Ever since I had my friends over (which was a HUGE accomplishment) I’ve felt unsettled. I mean, at first, I felt hopeful and earlier in the week I was excited to receive my Halloween Costume (Rainbow Brite!), and felt I had things to look forward to.
But this uneasiness has crept in. I have no MAJOR stressors (which is amazing!) but my brain will not let me relax. I am used to major stressors, it’s my given. And now I’m finding there are little things in my life I’ve neglected. And it freaks me the fuck out.
I want everything to be perfect. I feel like I’m even harsher on myself than usual. I see these smaller things and I wonder why I couldn’t accomplish them. And I’m so anxious about failure. I checked my fasting blood sugar this morning and it was high because I’ve been eating like crap for the past couple of days and I think, with horror, “Oh god, what if this is the end – what if I stop losing weight and go back to my unhealthy life???”
The horror is unjustified. It’s an extreme response, and obviously, I am fortunate to have my health completely under my control at the moment. So, if I mess up and eat unhealthy for a few days, or a few meals, or don’t exercise as much as I need it doesn’t mean I can’t get started on the right track again. It doesn’t mean I get an “F” score on my life. But that’s what my brain is telling me.
And I’ve realized the way I’ve related to my friends was a lot about my independence (through my separation/ divorce). Everyone was cheering me on. And then there was the side issue of hating my job(s) or looking for work. I’m not THRILLED with my current job, but it’s not anything worthy to talk about.
I don’t feel like I have much worth talking about. There are things on my mind, sure, but nothing I feel like discussing with anyone other than my therapist. I am used to chatting with people I care about, about obstacles I’m overcoming, and them cheering me on. And this is a fantastic thing – that I have people cheering me on – but I find that now that I’ve overcome a lot of things what is there?
Am I…BORING now? What interest would people have in me now that I’m no longer inspiring them with my “bravery?”
I am, as I’m typing this, realizing how self-centered this conversation I’m having with myself. I think where this is coming from is that I usually feel so connected with others because I’m empathizing with others’ experiences and sharing mine in return. But now that I find I have nothing of interest (or at least I don’t see what would be interesting to anyone else) I am questioning my worthiness as a friend. As a person.
Which leads me to believe that maybe I’m a little depressed. I felt really good earlier this week and was pondering how I’m doing well so far this season (I tend to get really depressed in the Fall), but the last couple of days I’ve had these thoughts of hopelessness and feeling disconnected from others.
I need some self-care, I think. Blogging is part of that. I need to get some more sleep. And read. And take a walk. I do all those things already. EXCEPT, I’ve been approaching these things as “should”s and not as things that make me feel well and happy. Just more things to beat myself up over if I don’t accomplish them.
Time to love myself, and beyond that, to look past myself and focus on others. I think after most of my life being other-focused I had to take these last couple years to be me-focused. And that was needed, but I really need to stop thinking everything is about me.
For example, at my book club last night a woman sitting next to me I thought gave me a look like she was irritated with me. And I couldn’t help feeling like she didn’t like me and wondered what I did wrong. But then I learned she was laid off and is having trouble finding another job and realized she may be in a bad mood and it may have nothing to do with me. Of course, it might have, but either assuming it’s all about me, nor dwelling on the fact she may not like me does me any good.
I think what I need right now is someone to show me that they love me to help get these depressive thoughts under bay. But I don’t know what showing me even means. Would I see it? Would I accept it? What does that look like?
What will it take to get these thoughts to go away? How do I just RELAX and appreciate the lack of major stressors?
P.S. I LOVED all your supportive comments these last few posts. I have read and treasured them. I wanted to post that here because I find I’m having trouble finding the words to respond. But thank you ❤