at my gym so a trainer can develop a strength training plan for me. I would like to do strength training at least 2x a week and in a way that effectively helps me increase my metabolism to burn calories. I also want to have a more shapely body.

But sometimes I wonder…what am I doing this for? Why am I losing weight? And I think now that I’ve lost some weight around my neck (which made it uncomfortable to lay down) and my pants actually fit me now and my blood pressure is now normal (YAY!) I’m like, what else is there?

Well, obviously I’d like to no longer be prediabetic. I really do not want all the complications that comes from having diabetes. I also don’t particularly like my belly or back fat. But I’ve lived with those for so long it doesn’t disgust me as much. So, yeah, it’s mostly the prediabetes.

My Rexulti (antipsychotic) is known for increasing blood glucose and so I’m going to get off it. I’ve tried this in the past by myself because I don’t like how it has killed my libido, but every time I stop the drug I lose my motivation and start isolating, however this time I’m going to see if my psychiatrist will switch my medication. Who knows how well that’ll actually go. I’ve got an appointment on Monday.

Of course who knows how fucking with my brain chemistry will go. It’s always a wide ride.

My doctor keeps emphasizing emphatically that I’m to:

1. eat low-carb (under 100 carbs a day but ideally under 50)

2. do intermittent fasting (I don’t eat breakfast)

3. strength train 2 x a week

4. take the semaglutide as prescribed.

He says it’ll help me lose weight and will reverse the pre-diabetes. And I just read an article about how keto can help with bipolar disorder. I’m trying, I’m trying. Thanks to the semaglutide I continue to lose about 1 lb a week.

This is not dramatic, of course, but I’m hoping I can keep it up. When I lose another 30 lbs I’ll still be 20 lbs overweight but I’ll most likely be healthy (at least I was in the past at that weight). Also, at that weight I may have thick thighs, arms, and booty, but my backfat and belly fat were not noticable. Believe it or not, I was pretty hot at 20 lbs overweight. Or maybe I’m just comparing to how I look now. LOL

I also was running and my resting heartrate was low, which was great. Do I really want to run again? No, but I think I’d like to not feel like a big oaf getting around. I suppose it’d be nice not to be ashamed of myself in pictures. Though that can happen at any weight.

In other news, my 16 year old daughter dropped out of school (with her dad and I’s permission) and the high school adult program at the community college isn’t going to work out for her. She had suggested possibly wanting to live with my parents in New England. When asked why she said she hates North Carolina. The main reason is because of the culture: essentially, the bigotry. She also has many online friends in New England. Her friends have just started college so I’m hoping they’ll have a positive influence on her to inspire her to go back to school.

I asked her, Would you be okay living away from your family (meaning, me her dad and 14 year old brother) for months or maybe years? And she didn’t hesitate, “yes.” Oh boy, I remember feeling that way at her age and fortunately at 17 I was able to move 1,000 miles away from my family. And it was also near my grandparents. But I was a year older and was going to college – I hadn’t dropped out of high school.

She says she has a greater piece of mind not being pressured to do anything. She’s not working or going to school. Since she stopped going to school her mental health improved significantly, but I’m still not sure if she’s well enough to pursue any stringent endeavors.

For example, her hygiene was so poor that her hair got so matted so finally came to me for help. The reason it got so bad is I stopped nagging her because she told me that if I stopped nagging her she’d actually take care of it. Well, she didn’t. And so finally she asked for my help. And it was so bad that I had to cut her hair. I spent several hours going through her hair and cutting and pulling apart and finally was able to get her hair clean and untangled.

She had stopped going out in public because of her hair so hopefully she feels more confident now. Also, she was in such poor mental health a few months ago that she had lost weight (she was already thin). She has since gained a healthy amount of weight back, and with her clean and straight hair and having gained weight she looks so much healthier. She’s also started talking to me.

We haven’t been able to find a psychiatrist or therapist that has significantly helped her, other than to get her out of crisis mode. To be honest, I feel like a lousy parent and am riddled with guilt (for example, how could I have let her hair get that bad? and how could I agree to let my daughter drop out of school?) but we (her dad and I) are doing the best we can and as my therapist reminds me, I’ve been very proactive in helping my daughter. I’ve been very involved with her school teachers, counselors, other school staff, multiple therapists, psychiatrists and doctors. My therapist says I’m not neglecting my daughter and I’m trying to believe her.

But maybe, just maybe she might thrive at my mom and step-dad’s? I haven’t presented this idea to them yet. My mom could be okay with my daughter living with her, but I’m not so sure about my step-dad. The last time he had a teen living with him, it was my brother and my brother was a wild one and that didn’t go so well. My brother is now in his 40s, but oh boy that was a dramatic time. My brother has some of the same diagnoses as my daughter and he also lives in New England so maybe he can help her.

Anyway, this post was originally about my weight loss and it turned into a post about my daughter. I just needed to “vent.” Hope you enjoyed the ride.

So, how’ve you been?

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.