War and Peace

This post has nothing to do with War and Peace. Other than I checked out the novel from the library and I’m at the library right now. I don’t know why I didn’t just buy the book – this was on hold for a long time and I only have 21 days to read it. There is no way I’m going to be able to read the novel in this time. I just finished 450 pages of The Four Winds in 3 day, so I guess it’s possible for me to finish War and Peace in 21 days, but I’m expecting it to be incredibly dense.

Anyway, I’m at the library to drop off my library books and to pick up War and Peace, but the primary reason I stopped by here today was to vote in the 2022 Midterms. My state has one-stop early voting, which began in the 20th, however it’s not open this weekend and I did not know that. I had intended on that being my primary objective to accomplish today.

My day was supposed to go as follows:

1. Wake up by 8:30
2. Go for a walk
3. Return library books and pick up War and Peace
4. Vote
5. Eat lunch (I do intermittent fasting so this will be my first meal of the day)
6. Take my daughter to the store to buy new pants (all this accomplished by noon)

The day has gone as follows:

1. Wake up at just before noon
2. Eat brunch (more like lunch at this point) and watch the first episode of season four of The Sinner
3. Return library books and pick up War and Peace
4. Blog

I’m disappointed that I didn’t go for a walk and woke up so late (why so late, I wonder? I’ve been sleeping a ton recently) and that I was unable to vote today. However, I guess it’s a win that I got out of the house and did accomplish #3.

I think I might be sleeping a lot because there is some depression there. With that in mind, I should probably allow myself some slack. I slept enough; I got out of bed; I ate; I watched a show I liked; I interacted with my kids; I went to the library. So far the day is going well, however I’m like,

“Oh my god – it’s 2pm – I’ve wasted the day! I haven’t exercised – I’m so lazy! I probably won’t get my lazy butt to the gym today either! My blood sugar has been high and look at me I’m not eating perfectly like I should – I’m going to get diabetes and I’m going to stop losing weight! I’m going to fail at reading War and Peace – I’m going to give up 1/4 of the way through if I even make it that far! I’m a bad mom! I’m a bad friend! I’m a bad worker! I’m just bad! Horrible person!”

Okay, yeah, so there is definitely depression and anxiety there. I was tired enough to not remember to take my meds the past couple days so I’m sure that hasn’t helped.

Self-care is #1 to help this from getting worse.

So what does that look like for me today?

1. Take my time at the library to blog as much as I want. This is helping.
2. Go for a walk. Exercise is essential. And going for a walk is more realistic right now for me than going to the gym.
3. Watch some more of The Sinner. It’s a great show.
4. If I don’t get to the store to buy my daughter pants don’t beat myself up – we’ll go tomorrow. That will be the only goal for tomorrow.
5. Eat healthy and drink lots of water. But maybe allow myself something I like that isn’t too carb-y.
6. Take my meds at bedtime.
7. Read.
8. Write in my journal – things I’m proud of myself for. Things that I look forward to. Things I appreciate about my life and others.

It’s okaaay that it’s already 2pm. My brain is going into panic mode over this, but there is not much I can do about it now other than to make the most of my day.

You know what, I was just looking down at War and Peace next to me and realizing how proud I am of myself that I always return my books on time now. Years ago I couldn’t keep track of that sort of thing and I’d wrack up these large library fines. But now, I’m able to keep track and I think the fact that I enjoy the library makes me want to visit it more often.

What else is good?

I signed my daughter up for GED orientation. This is great, step in the right direction. She’s on board. She’ll not be sitting around all day chatting with her friends online. She’ll be doing something.

What else?

I like my daughter’s new therapist. She was able to get a referral for my daughter to be evaluated for Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism. I haven’t heard back from the place yet, but I’m sure I will next week. There is hope there and maybe my daughter can start getting some occupational therapy or other treatment that might help.

Anything else?

Yes, something else that’s coming up that makes me both happy and a bit nervous and I’ve been thinking about a lot but am not comfortable sharing on my blog. At least not yet.

I feel happier just thinking about it.

I wonder if things are just going too well and I’m worried the rug will come out under me. I think it’s ruining my belief that good things are not just cover for some crisis under the surface.

Of course, life is going to throw a curve ball, it always does. But I wonder if it’s just merely survival that my brain cannot appreciate and enjoy the peace while I have it.

Also, I like when things are complicated. Right now, my mind is complicating the hell out of things. And it enjoys that. How sick is that?

It’s tempting to obsess over things and the healthy part of my brain is saying, “No, that’s not needed” and then just stops. But then my brain is like, “Well, what are we supposed to focus on then?” and then it looks at my life and says, “How boring. You’re boring.”

My own brain is calling me boring. Just because my life is healthier. How dare it!

I’m taking a Youth Mental Health First Aid course at work and one of the things I’ve learned through the course is the different areas of wellness. And one of those areas is intellectual wellness. I think I do so well when I’m reading challenging books because my brain can focus on something complicated rather than my making my own life complicated.

And, now that I think about it, the more complicated I make my life the dumber I get. That is, when I obsess about things that don’t need obsessing about, I stop being able to use my intellectual capacity for other things.

What I need to do right now is rather than think about all the things I should be doing, just think about the things that will make me feel well. Not things that will make me feel temporarily good, but things that make me feel well. And then pursue those things.

I hope you are having a great weekend so far.