I deconverted 14 months ago but I haven’t blogged much publicly about my experience. The internal process which led to my deconversion also led to dramatic changes in my personality, relationship and the way I make decisions, and it’s left me a bit emotionally raw even though it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Have you all seen the movie Frozen? My husband tells me that out of the Disney princesses I am somehow two very different personalities: Elsa and Anna. Elsa, the older, fearful, responsible one. Anna, the carefree, youthful, optimistic one. Starting at age 16 religion turned me into an Elsa and since my deconversion Anna has been making herself known through my Quixie personna. Would you believe I never used to have fun and barely ever laughed before 14 months ago?
Here has been my experience deconverting:
Here is how now I’m able to start experiencing joy and enjoying life:
I plan on writing more about my deconversion experience over the next coming months.
I know some people connect with this moment as being like their deconversion:
“Not a flying toy”
But for me it was more like this:
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”
(Not sure if the pictures will load. Let’s find out.)
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They loaded! Yay.
YES, The Wizard of Oz’s “man behind the curtain” metaphor is a really great one. I remember watching the movie when I was younger and, while I loved it, I was really disturbed at what I thought was their implication that there is no god. It disturbed me so much so that I hadn’t let my children watch the show until recently. Lol.
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L Frank Baum’s mother was a noted secular activist in her day. No surprise that his first Oz book should have that kind of a theme.
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How cool! And another book series I now must read.
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The more I think about these images the I resonate with the 2nd one (The Wizard of Oz) even more. It’s troubled to me to realize that there is no all-powerful “wizard.”
Could you explain the Toy Story pic? I remember that Buzz realized he is just a toy among other toys just like him and that he’s actually not a super hero. What exactly would these mean in deconversion terms?
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Buzz had a clear picture of his universe. There was the authority of Star Command he could rely on, he was a Space Ranger specially selected to go fight evil. Even though the people around him thought this was crazy, he knew in his heart that it was right, that he was special, and he would be faithful to what he knew was true. Right up until he saw that commercial, and then his whole world fell apart. Afterward he had to build himself a new life without being a Space Ranger from Star Command, just relying on himself and his friends.
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This is brilliant. Except I can’t 100% relate to it because the people around me didn’t think I was crazy and they all shared similar beliefs (the ones who I knew would I hid my “crazy” thoughts from them – ha). Yes, the Oz metaphor fits better. 🙂
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That’s awesome and I cant wait to read about your experience when you’re ready.
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Thanks! I look forward to writing it. Time for me to be brave!
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My “deconversion” experience was like a moment from the TV show Different Strokes when Arnold says, “Whatch you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!” Only I said, “Whatch you talkin’ ’bout, Catholic indoctrination?!”
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OMP. That’s great.😁
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At the risk of being a real sourpuss:
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Nope, not a sourpuss. Actually the clip describes my thinking of what it’s like to suffer severe clinical depression. In the midst of it one feels separated from anything and everything with no ability to hope or feel any pleasure or peace or satisfaction. To me, it has always felt like what I imagined Hell would be like. I don’t think most people have gone through this depth of depression to where all you can think about is how you’d be better off dead and are searching for ways to end your life. It truly is agonizing. I’m better now with counseling and meds but I can’t tell you how many times I begged for God to kill me. When God gave no direction, healing, nor help of any kind I thought that perhaps he wanted me to suffer for some unknown reason. The thing is I knew if I didn’t get help I might end up dead. As I got better my doubts about God existing grew. I begged God to show up and help me believe. I got nothing and my faith completely went away.
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The reason I posted the clip is because the state you describe above is closer to how I feel now in my deconverted position. Many folk testify about how their life is so much better after leaving faith, but in my case it has deteriorated. Much of the problems are of my own making.
I mentioned a few posts back about how Rod Stewart’s song ‘Reason to Believe’ spoke something of my relationship to Jesus. Another Rod Stewart song ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ also reflects how I feel:
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Hey Peter. I’m sorry for my delayed response. I’m not able to see videos from my reader (I use the library often to do that but haven’t been able to get their recently) plus some of the comments on my blog are not showing up! Argh.
Regarding your life deteriorating…I’m so very sorry. 😦 Why do you think that is? I can imagine it has to do with being so entrenched in your former beliefs and lifestyle for so long. I didn’t mean to paint it like it’s a piece of cake. I feel uneasy a lot not praying. Also, the few relationships I have had mainly Christ in common so now we don’t have that same bond. Anyway, I’d like to hear more about how you feel like things have deteriorated, if you feel like sharing. Thanks for your honesty.
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Quixie, my problems are of my own making. I have been reflecting that aspects of my personality that impact on my relating to other people have become exaggerated since I left faith.
Interpersonal relationships was always a weakness for me and its just become more extreme. When I come home I with dred check my phone answering machine and it is a great relief if there are no messages.
I don’t know if you have ever just wanted to curl up by yourself and hide from the world?
As I said above this has always been an underlying aspect of my personality but since leaving faith I have become somewhat depressed and that has just lead to a downward spiral.
I am a lot more open in how I communicate over the internet than I am in real life.
Yet in the past I could talk at length on technical matters, just not about myself.
A lot of my problem is that a couple of years before I deconverted I quit my job to ‘work full time for the Lord’. So that destroyed another social outlet.
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Oh Peter😔
I can very much relate to this, although for me my unhealthy personality traits were exaggerated when I left the church (it was many years later before I stopped believing).
Am I relieved when I get no phone messages? Do I want to curl up and hide from the world? Absolutely, every day! Leaving church made this worse for me and I developed agoraphobia (even to the point of not being able to shop for food). So for many years (since I left church) I’ve been very isolated. The last couple of years I’ve been slowly integrating myself into society but I’m finding I still don’t feel comfortable most of the time and would prefer to be online.
I have no answers, I’m just grateful to have the online community as I can tell you are too.😊
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Peter, I can really relate to your experience and thanks for sharing the songs. “Reason to Believe” speaks to me as I have exhausted every human attempt I could to reach out to God without response and I still find myself tempted to go there again. I’m doing better now, finding coping techniques to deal with life I didn’t have when I relied solely on my relationship with Jesus. There are things I still miss about it, though, like the feeling of security that Almighty God had His hand on my life and was directing it.
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Hi Shawna! Welcome😊 I read a bit of your story from your blog and could relate to a lot of it. I look forward to hearing more. So glad to meet another deconvert! 🌈
I think it’s pretty common to want to continue reaching out for God when you’ve done so for so many years. What has helped me is to seek out wisdom instead. Not Wisdom with a capital W but just to look for what’s good in the world. And also realize that there is a kind spirituality outside of the supernatural. What I mean by that is, to know that we are all part of a big amazing world. I dunno, that helps me.
I realize that nothing exactly replaces the feeling of an almighty god directing your life and keeping you safe, but for me the reason is somehow comforting. Knowing that I’m not likely to live in delusion because I’m trying my best to live with my eyes wide open. Knowing that I am truly free to live my life any way I deem best is amazing to me.
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When I was young the Carpenters were distinctly un-cool, but I always loved Karen’s voice. This is an early one, you can tell as Karen is playing the drums, 1971 I think. Reflects a more sombre outlook of my post deconversion life:
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The Truman Show… definitely The Truman Show for me
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Yes! I remember this movie planting seeds of doubt in my mind.
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