Harden my Heart

I’m exploring the months leading up to my deconversion.

But I will harden Pharoh’s heart that I may multiply My signs and My wonders in the land of Egypt – Exodus 7:3

The chapters proceeding this verse are about the 10 Plagues of Egypt.

October 11, 2014 is the date I read these chapters and it would be the last time I would study the Bible. I know this because I wrote this date in my Bible. I was following a Bible reading track through Bible Study Fellowship International, a Bible study group that my Christian clinical counselor recommended to get me out of the house. Her mom led the local group. Conflict of interest and unprofessional? Yep!

I really studied the chapters and tried to stop the thoughts I had about God being a monster. If God could harden people’s hearts couldn’t He just soften everyone’s heart and avoid all this death, torture, and destruction?

This was not consistent with the God I knew and trusted.

I learned from studying the Bible that God was love:

IMG_20200214_095342

From my New Inductive Study Bible

IMG_20200214_095947

I studied the Old Testament too!

I had studied the Old Testament as well, but somehow it never hit me that God may be unloving until I studied Exodus 7 that day.

What happened? Maybe God hardened my heart. I say this with snark now, but at the time I prayed throughout the day, every day, for my heart to be softened so I could keep my faith.

I considered that perhaps the Bible was not the inspired Word of God, but simply man’s flawed understanding of what God must be like. But yet, the seed of doubt had been planted and it would eat away at me for 7 months, until my faith just…disappeared.

Oh! This reminds me of this banger from 1981:

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 5 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write primarily about my mental health journey (I have bipolar disorder), and I also discuss my deconversion, mindfulness, exercise, music, reading, and other cultural topics.