Low-grade depression

This last (extended) weekend I visited a good friend out of state, and when I got back I found that…wow, I’m unhappy with my life. I mean, there isn’t a ton to complain about: I’ve got kids who are healthy, a cat that keeps me company, an apartment that is homey and safe, enough money to pay my bills, and am fairly healthy. So I wondered why do I feel unhappy?

A big part of that is connection. Despite being moderately social, I have trouble feeling connected with the people I have met. And I don’t know if that’s because of self-preservation based on past trauma or faulty brain chemistry. But I know that the “bonding” I have periodically felt, that joy from spending time with others I have met, that is rare but has happened, is no longer there.

At my book club group the other day I felt like an outsider looking in. In my skating group, I felt like I was just there and not fully a participant. I listened as one of my acquaintances talked about how her mother’s health going downhill, and I felt nothing.

Last night I did have a sliver of connection – with my son – when we went to pick up pizza. He’s such an interesting person to talk to. He hardly spends time with me, so that did bring me a moment, a moment of connection. But then, just like that, it was gone.

I don’t know what my problem is. But I know I’m unhappy.

Today I got my hair cut. It’s the first professional cut I’ve gotten since I hacked all the dye off my hair so I could grow out my grey several months ago. It looks nice. And I wear my hair purple now (temporary dye) so I bought some dye from the hair salon that my stylist recommended. Normally after a session with my stylist, I feel energized and happy.

I just feel like I have a happiness deficiency at the moment.

I’m supposed to clean out my fridge so I can have room for the keto-friendly foods I’m supposed to buy to share the keto experience with one of my friends. Because the truth of the matter is I’ve been eating like shit.

I feel deep shame about that. And also the state of my apartment. It’s gotten extremely messy again. I wonder if I should cancel going to the gym with her tomorrow because she might come over and see the mess.

I felt some connection with my friend during my trip, and maybe that’s why everything seems so dull now. Maybe it just revealed how I’m unhappy in my everyday life.

So, what will it take? What will it take to bring back joy into my life? Will eating better and cleaning my place up help? Can I even get the motivation to do that?

All I want to do right now is take a nap.

I’ve written about this before, but since my divorce, I’ve felt like I don’t have any goals to work towards. I mean, I had a weight loss goal but since I no longer feel like my body is disgusting I’ve lost most of my motivation. I still need to lose weight, I’m still technically obese, but I don’t look awful. But obviously, I need to make healthier decisions to be healthy.

I just feel like there is this expanse of time before me…life keeps marching on and I don’t see anything to look forward to.

I’ve got to change that. I’ve got to get back to the old me.

2 thoughts on “Low-grade depression

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.