I have two therapists right now. One is my regular therapist and another is from Better Help. Eventually I’ll have to quit seeing both, as I can’t afford both. Why did I seek out another therapist? I’ve been seeing my same therapist for 7 years. I wanted to see how another therapist might be able to assist me. Plus, my second therapist does therapy sessions through text.
Honestly, I think in-person or therapy sessions over a video/phone call are much more effective, but I’m better at texting. That is, I can more quickly summarize my point through writing rather than speaking. So I feel like I’m getting more information across in a shorter period of time.
I’ve struggled to get out of bed this weekend. Yesterday I dragged my feet in going grocery shopping but my daughter was hungry and I had to go. Today, I woke up at a reasonable hour (8am ish) then I went back to sleep woke up at 10-something, read The Unconsoled for about 30 minutes, and then went back to sleep and woke up just before 1. I had some interesting dreams, I suppose keeping with the theme of the book I’m reading.
The Unconsoled is hard to get through. It’s part Kafka, part Lewis Carroll, and part Kazuo Ishiguro himself. In that, it feels discombobulated, dissociated, ridiculous, amusing, contemplative, and sad. In the novel time doesn’t follow the usual protocol, the narrator seems to have dementia but also seems perfectly sane compared to those around him, and he seems to also know what’s inside other characters’ heads while being confused by their actions and their expectations of him. It’s a 500+ page book and I’m about a 1/4 of the way through. I’m hoping I’ll finish because while the book is frustrating and a slog to get through, I also very much like the creativity of the way the book is written.
Anyway, whenever I read the book (which hasn’t been as much lately) I have the weirdest dreams. Go figure.
Now I’m at the library, hoping to enjoy my time here before I have to head home to have my therapy session. Or maybe I can have my therapy session here. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be on the public computer that long. I have 70 minutes til my session.
What will I talk about in my session? Er, type about. Last time we talked about how I finally invited some friends over to my place (to come over on October 16th). You see, I have anxiety (no, deathly fear) of having others in my place. I am deeply afraid and ashamed. I am certain they will reject me. And I’ve been working through that. At this point, it’s become this massive deal and my friends were wondering why I never invite them over. And I’ve got 2 weeks, part of that I will be visiting my mom in New England, so I have less time to prepare.
I’m already ashamed of my apartment. But I’m even more ashamed now that my apartment is disgustingly messy. I made a little progress but since my kids and I got sick with Covid I haven’t been able to get the apartment back up to a decent level of cleanliness.
And at minimum I have to have that for my friends to come over.
Maybe I’ll talk about that. Why I’m having trouble cleaning. I feel like I’ve wasted a good portion of my weekend sleeping. The thing is, when I wake up in the morning and don’t have anything I HAVE to do I get incredibly anxious about leaving my bed. Everything that I SHOULD be doing but don’t HAVE to do fills me with dread and I have no idea where to get started or how to prioritize my time.
It’s very bizarre, but also very me.
The past 3 days I’ve had a little bit of trouble with my diet. In that, I’ve eaten ice cream every day. Not a ton (I’ve kept my carbs under 100 and my calories are still low), but I’m worried it will sabotage my weight loss. Which it won’t, unless I keep eating ice cream EVERY DAY. But I’m worried that I’ve slipped and now there is no going back. I also haven’t exercised since Wednesday and am worried about that. Though, to be fair my muscles were sore until yesterday and so while I could have exercised it was probably better to rest.
Though I do hope today I can build up enough courage and motivation to use the Stair Stepper at the gym. Now that I’m losing weight my bubble butt is becoming flat in some areas. I mean, my butt is still huge, but not as round, if that makes sense. So I’d like to put some muscle there so I can keep the shape as I lose weight.
I have to remind myself of my reward. Every time I go to the gym I’ve allowed myself to do a hydro massage afterwards. I pay extra $ for this feature and it really has been great incentive at getting me to the gym.
I also don’t know what’s wrong with me because I’d rather go to the gym than have a walk outside when it’s beautiful outside. It feels like Fall here, not because of the weather (it’s still quite warm) but just has a general “feel.” And while I like the Fall I also have a history of having depressive episodes between October and April (particularly October – December). And my brain remembers this and gets scared. For some reason going outside during this time reminds me of the season and I’ve got to find a way to get over it because the weather really is lovely and I really should find a way to enjoy it.
I think in the past what has gotten me through the depressive episodes has been the hypomania and it’s been this vicious cycle. But I have to remind myself I’ve been stable for quite some time. I do not have anything going on at the moment that would cause me to sink to the deepest low or get me going into a high so I’ll probably be fine. I think I was last year. Let me check my posts from last year during this time and I will see if that’s true. I can always tell by my posts and it’s great that I keep this kind of record.
*** (10 minutes elapsed)***
Okay, I’m back. I skimmed through my October – December blogs. Yes, I dealt with some depression. I wasn’t suicidal, mostly I was having some major issues with working at my hospital job which I hated. There were periods of loneliness. I need to take care not to isolate and I think I’ll be okay. Or if I do isolate then reach back out again.
In 6 days I visit my mom. Visiting my mom is usually stressful but also good. It’s a mix. If nothing else, it’ll get me out of my house into a different routine.
I told my kids I’d do the dishes today. They’ve helped me with some other stuff I said I’d do the dishes and clean up the kitchen and I’m dragging my feet on it. What a great example I’m having.
My ex doesn’t think he’ll be able to take my daughter to the GED orientation. We haven’t signed her up for it yet so I’m not sure if she’d even be going anyway. Fortunately there is something at the end of the month so this means if she misses next week it’s only a few weeks til next time. I want to ask my mom if my daughter can live with her.
I think she’ll be upset for my assuming it’s a possibility. I think her husband (my step-dad) won’t want a teen in the house. I think she’ll say she’s got vacation plans (they like to travel). I think she’ll say no, but I think I also have to ask. Because my daughter does well at their house. And I need something to help my daughter.
Do I feel like a failure as a mom? Yep! My 16-year-old daughter dropped out of high school and she’s not doing anything with her time. Though she has mentioned wanting to take classes for the GED so that’s a good sign.
I’m going to see if I can do my therapy here at the public computer. Let’s see if it’ll let me sign in. If not I should leave now so I can make it back to my place on time.
Well, whaddya know: my therapist just messaged me and said that she couldn’t do our session until 6. That means I have more time to enjoy at the library. More time to write this blog. Wahoo!
So, where was I?
My daughter dropping out of school. I have to remind myself it’ll most likely be okay, but it’s been almost 2 months now and nothing has come from it, other than my daughter seems to have more peace of mind. And then there is an issue of her dad not being able to take her to these orientations due to…well, I don’t fully understand, but I can’t because I can’t get time off from work and hopefully his mom can take her. If it wasn’t during the holiday season I’d be able to no problem. Unfortunately we are short-staffed.
Which sounds like a lame excuse, other than I really need to keep this job so I can have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. It’s a necessity.
Yes, I feel it in the air…the feeling of Fall. I don’t know what has changed, maybe the air pressure? Maybe the humidity? But it feels different. Let’s see how I’ll get through this one. I’m hoping successfully, whatever that means.
Let me do this. Let me set some goals from now until Jan 1.
- Either enroll my daughter in GED or have her move in with my mom (or both)
- Have my friends over at least one time for a couple minutes. Right now I’m scheduled for 3 friends for a couple hours on the 16th, but just one friend for a couple minutes would be a win.
- Lose at least another 10 lbs – this is a realistic goal if I stay on track
- Have at least 20 workouts (at least 10 at the gym) – this might be undershooting it but you never know how much I’m going to be able to will myself
There is a man at the library right across from me talking to himself (I think he’s reading off the computer) and he’s got a really deep voice and he’s whispering and it’s distracting me a bit. I think I might be entering cranky phase. That happens to me in the Fall as well. Cranky McCrankster.
But also I remember last Fall when I went out with my new friends to the Haunted Pub Crawl and how amazing that was. How much fun I had. And how much fun I had at the New Year’s Eve party.
This post is all over the place, but it’s what’s on my mind. Hopefully you were able to follow.
If you’ve made it through I’d like to know what your experiences you’ve had of the Fall. Is it your favorite season? Are your emotions heightened? Do you feel depressed? What are your goals this Fall?