Oh yeah I was the shit.
Well… truth was I was actually scared as shit.
I started the New Recruit roller derby training program 9 weeks ago. Since then I’ve met the minimum attendance requirements of 14 practices and there is one more officical practice to go before assessments.EEK!
I say minimum because there were quite a few other practices (not required) that I didn’t attend. The reason? My damn ankles.
I really oughtn’t be cursing them as they work to help me to walk! But skating for longer than 5 or 10 minutes in derby stance? Yowch! They burn and then my legs turn to jello and I start tripping all over myself. Yeah, can’t have that with a two hour practice!
Every practice I’ve whined about my ankles. Went to physical therapy to strengthen them and that made the problem even worse it seems. Took time off for a week, didn’t help. The problem? Still don’t know but I know my skates were too big. I just got new skates that are more my size and I was able to skate significantly longer tonight. That solves it then right? Wrong.
My biggest issue is psychological. My can- do attitude is gone. Why? Since mid-assessments 3 weeks ago I realized that I haven’t the muscle endurance, discipline, confidence, nor bad-asssery to practice with the “big girls” (the team). This is not just me being self-depricating, I really don’t have what it takes at this time.
I’m 30lbs overweight (no thanks to bipolar meds and I haven’t lost any weight yet. UGH!), I’d been agorophobic and a social recluse for most of 7 years (so much social commitment is involved – I just want to hide), sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed much less do something I’m not good at where I could injure myself.
I just look at the girls on the team and think about how much younger they all are (most of them are a decade younger), how much fitter (I see only a sexy amount of fat), and how I’ll never belong to the team.
Never belong. That’s my thing. Always an outsider. And always hating with every fiber of my being when eyes are on me. I don’t want to have to fall and fail a million times in front of others in my fat old body. I don’t want to have to face that and the 2 nights a week practices, plus the bouts, plus all the social events. I just want to stay in my bed where it is nice and quiet and nothing bad can happen. Is that really want I want for my life, though? No.
Needless to say I don’t want to do final assessments next week. I don’t want everyone to see me fail. Because I will. I’ve got that in my head and I can’t get it out.
A player on the team told me she failed assessments three times. She said I need to find my reason for why to keep going. I don’t know what my reason is.
Someone please tell me not to quit. I told myself my goal is to finish the program and I don’t want to let myself down.
Any suggestions with how to get over the fear of failure? In front of people? And on skates none-the-less?