Hi All

I’ve been on a trip visiting a great friend and, sadly, I have neglected my blog. You may say, But, Quix, you’ve been blogging every day! Well, these were scheduled posts and I haven’t been reading or commenting on blogs. Not that I need to apologize to you, per se, but it is something that I am disappointed about.

I’ll get into my hometown late this evening and then it’s back to regular life. And I was a bit stressed about it too. No major stresses, just little things that added up. And this trip away makes me wonder what I can change about my everyday life.

I’d like to avoid avoiding. I’d like to be mindful. I’d like to do the hard work that I’ve neglected on my diet and exercise. I’d like to keep my apartment clean. I’d like to let people in.

I’d like to find closer connection to others. I’d like to support my children more. I’d like to be more present. Mostly, I’d like to find more joy and fulfillment.

I’m sitting here at a Barnes and Noble bookstore waiting for my flight. Eating cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. Alternating sips of ice water and hot peppermint mocha coffee (which is way too sweet). Wishing I didn’t feel lonely. Wondering why I feel lonely a lot and what to do about it.

I feel patient, like I could spend time here forever. And it’ll feel like forever too: I do have 7 hours till my flight (my friend is unavailable today to hang out) and I won’t get home till really late. So I’ve been sitting at the cafe for 45 minutes and when I’m done I’ll spend a couple hours looking around Barnes and Noble. Then maybe I’ll catch a movie.

Let me go back to this lonely feeling…I feel the need to constantly check in with someone. I used to have that with my ex-husband. Many times that’d annoy me because it was about stressful stuff, but I did enjoy the little things: sharing memes, and jokes, and just random thoughts. And there is still some communication there, but obviously it’s not that frequent anymore.

I think there is something about knowing someone is thinking about you many times during the day. And something about them reaching out multiple times a day. I have what feels like a compulsive need for communication. Maybe that makes me an extrovert (I’ve always thought the opposite).

Maybe it’s just a coping mechanism for anxiety. Maybe it soothes me to have that distraction. I think doing mindfulness practices will likely help with this hole in my life.

It feels like my mind wants to latch on to something. I scroll social media because I want connection with the outside world. I want to know that other people are out there and we can relate. We can connect.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

Right now, Somewhere Over the Rainbow is playing on the speaker and it’s making me feel warmth and hope and longing.

I’ll go back to keeping up with blogging in a couple days. Until then, I hope you are well. Tell me what you’ve been up to and how you are.

2 thoughts on “Hi All

  1. Hi there, Quixie. First of all, that lonely feeling is so familiar. It’s been there my whole life and I haven’t figured out why or how to make it go away. The compulsiveness, yes. Reaching out, checking in, scrolling, and to what end? This. Connection with another human. I took a road trip this past week, drove to visit friends I moved away from two years ago. Although I wasn’t feeling 100% energetic (I hardly ever am) it was so good to be with familiar people and share conversation, food, wine, and the joyfulness of being together. Back home, I’m in familiar routines again. Have been attending a yoga class twice a week. That has been something my body really needed, apparently, because I’m really getting into it and it feels good to be learning from a teacher who knows what she’s doing. I definitely fell off the NaNoWriMo horse, but it’s okay. I don’t see it as a failure. Just…🤷🏻‍♀️ it didn’t work out. I hope you are feeling good today.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, I feel like I was reading my own writing when I read this. I feel exactly the same way as you expressed here, a lot of the time, at least. I got a dog 2 years ago and that has really helped with the sense of loneliness and isolation. Knowing there are others out there who like to write and want to communicate is also helpful. I will be sure to read your blog and be your blogging buddy!

    Liked by 1 person

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.