Sorry, folks. I’ve given up on the Nano Poblano. I feel like my low-grade depression is getting in the way. I don’t know why I’m calling it “low-grade” depression. Depression is depression. Just because it’s not severe doesn’t mean it’s not serious. It’s affecting my quality of life.
I got out of the house – had the “campfire latte” from Port City Java (a regional coffee chain) and a blueberry bagel with cream cheese. The latte is full of chocolate, marshmallow and graham cracker goodness. It’s incredibly sweet. I ordered a large. Carb-city baby. I’ve been eating like shit for a while now. I’m completely off my diet.
I was doing okay when I had ordered premade keto meals. Yes, I felt guilty that I was lazy and that they were so expensive, but it was allowing me to stick with my diet. That is, until I got sick of the meals. What I really need to do is meal-prep for the week.
I can’t will myself to go meal-plan or cook. I can’t will myself to clean up my apartment. I’ve got soda cans next to the side of my bed; my sheets are in desperate need of washing, my laundry is piled up on the floor. I’ve got non-perishable food in grocery bags on my living room floor. My dishes are not done. My trash needs to be taken out.
I don’t feel…heavy…like I sometimes do with depression. Nor am I having a crisis of low-self esteem. I just feel like, “meh” like there is nothing to look forward to. Like there is no reason to try.
This weekend I was supposed to catch up on things, but I spent most of the weekend watching meaningless Facebook videos. Nothing of substance. Just…crap. Well, I suppose not crap. Because it did entertain me, it did distract me. It served a purpose.
In 2 hours I have a meeting with my new therapist (I chat with her through BetterHelp.com). On Friday I had a meeting with my old therapist. Usually I’ll schedule a meeting 2 weeks out for her, but I didn’t schedule anything. I think we have ended our time. After 7 years, our therapy is no longer useful to me. I suppose it is helpful to have someone who knows me around, but the actual therapy isn’t doing diddly squat. I don’t need behavioral modification; I just need hope. I need purpose. I need direction. I need connection.
My new therapist says I should volunteer. But I’m not sure exactly what…
Okay, I just looked it up and the hospital where I last worked has a volunteer doula program. What’s funny is I told people I don’t like touching patients! And I don’t like hospital!. And I don’t 100% like the idea of going back into the hospital of the job I hated as a physical/occupational/speech therapy aide! But the idea of getting back into doula-ing again. As a volunteer. With set limited hours makes me want to squee with joy. Being a doula was my favorite job in the entire world a decade ago. But you are on-call. And it doesn’t pay diddly squat unless you are helping the extremely wealthy. And you are up throughout the night. But this would be about 12 hours volunteering a month. And my shift would end at 2am. That works with my current work schedule.
Looks like volunteer training starts in February. Oh gosh, I’m excited about this. Something to look forward to. If that doesn’t work out, I’m sure I can find something else to volunteer for.